Today was the first day, in two weeks, that I haven't been in torment all day from my longing to have Caleb home for Christmas. It was a wonderful, normal, regular, everyday day... Without an undercurrent of emotional pain and longing. It was a huge relief, and I was grateful for the break.
I think it has been an enemy attack, actually. The temptation to bring Caleb home was the greatest I have known it to be yesterday. In fact, I couldn't fight it alone. I had to call a friend.
I was grateful for wise friendships yesterday. During our conversation, I knew I had to let Caleb stay, but my wise friend helped me figure out why I wanted him home so badly now, when it was never like this the last 3 times I took him to rehab.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Monday, December 1, 2014
Selfish Wishes...
We visited Caleb on Thanksgiving day. It was the first time the children had seen him in almost seven weeks...
It was more than difficult to leave.
William clung to his neck, "I want you to come home with us, Daddy! When will you come home with us?"
It had taken Ellie almost a whole hour to warm up to Caleb, she didn't really know him, and the goodbye was terrible for her. She finally had her Daddy, and she just wanted him to hold her. Three hours in a cold, sterile room did nothing to help her confusion about the position her Daddy plays in her life...
It was more than difficult to leave.
William clung to his neck, "I want you to come home with us, Daddy! When will you come home with us?"
It had taken Ellie almost a whole hour to warm up to Caleb, she didn't really know him, and the goodbye was terrible for her. She finally had her Daddy, and she just wanted him to hold her. Three hours in a cold, sterile room did nothing to help her confusion about the position her Daddy plays in her life...
Monday, November 24, 2014
The Invisible Call, the Irresistible Draw...
Tonight, the children and I studied Biblical passages that talk about how we serve an invisible God.
To them, it was perfectly normal, they don't question it... The wind howled outside and Cora very matter-of-factly told her brothers, "just like that wind, we don't see it, but look at the trees! And you can hear it, just like God."
After a wonderful evening of devotions (a welcome addition to our evenings since I am not the only one around who can wash dishes and clean up from dinner...), I got the children tucked away in bed and sat down to read about Hudson Taylor.
Honestly, I would have never picked this book, but it picked me. Or rather, our invisible God chose for me to read it. Without further tangents, I will tell you how this book fell into, well, was placed into my hands:
We were flying home from San Diego, from that conference where I had received that distinct call to Biblical Counseling...
Setting: on a plane, ha.
Caleb and I had a very tight connection and when we landed, we were sitting on the runway, without a gate to pull into. Things were getting stressful.
To them, it was perfectly normal, they don't question it... The wind howled outside and Cora very matter-of-factly told her brothers, "just like that wind, we don't see it, but look at the trees! And you can hear it, just like God."
After a wonderful evening of devotions (a welcome addition to our evenings since I am not the only one around who can wash dishes and clean up from dinner...), I got the children tucked away in bed and sat down to read about Hudson Taylor.
Honestly, I would have never picked this book, but it picked me. Or rather, our invisible God chose for me to read it. Without further tangents, I will tell you how this book fell into, well, was placed into my hands:
We were flying home from San Diego, from that conference where I had received that distinct call to Biblical Counseling...
Setting: on a plane, ha.
Caleb and I had a very tight connection and when we landed, we were sitting on the runway, without a gate to pull into. Things were getting stressful.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
The Cattle on a Thousand Hills
Everything that I was hoping to make at a garage sale, but didn't... I have now been gifted by a complete stranger! I don't know where the gifter found my story, but $300 was deposited in my paypal account! The note said simply, "God bless you for the sacrifices you've made to be a full-time mother. I will pray for your situation."
I am humbled, speachless, and more keenly aware than ever of the vast power of the Mighty God we serve. Caleb's truck sold and I wrote a tithe check on Sunday for the tithe on the truck and the amount that came in from the garage sale... I will admit, writing that tithe check was a bit of a battle. "But this is all I have, for the year. This is my guaranteed money, it is here, nothing else is working out! Once this is gone, I have nothing... Surely God wants me to save this tithe for my children for the year... So that we make it 11 more months... To make sure we don't have to go asking people for money, I mean, either God provides it now or later... Why not just hold on to it..." It was a battle in my head. But I wrote the check. It was so hard. It shouldn't have been so hard to give that 10%.
The rest of Sunday I spent agonizing over the numbers. I wrote them out for my mom... She said, "well, looks like something only God can work out."
Monday I plotted and planned... But that was the last blog post, you read it. You don't need to read it again here!
So, after I blogged last night, I checked Facebook. There was a message that I had somehow missed from a stranger. Simply offering support. At first I was a bit rude, I mean, I always default to something being a scam... But it was just someone moved to help from far away. They said, "paypal is easy and essentially anonymous." And the amount of the gift, I stand in awe at the generosity and just...
My list of miracles grows by the day, how can I get so discouraged and distraught?!
If God had delivered Caleb safely to rehab, and not given me a hope-filled calling to counseling, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had given me the hope-filled calling to counseling and not provided nearly $900 for school savings (in one week), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, encouragement, support for my calling, but not brought Caleb to a place of new-Spirit-birth, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had brought Caleb's broken spirit back to life, but not sold the truck the day before the due date came (for many of the bills, sitting on the piano, that I had laid hands on and prayed over because I didn't have the money to pay them all), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, at the last minute, for the pile of bills, but not provided Christmas-present-purchasers for the children, Dayenu, it truly would have been enough.
If He had provided (a Christmas tree) and presents for the children, but not given anything else via a kindhearted stranger, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided a financial gift, but not also provided a gift of heavenly music to calm and soothe my spirit, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
God has met every need. Needs I hadn't even voiced yet, like "where will we stay on Caleb's 8 hour visitation day (when the visit starts at 1pm)..." A thought I was thinking yesterday, and today got a call about someone who lives near to where he is and would like to offer their home if we need it for anything!!
Oh to simply mediate on Dayenu, on those days when the father of lies is feeding me full of worry and fear.... Oh to look at that huge list I made, that doesn't even begin to cover all the miracles that have happened, just in this past month alone!!
A conference about Loss right before rehab...
A community that rose up and bought a bunch of unneeded furniture on the "Facebook sale." Guidance when I am rushing things or possibly missteping. Women of faith to have adult conversations with when my heart is lonely and my spirit is parched. All of its, and so much more. I am so grateful. Beyond humbled. And repent of my lack of faith, my lack of trust, and my worry.
He who started a good work will be faithful to complete it.
Is faithful.
I do not want to forget. Dayenu.
I've never wanted a tattoo... But Dayenu... I want to remember, every day, all He has already done would already be enough... But his mercies are new every morning.
Behold, He is making all things new.
I am humbled, speachless, and more keenly aware than ever of the vast power of the Mighty God we serve. Caleb's truck sold and I wrote a tithe check on Sunday for the tithe on the truck and the amount that came in from the garage sale... I will admit, writing that tithe check was a bit of a battle. "But this is all I have, for the year. This is my guaranteed money, it is here, nothing else is working out! Once this is gone, I have nothing... Surely God wants me to save this tithe for my children for the year... So that we make it 11 more months... To make sure we don't have to go asking people for money, I mean, either God provides it now or later... Why not just hold on to it..." It was a battle in my head. But I wrote the check. It was so hard. It shouldn't have been so hard to give that 10%.
The rest of Sunday I spent agonizing over the numbers. I wrote them out for my mom... She said, "well, looks like something only God can work out."
Monday I plotted and planned... But that was the last blog post, you read it. You don't need to read it again here!
So, after I blogged last night, I checked Facebook. There was a message that I had somehow missed from a stranger. Simply offering support. At first I was a bit rude, I mean, I always default to something being a scam... But it was just someone moved to help from far away. They said, "paypal is easy and essentially anonymous." And the amount of the gift, I stand in awe at the generosity and just...
My list of miracles grows by the day, how can I get so discouraged and distraught?!
If God had delivered Caleb safely to rehab, and not given me a hope-filled calling to counseling, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had given me the hope-filled calling to counseling and not provided nearly $900 for school savings (in one week), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, encouragement, support for my calling, but not brought Caleb to a place of new-Spirit-birth, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had brought Caleb's broken spirit back to life, but not sold the truck the day before the due date came (for many of the bills, sitting on the piano, that I had laid hands on and prayed over because I didn't have the money to pay them all), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, at the last minute, for the pile of bills, but not provided Christmas-present-purchasers for the children, Dayenu, it truly would have been enough.
If He had provided (a Christmas tree) and presents for the children, but not given anything else via a kindhearted stranger, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided a financial gift, but not also provided a gift of heavenly music to calm and soothe my spirit, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
God has met every need. Needs I hadn't even voiced yet, like "where will we stay on Caleb's 8 hour visitation day (when the visit starts at 1pm)..." A thought I was thinking yesterday, and today got a call about someone who lives near to where he is and would like to offer their home if we need it for anything!!
Oh to simply mediate on Dayenu, on those days when the father of lies is feeding me full of worry and fear.... Oh to look at that huge list I made, that doesn't even begin to cover all the miracles that have happened, just in this past month alone!!
A conference about Loss right before rehab...
A community that rose up and bought a bunch of unneeded furniture on the "Facebook sale." Guidance when I am rushing things or possibly missteping. Women of faith to have adult conversations with when my heart is lonely and my spirit is parched. All of its, and so much more. I am so grateful. Beyond humbled. And repent of my lack of faith, my lack of trust, and my worry.
He who started a good work will be faithful to complete it.
Is faithful.
I do not want to forget. Dayenu.
I've never wanted a tattoo... But Dayenu... I want to remember, every day, all He has already done would already be enough... But his mercies are new every morning.
Behold, He is making all things new.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Finding Me...
The stress and pressure of our current financial situation has nearly crushed me a number of times over the past month.
Anyone who has been following is probably pretty tired of hearing about it all.
I know I'm tired of trying to figure it out!!
I have applied for jobs.
No word back.
I have sat up into the wee hours of the morning trying to work out: "What do we do if the house doesn't sell?"
"Where would be the best place to go?"
"How will we get there?"
"What are the other options?"
"What else can I sell? (Or try to sell)?"
"What work could I do from home?"
I worked for days organizing a sale... and it snowed... and very few things sold...
I am not qualified for any job because I have stayed home with these children...
I have tried getting work online editing, but that market is pretty crowded and full of scams.
I have tried so many things.
Nothing is working out.
I am currently working with my mother to get a business off the ground for her, but it is just a hobby business... and it is going to be months before it is ready for the world.
I am digging deep inside myself, but coming up empty empty empty. I know I MUST look to the One who sustains. That is really the only way I am going to make it.
Because of Him, today was actually a great day. I unplugged everything. The children and I went back to our daily chores. We sat on the floor for two hours and did school together, all of us. It was heavenly. The sun shone in through the big window onto our little huddle as we worked through "place value up to one hundred million", learned of the "magic e" and read a variety of books to each other. Then, I went and washed up the kitchen, made a yummy salad for lunch, and watched my little ones gobble up healthy food.
For the first five years of Cora's life, I fought against staying home. I was always looking for work, always feeling inadequate, always discontent in my role as "stay-at-home" mom. I despised myself for being totally unimportant to the world, I wanted more...
Now, as I am desperately searching for an answer to our current financial situation, I realize how content I have become with "just staying home." Today, as I invested my time in my children, the peace that I had lost in the frantic hunt for answers came washing back over me. We fit together. We all have our rhythm. We all have our place. We know how to do this life with me at the helm of the house.
I know the little intricacies of each of my children. I know when they need time alone with me. I know when they need a break from work to go run around and be refreshed before starting again with the mental work. I know when they need a snack or a nap or a cuddle... My children know me and I know them. They had "the best day ever," simply because I was being a mom... and not trying to fix the money stuff...
And I realized, there isn't a thing in this world that I am better at doing! I can get healthy food into my children, they get excited about brussle sprouts! I can teach a 1st and 3rd grader while keeping a 4 and 2 year old occupied... I can watch my 3rd grader excel at 4th grade math and 4th grade English. I can encourage my 1st grade struggling reader, teach him a few tricks, and watch his whole face light up when he gets it and reading becomes fun again! I can give them hope. I can give them peace. I can give them stable... I can point them to the God who loves and provides and sustains...
But I can't pay the stupid bills.
I mean, I can for two months... but then...
I don't know what God is doing. I do know that entering the field of counseling is the only thing that even remotely appeals to me at this point in life. I would rather sit across from someone who is broken and offer them hope than sift through a sea of grammatical errors and be on some crazy deadline. I look into the workforce and everything is so... INSANE... everyone moves so fast! Every job seems to be ordered so that it must follow you home and take up every moment of precious family time... THIS IS NOT THE WAY LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE!! Where have I gone wrong?
I probably will have to move in with family... and even then, I will have to find work and leave this blessed peace of pouring love and stability into needy little hearts...
I just hope and pray that the house will sell. That would change everything. But it hasn't. And I have to deal with the fact that it may not... nothing is for certain and I feel like there is more that will be lost because of the ridiculous addiction...
Have you ever been in the place where you have only two months of savings left? Have you ever been in the place where you look out and the future could go 100 different ways and you have no idea where you are headed? How do you prepare for the next step when every next move hinges on something happening and nothing seems to be happening?
I trust God. I totally trust God. I know He is bringing me to a place where I have to say, "I fully and completely believe You are in control and I have no control over any of this." I know that He has looked at me and said, "Watch me work."
But I am full of weakness.
I am full of worry.
I know I need to turn that worry to prayer, and I do. Lord, forgive me in my weakness, when You have already proven so much.
But it is hard not to look at the facts and mentally beat myself up, "If you hadn't moved into the rental, you wouldn't be looking at a mortgage and a rental payment every month. If you had just stayed put back in February, you wouldn't have two electric bills either. Maybe you would have been able to save more of what Caleb made that way too..."
But I know in my heart that Caleb would not be ready to spend the year in rehab if we had lived together all summer. I know that the reality of separation from his family was what brought him to the place of surrender. I know it was right, I know God was in it.
If He was in it then, how could He not be in it now?
I worked to control so many things while living with Caleb in his addiction. I hid money for our bills because otherwise it would just disappear... I enabled plenty in the name of having "control" over the situation... But really, I was never in control. I see that now.
There have been people who have stepped up and committed to buying Christmas presents for my children. I cried. I had told the children that God was their Father and He was taking care of us. But the very next day, I explained to them that there would be no money for Christmas this year. They were adorably understanding and sweet about it.
Cora bought me a book, back in May, when she got her birthday money. She has kept it hidden in her room, since May! She was so proud to say, "but Mommy, at least YOU will get ONE present." Oh my heart. Her love language is presents. Any time we go to a friend's house, she brings along a present for each of the children. Usually it is something she has created. And then, out of no where, someone I have never met says they heard my story and their church group would like to adopt my children and get them a few presents. Their joy at getting even one gift for Christmas... I am so grateful, humbled, amazed. God provided in advance...
God is in this. And He really cares about every detail.
I know I have pride, I know I have control issues, I know I have anxiety issues... I know He is using this to teach me many hard lessons...
And I say, I NEED A BREAK FROM THE HARD LESSONS, PLEASE!!
And back through the chaos of my swirling, worried mind comes a small twinkling chuckle and a small still voice, "Then take one. You have two months. Stop trying to find the answers. Rest in Me. Love your children. Eat. Sleep. And watch Me work this out for your good."
And I want to, oh I want to rest... but maybe I really just don't know how. I guess I did for about three hours this morning... that's a start...
Anyone who has been following is probably pretty tired of hearing about it all.
I know I'm tired of trying to figure it out!!
I have applied for jobs.
No word back.
I have sat up into the wee hours of the morning trying to work out: "What do we do if the house doesn't sell?"
"Where would be the best place to go?"
"How will we get there?"
"What are the other options?"
"What else can I sell? (Or try to sell)?"
"What work could I do from home?"
I worked for days organizing a sale... and it snowed... and very few things sold...
I am not qualified for any job because I have stayed home with these children...
I have tried getting work online editing, but that market is pretty crowded and full of scams.
I have tried so many things.
Nothing is working out.
I am currently working with my mother to get a business off the ground for her, but it is just a hobby business... and it is going to be months before it is ready for the world.
I am digging deep inside myself, but coming up empty empty empty. I know I MUST look to the One who sustains. That is really the only way I am going to make it.
Because of Him, today was actually a great day. I unplugged everything. The children and I went back to our daily chores. We sat on the floor for two hours and did school together, all of us. It was heavenly. The sun shone in through the big window onto our little huddle as we worked through "place value up to one hundred million", learned of the "magic e" and read a variety of books to each other. Then, I went and washed up the kitchen, made a yummy salad for lunch, and watched my little ones gobble up healthy food.
For the first five years of Cora's life, I fought against staying home. I was always looking for work, always feeling inadequate, always discontent in my role as "stay-at-home" mom. I despised myself for being totally unimportant to the world, I wanted more...
Now, as I am desperately searching for an answer to our current financial situation, I realize how content I have become with "just staying home." Today, as I invested my time in my children, the peace that I had lost in the frantic hunt for answers came washing back over me. We fit together. We all have our rhythm. We all have our place. We know how to do this life with me at the helm of the house.
I know the little intricacies of each of my children. I know when they need time alone with me. I know when they need a break from work to go run around and be refreshed before starting again with the mental work. I know when they need a snack or a nap or a cuddle... My children know me and I know them. They had "the best day ever," simply because I was being a mom... and not trying to fix the money stuff...
And I realized, there isn't a thing in this world that I am better at doing! I can get healthy food into my children, they get excited about brussle sprouts! I can teach a 1st and 3rd grader while keeping a 4 and 2 year old occupied... I can watch my 3rd grader excel at 4th grade math and 4th grade English. I can encourage my 1st grade struggling reader, teach him a few tricks, and watch his whole face light up when he gets it and reading becomes fun again! I can give them hope. I can give them peace. I can give them stable... I can point them to the God who loves and provides and sustains...
But I can't pay the stupid bills.
I mean, I can for two months... but then...
I don't know what God is doing. I do know that entering the field of counseling is the only thing that even remotely appeals to me at this point in life. I would rather sit across from someone who is broken and offer them hope than sift through a sea of grammatical errors and be on some crazy deadline. I look into the workforce and everything is so... INSANE... everyone moves so fast! Every job seems to be ordered so that it must follow you home and take up every moment of precious family time... THIS IS NOT THE WAY LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE!! Where have I gone wrong?
I probably will have to move in with family... and even then, I will have to find work and leave this blessed peace of pouring love and stability into needy little hearts...
I just hope and pray that the house will sell. That would change everything. But it hasn't. And I have to deal with the fact that it may not... nothing is for certain and I feel like there is more that will be lost because of the ridiculous addiction...
Have you ever been in the place where you have only two months of savings left? Have you ever been in the place where you look out and the future could go 100 different ways and you have no idea where you are headed? How do you prepare for the next step when every next move hinges on something happening and nothing seems to be happening?
I trust God. I totally trust God. I know He is bringing me to a place where I have to say, "I fully and completely believe You are in control and I have no control over any of this." I know that He has looked at me and said, "Watch me work."
But I am full of weakness.
I am full of worry.
I know I need to turn that worry to prayer, and I do. Lord, forgive me in my weakness, when You have already proven so much.
But it is hard not to look at the facts and mentally beat myself up, "If you hadn't moved into the rental, you wouldn't be looking at a mortgage and a rental payment every month. If you had just stayed put back in February, you wouldn't have two electric bills either. Maybe you would have been able to save more of what Caleb made that way too..."
But I know in my heart that Caleb would not be ready to spend the year in rehab if we had lived together all summer. I know that the reality of separation from his family was what brought him to the place of surrender. I know it was right, I know God was in it.
If He was in it then, how could He not be in it now?
I worked to control so many things while living with Caleb in his addiction. I hid money for our bills because otherwise it would just disappear... I enabled plenty in the name of having "control" over the situation... But really, I was never in control. I see that now.
There have been people who have stepped up and committed to buying Christmas presents for my children. I cried. I had told the children that God was their Father and He was taking care of us. But the very next day, I explained to them that there would be no money for Christmas this year. They were adorably understanding and sweet about it.
Cora bought me a book, back in May, when she got her birthday money. She has kept it hidden in her room, since May! She was so proud to say, "but Mommy, at least YOU will get ONE present." Oh my heart. Her love language is presents. Any time we go to a friend's house, she brings along a present for each of the children. Usually it is something she has created. And then, out of no where, someone I have never met says they heard my story and their church group would like to adopt my children and get them a few presents. Their joy at getting even one gift for Christmas... I am so grateful, humbled, amazed. God provided in advance...
God is in this. And He really cares about every detail.
I know I have pride, I know I have control issues, I know I have anxiety issues... I know He is using this to teach me many hard lessons...
And I say, I NEED A BREAK FROM THE HARD LESSONS, PLEASE!!
And back through the chaos of my swirling, worried mind comes a small twinkling chuckle and a small still voice, "Then take one. You have two months. Stop trying to find the answers. Rest in Me. Love your children. Eat. Sleep. And watch Me work this out for your good."
And I want to, oh I want to rest... but maybe I really just don't know how. I guess I did for about three hours this morning... that's a start...
Monday, October 27, 2014
Finishing Strong
There is a book that Caleb loves.
He wanted to pack it to take to rehab with him.
I almost didn't put it in the suitcase.
My thinking was, "you've been reading this book for the past five years. If it was helpful, maybe you wouldn't be on your way back to rehab!" I held it in my hand. Then turned it over and over, the well loved pages sliding across my fingers as it flipped. I placed it on the pile, hating it because it is the only book he would pick up and read, but it was useless, in my opinion. If there was any authority in it, he would be free!
I closed the suitcase and forgot about the book.
Then I got a letter.
It said, "As I was reading, the author shared the poem about a boy running a race that he most desperately wanted to win. But the boy fell down, not just once, but three times. On that third time he lay there and tears began to run down his cheeks, and then he could hear his father's voice telling him to get up and finish the race. So he got up the third time and made it to the finish line feeling sad and like he had let his father down. But his father tells his son "you're not a loser, you're a winner to me, and it doesn't matter how many times you fall but how many times you get back up."
Caleb finished the letter with this, "I have fallen so many times, Lindsay. I don't want to fall anymore."
*Tears*
I understand why he likes that book.
And then, this Saturday, I got the most encouraging letter of all. I would quote it, but I let Caleb's mom read it, and she wanted to keep it for a bit. It was that good.
Essentially it said, last Monday he was ready to leave. He didn't care how cold it was or how far he had to walk. He was ready to give up. He had spent the day doing factory work and was just bitter and complaining the whole day.
Then, after dinner, they had an optional time of music.
He went, because he loves music and wanted to hear it any chance he got.
While he was in the gym for it, there was a verse on the wall: James 4:10 "Humble yourselves in the site of the Lord and He will lift you up."
Caleb said he had a breakdown. He cried. He was humbled. He said, in that moment, something changed in him, and nothing has been the same since.
He said the next day he did the same work in the same factory, but he was joyful! He said he was singing hymns and just happy to be alive.
The letter was amazing. It was exciting.
I know a year will be a long time to figure out for us out here, but it is worth any sacrifice to know that Christ is breaking through and healing and setting Caleb free.
Please pray that the strongholds continue to be torn down.
Praise God with me over this exciting new birth of faith inside of Caleb.
And pray with me for this yard sale on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
I am overwhelmed.
But I know what I do is not done in vain.
Thanks be to God for His indescribable gifts!!
He wanted to pack it to take to rehab with him.
I almost didn't put it in the suitcase.
My thinking was, "you've been reading this book for the past five years. If it was helpful, maybe you wouldn't be on your way back to rehab!" I held it in my hand. Then turned it over and over, the well loved pages sliding across my fingers as it flipped. I placed it on the pile, hating it because it is the only book he would pick up and read, but it was useless, in my opinion. If there was any authority in it, he would be free!
I closed the suitcase and forgot about the book.
Then I got a letter.
It said, "As I was reading, the author shared the poem about a boy running a race that he most desperately wanted to win. But the boy fell down, not just once, but three times. On that third time he lay there and tears began to run down his cheeks, and then he could hear his father's voice telling him to get up and finish the race. So he got up the third time and made it to the finish line feeling sad and like he had let his father down. But his father tells his son "you're not a loser, you're a winner to me, and it doesn't matter how many times you fall but how many times you get back up."
Caleb finished the letter with this, "I have fallen so many times, Lindsay. I don't want to fall anymore."
*Tears*
I understand why he likes that book.
And then, this Saturday, I got the most encouraging letter of all. I would quote it, but I let Caleb's mom read it, and she wanted to keep it for a bit. It was that good.
Essentially it said, last Monday he was ready to leave. He didn't care how cold it was or how far he had to walk. He was ready to give up. He had spent the day doing factory work and was just bitter and complaining the whole day.
Then, after dinner, they had an optional time of music.
He went, because he loves music and wanted to hear it any chance he got.
While he was in the gym for it, there was a verse on the wall: James 4:10 "Humble yourselves in the site of the Lord and He will lift you up."
Caleb said he had a breakdown. He cried. He was humbled. He said, in that moment, something changed in him, and nothing has been the same since.
He said the next day he did the same work in the same factory, but he was joyful! He said he was singing hymns and just happy to be alive.
The letter was amazing. It was exciting.
I know a year will be a long time to figure out for us out here, but it is worth any sacrifice to know that Christ is breaking through and healing and setting Caleb free.
Please pray that the strongholds continue to be torn down.
Praise God with me over this exciting new birth of faith inside of Caleb.
And pray with me for this yard sale on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
I am overwhelmed.
But I know what I do is not done in vain.
Thanks be to God for His indescribable gifts!!
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
A New Normal
There is a box at the top of my screen indicating that I can choose a "normal" font.
Normal.
Say normal out loud twenty times... That is about as coherent as my normal is...
Caleb was delivered safely to Teen Challenge. In fact, the next day, I dropped off one of his friends to his own rehab, The Refuge, as well. I am now a skilled rehab transit service...
In other news,
The day before Caleb went in, we signed with a realtor to sell our house.
A realtor who knows Caleb's story and has a pain of his own. We talked for a while.
Our house will be listed soon, the realtor is taking pictures tomorrow evening.
I spent today working over there, cleaning, shining, vacuuming a few stray spider webs... And praying praying praying. It will take exactly the right person to want that house.
I know God is big enough to bring them along, if that is His will.
I will be cleaning over there again tomorrow, there is still plenty to be done before the pictures in the evening... Pray I will have strength and stamina and the children will be happy coloring and playing quietly. I already know that E will want me to hold her all day. But I just can't and so she holds my legs and we limp along cleaning and scrubbing and prepping the house in case someone wants to look at it.
There is great sadness that Daddy is gone again for an amount of time no child can wrap their mind around.
There is great relief that Daddy is somewhere safe and now at least there won't be any further messes made.
There is great anticipation for the house to sell, and soon. It has a nice wood burner... It would be a great winter house....
There is also comfort, knowing God is here and His presence is made known in many little ways throughout the day. My mother in law gave me a big hug today. For years there was pain between us, but today, she mentioned how far we had come since the beginning of our relationship. It is nothing short of miraculous. God does bring about restoration.
I was able to say with confidence today, that I am honestly not bitter about the way life has unfolded. I still grieve, but I am grateful for the closeness I have felt to God, Abba, our Provider.
I have learned a Love I never would have needed to know otherwise.
I am grateful for the path because it has carried me to an understanding of Christ, and an understanding of how i fit into His narrative.
There is also excitement!! I have received a total of $884.16 toward Tuition for seminary!! I also have a babysitter for Thursday evening all lined up and excited, AND even a back up babysitter if that one falls through. I have so many dreams for how I can use a Biblical counseling degree to speak hope into the lives of people who are stuck where I was stuck, thinking that addiction is a hopeless life-sucking death sentence for the addict and the ones who love the addict...
I already own the Celebrate Recovery books and starter kit. I would love to see a Celebrate Recovery come to this area. I have tried twice before to get one started, but obviously I needed to be farther along in my journey. This degree will help so much with creating a healthy, balanced ministry!!!
I'm SO EXCITED. Honestly, I have no idea how or where everything will fall together for me to return to school. But I never expected to raise that much in one week, I have been so humbled and overwhelmed by the generosity already displayed. If you have donated or have been praying, you are in this with me and it means everything to me to have an army walking this path.
Let me tell you, it isn't easy to stay married to a question mark... It but as I keep telling the children, while Daddy is away, God is their father, God is our provider, God is big enough to carry us through this journey.
After the meeting Thursday, I will know a bit more about my other opportunities to raise funds without having to beg (hopefully!!).
There are some intense messes that Caleb has a left behind as he goes into this time in rehab. But I am grateful that those don't define me, I am grateful God has surrounded me with prayers to know that though the enemy seeks my destruction, and my family's destruction, God is offering us a hope and a future. I am grateful for the clarity of thought and strength of mind God has given me in talking to the children about these changes.
Normal will most likely never be my experience, but then again, what is normal? I had four babies with a midwife. Her life's calling is to pack up and go when a mom is in labor, her sleep schedule has never been "normal". But she is a wonderful, Godly woman and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else praying beside my bed as my babies were coming into this world. I guess getting used to the fact that perfect Kingdom work isn't 9-5 mon-fri has been a long journey for me. There is no perfect schedule, no perfect way to order life so that all is done admirably. At least not when it comes to Kingdom work...
One of the people who provided financial support for me is actually a midwife, one I have yet to meet. But she knows Caleb's family. She emailed me and said this was "seed money" for the work that BOTH Caleb and I will be doing as God unfolds His purpose.
What a happy thought.
If you need the link to the tuition fund raiser, here it is again... Though I'm trying not to be obnoxious about it, I am so grateful for what has already been received.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Normal.
Say normal out loud twenty times... That is about as coherent as my normal is...
Caleb was delivered safely to Teen Challenge. In fact, the next day, I dropped off one of his friends to his own rehab, The Refuge, as well. I am now a skilled rehab transit service...
In other news,
The day before Caleb went in, we signed with a realtor to sell our house.
A realtor who knows Caleb's story and has a pain of his own. We talked for a while.
Our house will be listed soon, the realtor is taking pictures tomorrow evening.
I spent today working over there, cleaning, shining, vacuuming a few stray spider webs... And praying praying praying. It will take exactly the right person to want that house.
I know God is big enough to bring them along, if that is His will.
I will be cleaning over there again tomorrow, there is still plenty to be done before the pictures in the evening... Pray I will have strength and stamina and the children will be happy coloring and playing quietly. I already know that E will want me to hold her all day. But I just can't and so she holds my legs and we limp along cleaning and scrubbing and prepping the house in case someone wants to look at it.
There is great sadness that Daddy is gone again for an amount of time no child can wrap their mind around.
There is great relief that Daddy is somewhere safe and now at least there won't be any further messes made.
There is great anticipation for the house to sell, and soon. It has a nice wood burner... It would be a great winter house....
There is also comfort, knowing God is here and His presence is made known in many little ways throughout the day. My mother in law gave me a big hug today. For years there was pain between us, but today, she mentioned how far we had come since the beginning of our relationship. It is nothing short of miraculous. God does bring about restoration.
I was able to say with confidence today, that I am honestly not bitter about the way life has unfolded. I still grieve, but I am grateful for the closeness I have felt to God, Abba, our Provider.
I have learned a Love I never would have needed to know otherwise.
I am grateful for the path because it has carried me to an understanding of Christ, and an understanding of how i fit into His narrative.
There is also excitement!! I have received a total of $884.16 toward Tuition for seminary!! I also have a babysitter for Thursday evening all lined up and excited, AND even a back up babysitter if that one falls through. I have so many dreams for how I can use a Biblical counseling degree to speak hope into the lives of people who are stuck where I was stuck, thinking that addiction is a hopeless life-sucking death sentence for the addict and the ones who love the addict...
I already own the Celebrate Recovery books and starter kit. I would love to see a Celebrate Recovery come to this area. I have tried twice before to get one started, but obviously I needed to be farther along in my journey. This degree will help so much with creating a healthy, balanced ministry!!!
I'm SO EXCITED. Honestly, I have no idea how or where everything will fall together for me to return to school. But I never expected to raise that much in one week, I have been so humbled and overwhelmed by the generosity already displayed. If you have donated or have been praying, you are in this with me and it means everything to me to have an army walking this path.
Let me tell you, it isn't easy to stay married to a question mark... It but as I keep telling the children, while Daddy is away, God is their father, God is our provider, God is big enough to carry us through this journey.
After the meeting Thursday, I will know a bit more about my other opportunities to raise funds without having to beg (hopefully!!).
There are some intense messes that Caleb has a left behind as he goes into this time in rehab. But I am grateful that those don't define me, I am grateful God has surrounded me with prayers to know that though the enemy seeks my destruction, and my family's destruction, God is offering us a hope and a future. I am grateful for the clarity of thought and strength of mind God has given me in talking to the children about these changes.
Normal will most likely never be my experience, but then again, what is normal? I had four babies with a midwife. Her life's calling is to pack up and go when a mom is in labor, her sleep schedule has never been "normal". But she is a wonderful, Godly woman and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else praying beside my bed as my babies were coming into this world. I guess getting used to the fact that perfect Kingdom work isn't 9-5 mon-fri has been a long journey for me. There is no perfect schedule, no perfect way to order life so that all is done admirably. At least not when it comes to Kingdom work...
One of the people who provided financial support for me is actually a midwife, one I have yet to meet. But she knows Caleb's family. She emailed me and said this was "seed money" for the work that BOTH Caleb and I will be doing as God unfolds His purpose.
What a happy thought.
If you need the link to the tuition fund raiser, here it is again... Though I'm trying not to be obnoxious about it, I am so grateful for what has already been received.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
A Hope and a Future
Tuesday the 7th of October was our divorce date.
Seven days prior to that date, our divorce was canceled, because Caleb agreed to go back to Teen Challenge for as long as it takes. He sealed his dedication by putting the house on the market and putting his truck for sale to pay off debts he made... Hopefully everything sells and everyone he has done work for pays their invoices... But we have enough for bills, currently, and I am at peace about resting in God for all of our needs. I was even able to pay rent a month in advance this month.
It is another twist in the road, but the end goal is restoration. I do hope and pray he makes it... I don't want to be divorced, and he will forever be the father of these babies, so... Another chance.
As long as he is willing to work, I am willing to wait.
That said, due to the uncertainty there, I have been looking into getting my master's...
I was for a while,
Then I went to a CCEF conference and received the whispered call to counseling.
I have thought about it off and on for the past two years, but always thought it was a "someday" thing.
Now that life has taken another turn, I do feel that it is time to take this step.
Caleb will be writing me letters from Teen Challenge because he would like to finish telling his story, so that will be appearing periodically on the blog now.
Please pray with me as I step into the future. I would love to start my masters as soon as possible... But realistically, it will probably be next fall.
Pray with me that I concentrate on what is important while, at the same time, realistically preparing for the future. I would love to have a steady career that can help others as well as pay the bills if Caleb can't.
Thanks for your prayers in this journey.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Seven days prior to that date, our divorce was canceled, because Caleb agreed to go back to Teen Challenge for as long as it takes. He sealed his dedication by putting the house on the market and putting his truck for sale to pay off debts he made... Hopefully everything sells and everyone he has done work for pays their invoices... But we have enough for bills, currently, and I am at peace about resting in God for all of our needs. I was even able to pay rent a month in advance this month.
It is another twist in the road, but the end goal is restoration. I do hope and pray he makes it... I don't want to be divorced, and he will forever be the father of these babies, so... Another chance.
As long as he is willing to work, I am willing to wait.
That said, due to the uncertainty there, I have been looking into getting my master's...
I was for a while,
Then I went to a CCEF conference and received the whispered call to counseling.
I have thought about it off and on for the past two years, but always thought it was a "someday" thing.
Now that life has taken another turn, I do feel that it is time to take this step.
Caleb will be writing me letters from Teen Challenge because he would like to finish telling his story, so that will be appearing periodically on the blog now.
Please pray with me as I step into the future. I would love to start my masters as soon as possible... But realistically, it will probably be next fall.
Pray with me that I concentrate on what is important while, at the same time, realistically preparing for the future. I would love to have a steady career that can help others as well as pay the bills if Caleb can't.
Thanks for your prayers in this journey.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Be Thou My Vision
There are no words to capture the day's delight.
It was a room filled with friends, gathered to simply share life.
Sorrow was there, confusion, pain, frustration... and no one was afraid to tell their story; to offer it up, vulnerable, out to a group who has made the promise to help carry the impossible weight of life. And these people do. They carry each other. They have carried me.
But there were also the grateful praises of those who had been in the fire, yet have now made it through, made it to joy and peace and happiness... We were all sharing in the delights of the people who's sorrow had turned to dancing as they happily shared their victories, and they poured warm hope into the cozy circle.
Then, the pain was mentioned. A pain larger than life, a pain no mother should bear, and we gathered around to pray. We were not there to figure it out, to argue the right or wrong, or to prove that there is a God even though there is crazy pain in the world...
We were there to believe in the God of the Universe and invite Him to heal, comfort, and sustain.
And in our midst, He was made known. There was not a dry eye in the room. His power was felt mightily. His promises were poured out and every lie was washed clean away.
For that moment, in that room, He was our vision and what we saw was impossible to explain. It was more a "felt" than a saw, more an experience than a vision. But it was all of us knit together in love. We were not merely bodies, our souls were showing... a brightness that changed the whole room...
And we paused to quietly thank Him. We bowed our heads and made no sound. Into my mind came only one thought, the words of a song.
"Be Thou My Vision."
The room was silent.
I tried to remember all the words and wrestled a bit, "I can't start a song if I can't remember the words!"
The room was still silent.
"Be Thou My Vision."
"But what are the words!? If You want me to sing, give me the words." I couldn't think of them, my hands began to sweat. I couldn't wait, the song was there but I couldn't find the words.
I began. Slowly, somber, fearful to begin something I knew I couldn't finish alone...
"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art"
I faded out.
I could remember no more.
But the song had been picked up by the others. All the others in the room took hold and carried the song right past the part I didn't have...
"Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light"
And then, with strength and delight in the sound of our voices working together, we sang out in harmony,
"Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou art"
It was a spontaneous expression of a group of people with one thing in common: Christ's in-dwelling Spirit.
It was incredible.
I wanted to just sit there and soak it in. No words, maybe more singing.
It was beyond description. It was safety. It was love. It was unity. It was devotion. It was beauty. It was perfect peace. It wasn't something that could ever be recreated. It was a gift from a God who knew each of us was longing for just a touch of His presence. And it was enough.
Then off to our separate lives we went because children needed fed and naps needed taken...
But the experience was still living in every breath we took... when Heaven touches earth, we all walk away changed.
Nothing changed in that Awkward Hallway today. But now, everything is different.
Maybe it is just being offered a different vision, a different perspective, an eternal perspective where God's presence really does shed light into all the darkness and we find the True Treasure, our Inheritance, then we are set free to giddily enjoy it.
It was no accident that we sang that song..
And it was no accident I wasn't able to, in myself, find all the words to sing alone. Oh glorious day.
Eph 1:11 "Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to His plan."
And amen.
It was a room filled with friends, gathered to simply share life.
Sorrow was there, confusion, pain, frustration... and no one was afraid to tell their story; to offer it up, vulnerable, out to a group who has made the promise to help carry the impossible weight of life. And these people do. They carry each other. They have carried me.
But there were also the grateful praises of those who had been in the fire, yet have now made it through, made it to joy and peace and happiness... We were all sharing in the delights of the people who's sorrow had turned to dancing as they happily shared their victories, and they poured warm hope into the cozy circle.
Then, the pain was mentioned. A pain larger than life, a pain no mother should bear, and we gathered around to pray. We were not there to figure it out, to argue the right or wrong, or to prove that there is a God even though there is crazy pain in the world...
We were there to believe in the God of the Universe and invite Him to heal, comfort, and sustain.
And in our midst, He was made known. There was not a dry eye in the room. His power was felt mightily. His promises were poured out and every lie was washed clean away.
For that moment, in that room, He was our vision and what we saw was impossible to explain. It was more a "felt" than a saw, more an experience than a vision. But it was all of us knit together in love. We were not merely bodies, our souls were showing... a brightness that changed the whole room...
And we paused to quietly thank Him. We bowed our heads and made no sound. Into my mind came only one thought, the words of a song.
"Be Thou My Vision."
The room was silent.
I tried to remember all the words and wrestled a bit, "I can't start a song if I can't remember the words!"
The room was still silent.
"Be Thou My Vision."
"But what are the words!? If You want me to sing, give me the words." I couldn't think of them, my hands began to sweat. I couldn't wait, the song was there but I couldn't find the words.
I began. Slowly, somber, fearful to begin something I knew I couldn't finish alone...
"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art"
I faded out.
I could remember no more.
But the song had been picked up by the others. All the others in the room took hold and carried the song right past the part I didn't have...
"Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light"
And then, with strength and delight in the sound of our voices working together, we sang out in harmony,
"Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou art"
It was a spontaneous expression of a group of people with one thing in common: Christ's in-dwelling Spirit.
It was incredible.
I wanted to just sit there and soak it in. No words, maybe more singing.
It was beyond description. It was safety. It was love. It was unity. It was devotion. It was beauty. It was perfect peace. It wasn't something that could ever be recreated. It was a gift from a God who knew each of us was longing for just a touch of His presence. And it was enough.
Then off to our separate lives we went because children needed fed and naps needed taken...
But the experience was still living in every breath we took... when Heaven touches earth, we all walk away changed.
Nothing changed in that Awkward Hallway today. But now, everything is different.
Maybe it is just being offered a different vision, a different perspective, an eternal perspective where God's presence really does shed light into all the darkness and we find the True Treasure, our Inheritance, then we are set free to giddily enjoy it.
It was no accident that we sang that song..
And it was no accident I wasn't able to, in myself, find all the words to sing alone. Oh glorious day.
Eph 1:11 "Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to His plan."
And amen.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Uncomfortable Confusion
Confusion.
I don't like it.
I'm still teaching math to my kids, even in the summer.
There is something comforting about math.
It has rules.
If you follow the rules, you get the right answer.
Relationships are not even close to that level of order...
The "right answer" doesn't seem to exist.
Because if A. person believes that one answer is correct, there will be B, C, D, and E standing around disagreeing...
I used to think if I worked hard enough, I could figure out how to be right enough that I could keep everyone happy with me.
I'm pretty sure I have now disappointed, frustrated, hurt, or caused some kind of pain in every person I deeply care about. Sometimes because I am just clumsy, but sometimes because I think I am doing something right but later find out it was wrong...
This Sunday, the preacher said, "Not one of us is given all of God's wisdom all at once." That we are all just fumbling along, getting glimpses through the dark glass.
The service was about the miracle in Mark, when Jesus heals a blind man, but he does it in two stages. I never ever knew this miracle existed! I mean, I have read Mark many times, but new vision was brought to me for sure!!
Jesus was brought this man, he did not come on his own, but it was the faith of his friends that brought him to Jesus.
Even so, Jesus spit on his eyes, touched them, and said, "Do you see anything?"
That is not the normal response of Jesus during a miracle. The preacher called it a "Parable in Action." The man's response indicated that he couldn't see clearly, but he could see "people; they look like trees walking around.”
Then, Jesus took the time to put his hands on the man again, and then his eyes were open and he could see clearly.
The message was exciting. Jesus even healed a man who he couldn't say, "your faith has made you well." He took the time to heal him in stages. First his faith, then his sight.
It was beautiful preaching.
It was a movement of the Spirit.
It was kind of a long drive...
But it was so much worth it!
The other thing I learned this week is, I can't fix the past, I can't expect the future (because it isn't promised) so I have to appreciate this moment, do right in this moment, make amends, ask forgiveness, show love, extend mercy and forgiveness, in this moment... and leave the rest up to God. It is freeing!! But also confusing... back to that uncomfortable confusion.
I don't have everything figured out!
Relationships are not fitting into the mathematical formulas I made for them when I was younger, without realizing I was setting up formulations for relationships...
A clean house doesn't mean people just walk in and love you.
A messy house can be an awesome place for a visit with a person who loves you enough to come in and sit.
"Being weak": and needing help can actually allow a relationship to grow, not just cause a person to be annoyed and decide you are an inconvenience.
Admitting, confessing wrong, and asking forgiveness doesn't always heal a relationship, but it sets you free...
So, people and relationships are uncomfortably confusing, but eternally necessary.
I have so much to learn... and the more I learn, the more things don't make sense, except through the lens of Love. I have to continually fall on my face before the Creator and say, "I know nothing about these relationships, these people who You created, please help me to Love right."
And in His mercy, He brings moments of love.
A baby child reaching up for a hand to hold onto.
A crew of kids running for their daddy's arms after a long absence... or a short absence... and then tackling him into the water of the community pool...
A great grandma's visit while she watches her great grandchildren with a smile of delight.
A trip to the park with my sister...
A surprise visit with a far-away friend...
Every one of those moments is marked with love.
But each of those moments has an undertow of sorrow... I won't give away intimate details of the lives of my loved ones, but in each relationship there is a sorrow. A deep sadness, but I am learning we don't have to live there.
As David Powlison said, "There is an unspeakable sorrow at the heart of the world. All the Bible writers know that. All the great saints know that. All the great novelists and poets have known it. All honest men and women have known it... In the end, all is loss. And, whether the effects are subtle or grotesque, a madness of evil blinds the human heart (Ecclesiastes 9:3) There is one more thing that needs to be said, and said again. We are surprised by joy, as C. S. Lewis put it. Life wins, gladness wins, hope wins. Death dies, sin disappears, all tears are wiped away, and by the grace of God we will continue to grow in knowing this more thoroughly. The mercies of God in Jesus Christ give certainty that sadness does not get last say... The present help of Christ through His Holy Spirit works with you so you increasingly find the balance between the joy and sorrow. And the future hope of Christ promises that joy will sweep away all sorrows."
The present.
Christ is in the present uncomfortable confusion. He comes in, sits down, and gives us exactly the sight that we need to take the next step toward Him.
In the present, and in the forever, sorrow can be swept away. It will be experienced, but it is not THE experience...
I don't like it.
I'm still teaching math to my kids, even in the summer.
There is something comforting about math.
It has rules.
If you follow the rules, you get the right answer.
Relationships are not even close to that level of order...
The "right answer" doesn't seem to exist.
Because if A. person believes that one answer is correct, there will be B, C, D, and E standing around disagreeing...
I used to think if I worked hard enough, I could figure out how to be right enough that I could keep everyone happy with me.
I'm pretty sure I have now disappointed, frustrated, hurt, or caused some kind of pain in every person I deeply care about. Sometimes because I am just clumsy, but sometimes because I think I am doing something right but later find out it was wrong...
This Sunday, the preacher said, "Not one of us is given all of God's wisdom all at once." That we are all just fumbling along, getting glimpses through the dark glass.
The service was about the miracle in Mark, when Jesus heals a blind man, but he does it in two stages. I never ever knew this miracle existed! I mean, I have read Mark many times, but new vision was brought to me for sure!!
Jesus was brought this man, he did not come on his own, but it was the faith of his friends that brought him to Jesus.
Even so, Jesus spit on his eyes, touched them, and said, "Do you see anything?"
That is not the normal response of Jesus during a miracle. The preacher called it a "Parable in Action." The man's response indicated that he couldn't see clearly, but he could see "people; they look like trees walking around.”
Then, Jesus took the time to put his hands on the man again, and then his eyes were open and he could see clearly.
The message was exciting. Jesus even healed a man who he couldn't say, "your faith has made you well." He took the time to heal him in stages. First his faith, then his sight.
It was beautiful preaching.
It was a movement of the Spirit.
It was kind of a long drive...
But it was so much worth it!
The other thing I learned this week is, I can't fix the past, I can't expect the future (because it isn't promised) so I have to appreciate this moment, do right in this moment, make amends, ask forgiveness, show love, extend mercy and forgiveness, in this moment... and leave the rest up to God. It is freeing!! But also confusing... back to that uncomfortable confusion.
I don't have everything figured out!
Relationships are not fitting into the mathematical formulas I made for them when I was younger, without realizing I was setting up formulations for relationships...
A clean house doesn't mean people just walk in and love you.
A messy house can be an awesome place for a visit with a person who loves you enough to come in and sit.
"Being weak": and needing help can actually allow a relationship to grow, not just cause a person to be annoyed and decide you are an inconvenience.
Admitting, confessing wrong, and asking forgiveness doesn't always heal a relationship, but it sets you free...
So, people and relationships are uncomfortably confusing, but eternally necessary.
I have so much to learn... and the more I learn, the more things don't make sense, except through the lens of Love. I have to continually fall on my face before the Creator and say, "I know nothing about these relationships, these people who You created, please help me to Love right."
And in His mercy, He brings moments of love.
A baby child reaching up for a hand to hold onto.
A crew of kids running for their daddy's arms after a long absence... or a short absence... and then tackling him into the water of the community pool...
A great grandma's visit while she watches her great grandchildren with a smile of delight.
A trip to the park with my sister...
A surprise visit with a far-away friend...
Every one of those moments is marked with love.
But each of those moments has an undertow of sorrow... I won't give away intimate details of the lives of my loved ones, but in each relationship there is a sorrow. A deep sadness, but I am learning we don't have to live there.
As David Powlison said, "There is an unspeakable sorrow at the heart of the world. All the Bible writers know that. All the great saints know that. All the great novelists and poets have known it. All honest men and women have known it... In the end, all is loss. And, whether the effects are subtle or grotesque, a madness of evil blinds the human heart (Ecclesiastes 9:3) There is one more thing that needs to be said, and said again. We are surprised by joy, as C. S. Lewis put it. Life wins, gladness wins, hope wins. Death dies, sin disappears, all tears are wiped away, and by the grace of God we will continue to grow in knowing this more thoroughly. The mercies of God in Jesus Christ give certainty that sadness does not get last say... The present help of Christ through His Holy Spirit works with you so you increasingly find the balance between the joy and sorrow. And the future hope of Christ promises that joy will sweep away all sorrows."
The present.
Christ is in the present uncomfortable confusion. He comes in, sits down, and gives us exactly the sight that we need to take the next step toward Him.
In the present, and in the forever, sorrow can be swept away. It will be experienced, but it is not THE experience...
Sunday, June 29, 2014
The Fullness of Life
This is the fullness of life. This has been my past month: Finding peace and joy everywhere.
In great grandmas and watermelon
In trips to the pool with daddy and trips to the pool without daddy...
In hiding from tornado sirens in a safe, dry basement.
In a brother's reading for the library program.
In visits with cousins
In getting dressed up for no good reason
And even in cuddling the sick away.
I went to my wonderful counselor.
He said I don't have to know all the right answers and know exactly what to do. That life is lived in this moment and we are not promised the future, so we can't spend every moment trapped worrying about it.
I'm glad.
It set me free to just be.
And today I was able to be: present, Joyful, grateful, and loved.
It was a beautiful day.
A gift from Jesus, who whispered I am His and completely loved, a part of His fellowship and set free to Life Abundant!
Friday, June 13, 2014
Heaven's Kisses
The Kingdom of God is not only for after we die.
His Kingdom is alive and active here and now.
I got a kiss today. A genuine moment that had no excuse other than heaven reaching into earth.
No sooner had I posted this:
"Sometimes, when I am doing some small task that seems quite pointless to eternity, I will be overcome by a feeling of joy and peace. It is just like a kiss from heaven. I was sorting through a pile of papers to recycle ones we don't need anymore and organize ones we do while the children were listening to a book on tape and coloring on the floor.... and from the middle of my middle a light happiness overwhelmed me and I had to pause and acknowledge, truly the presence of the Lord is in this place."
I had just hit "post" on my phone, when I got a furious text from Caleb. It was as if God, knowing what was about to happen, gave me a special secret gift of the knowledge of His presence so that when Caleb contacted me, I emerged unscathed. What a Mighty God we serve.
Instead of answering his calls, I texted kindness. Instead of escalating into my own fury, I stayed peaceful, stayed engaged with the children, let it pass... And then it was over, as quickly as it had started, and I was still in one piece.
To have peace in an attack, a calm spirit, it was something more than amazing.
So many amazing gifts have been gifted to me this week.
His Kingdom is alive and active here and now.
I got a kiss today. A genuine moment that had no excuse other than heaven reaching into earth.
No sooner had I posted this:
"Sometimes, when I am doing some small task that seems quite pointless to eternity, I will be overcome by a feeling of joy and peace. It is just like a kiss from heaven. I was sorting through a pile of papers to recycle ones we don't need anymore and organize ones we do while the children were listening to a book on tape and coloring on the floor.... and from the middle of my middle a light happiness overwhelmed me and I had to pause and acknowledge, truly the presence of the Lord is in this place."
I had just hit "post" on my phone, when I got a furious text from Caleb. It was as if God, knowing what was about to happen, gave me a special secret gift of the knowledge of His presence so that when Caleb contacted me, I emerged unscathed. What a Mighty God we serve.
Instead of answering his calls, I texted kindness. Instead of escalating into my own fury, I stayed peaceful, stayed engaged with the children, let it pass... And then it was over, as quickly as it had started, and I was still in one piece.
To have peace in an attack, a calm spirit, it was something more than amazing.
So many amazing gifts have been gifted to me this week.
- A beautiful Monday evening with happy, healthy children and our amazing community
- An awesome trip to COSI with my sister and her beautiful ones
- In loneliness, I was able to have dinner with my parents, and GET CHIPOTLE!!! Because someone had given me a gift card!! WAHOO
- A friend coming over to help clean the house, and arriving right at the onset of a small crisis. Because she was there, at that moment, I was able to go and get to the bottom of what was going on at the bank... without 4 littles making it impossible to have a rational thought... then the problem was solved and my house got clean so I:
- Had the ability to make a healthy meal! I mean we had fresh veggies, meat that had more than a small sprinkling of salt (I actually used seasoning!), and I cooked up some potatoes that needed used. It felt great to sit at the table with my children and watch them devour a salad in a clean kitchen. It felt amazing.
- Then, a friend offered to watch my children so I could Zumba! I missed Zumba, it was FUN and made me feel so great!
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Cycling
It is interesting that our relationship began and has ended with cycling.
I was talking to a friend, who went through a similar pain, I had told her, "I can't do it anymore."
She replied, "Well, you can. You're just choosing not to."
I thought for a moment, "You mean I can cycle more? I would really become a terrible person if I chose to do that."
She responded, "Yeah, I'm sure you could cycle your whole life if you wanted. The only way something is going to change, or the only way there is hope, is if you break the cycle on your end. He may still be cycling but if you're off that bike, girl, he can cycle all he wants or get off too."
That was said yesterday.
All day it has percolated.
Today is Caleb's 31st birthday and we didn't even talk.
God is an amazing story writer... what foreshadowing to have us meet on a cycling trip!!
I don't know where this story is going, but His book is full of redemption, so I can hope.
Because of that talk, I realized, I do have a choice here. A choice I have always had, but never took responsibility for... I always wanted to BREAK Caleb's cycles. But I had no control over that and in trying I lost control of myself.
The first step in both AA and Al-Anon (for families of Alcoholics or Addicts) is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable." Not only do the alcoholics (or addicts) have to admit they are powerless over alcohol (or drugs), family members have to admit it too! For some reason, I thought I had some power that was going to break the cycles FOR Caleb. And that is what pretty much every other "loved one of an addict" begins to think. I studied so many addiction books trying to "figure it all out." But I will never be smart enough to fight back against his addictions, and it isn't my place. Step two and three: "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" and "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives (and the lives of our loved ones) over to the care of God." These steps are used all over the world to help people step out of the insanity of living with addiction... and here I was thinking I was going to HELP! Only God. Only God.
My life is slowly becoming a life again, but it had become unmanageable. Completely unmanageable! What a horrible wreck I was, running around, living Caleb's life and my life as best I could while he fought back with the strength of a man drowning... While we cycled up hill, I thought it was me, while we cycled downhill, I blamed him... but, it was all just us, not getting off the bike.
On our wedding day, the professor who led the bike trip, spoke at our reception. His speech was titled "Marriage is like a bike." Every paragraph started with the phrase "Marriage is like a bike," and then he posited philosophical truths about marriage that likened it to a bike. He gave us a copy of the speech to keep... in all eleven times I have moved in the past nine years, I have no idea where that speech is... but how incredibly true those words ring today!
Marriage is like a bike. We keep cycling back into insanity. Now I have to get off the bike.
I couldn't have made up a more fitting metaphor for our marriage. The symbolic accuracy still has me in a little awe as I continue to consider the fact that I am finally stepping away from the cycling. Then there was this song:
Yeah, I'm thankful for people who understand mercy and grief.
I'm thankful that all of the shame I still feel is overwhelmed by the love and forgiveness of God.
I am thankful that God's story is a story of resurrection and new life... that God divorced Israel, then remarried a New Israel through the New Covenant of Christ... I'm grateful that is how His story goes.
I'm thankful that God has filled His love letter to us with grace and mercy toward victims, broken people and fatherless children... I am thankful for the loving heart of a God who saves and I pray it will continue to weave into myself and the children a new narrative of wholeness. I also pray for Caleb, where ever he may be tonight, that a similar narrative can be his... I pray he is ready to get out of the crazy cycle too.
He's 31, we had some awesome dreams for our 30s... It is hard to let them go.
I was talking to a friend, who went through a similar pain, I had told her, "I can't do it anymore."
She replied, "Well, you can. You're just choosing not to."
I thought for a moment, "You mean I can cycle more? I would really become a terrible person if I chose to do that."
She responded, "Yeah, I'm sure you could cycle your whole life if you wanted. The only way something is going to change, or the only way there is hope, is if you break the cycle on your end. He may still be cycling but if you're off that bike, girl, he can cycle all he wants or get off too."
That was said yesterday.
All day it has percolated.
Today is Caleb's 31st birthday and we didn't even talk.
God is an amazing story writer... what foreshadowing to have us meet on a cycling trip!!
I don't know where this story is going, but His book is full of redemption, so I can hope.
Because of that talk, I realized, I do have a choice here. A choice I have always had, but never took responsibility for... I always wanted to BREAK Caleb's cycles. But I had no control over that and in trying I lost control of myself.
The first step in both AA and Al-Anon (for families of Alcoholics or Addicts) is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable." Not only do the alcoholics (or addicts) have to admit they are powerless over alcohol (or drugs), family members have to admit it too! For some reason, I thought I had some power that was going to break the cycles FOR Caleb. And that is what pretty much every other "loved one of an addict" begins to think. I studied so many addiction books trying to "figure it all out." But I will never be smart enough to fight back against his addictions, and it isn't my place. Step two and three: "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" and "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives (and the lives of our loved ones) over to the care of God." These steps are used all over the world to help people step out of the insanity of living with addiction... and here I was thinking I was going to HELP! Only God. Only God.
My life is slowly becoming a life again, but it had become unmanageable. Completely unmanageable! What a horrible wreck I was, running around, living Caleb's life and my life as best I could while he fought back with the strength of a man drowning... While we cycled up hill, I thought it was me, while we cycled downhill, I blamed him... but, it was all just us, not getting off the bike.
On our wedding day, the professor who led the bike trip, spoke at our reception. His speech was titled "Marriage is like a bike." Every paragraph started with the phrase "Marriage is like a bike," and then he posited philosophical truths about marriage that likened it to a bike. He gave us a copy of the speech to keep... in all eleven times I have moved in the past nine years, I have no idea where that speech is... but how incredibly true those words ring today!
Marriage is like a bike. We keep cycling back into insanity. Now I have to get off the bike.
I couldn't have made up a more fitting metaphor for our marriage. The symbolic accuracy still has me in a little awe as I continue to consider the fact that I am finally stepping away from the cycling. Then there was this song:
Wait, did I write those lyrics? No? Well, I could have.
"Can't go back to make things right, but I wish I understood, time has made things clearer now, we did the best we could... and it's time to let you go..."
*Bleeding- Heart- Tears*
This week has been good, but rough. There have been some awesome moments, when I think, "Hey, I'm awesome. I've got this! Let's go!" And then there have been some moments where, well, I put it like this: I have so far been able to *mostly* keep the cathartic crying to when the babies are all tucked away in bed, certifiably fast asleep... then flood waters burst forth and I usually end up in a similar position (making similar noises) to when I was in transition phase of labor, you know, that terrible part right before the pushing. I end up on my left side, curled up, heaving those deep sobs, moans and groans of a body ripping apart... crying out to Jesus for strength to carry on... I'm sure this pain will birth something new... but I don think the pain will be as quick to pass as when I snuggled my new born babies a few hours after every other transition.
That was me last night. Because today is Caleb's 31st birthday, and we can't really talk anymore. We've tried, but it never ends well. So we don't.
I let the kids call and sing to him. They went in the bedroom while I washed dishes. They had a nice little chat. I was glad he answered, because William had cried himself to sleep last night while I rubbed his back and prayed with him. But we can't talk and birthdays have always meant a ton to me, I love to make them super special... but I couldn't and it was really hard! But I have to step out of the cycle, the circle dance, the unmanageable life...
I went to COSI with my sister today. It was really really fun!
However, I forgot to let a friend know, a friend I had lined up to watch the kids so I could run errands and pay bills sans kids.
Just like I forgot to take the kids to piano lessons yesterday, even though the teacher texted 15 minutes before the lesson, and I was getting the kids ready to go, but a few minor catastrophes happened and I forgot I was getting them ready for lessons and didn't remember the lesson until it was almost bed time!
Finally, today, I bought some milk at a local store, went to load up the kids and left the bag sitting right on the sidewalk while I drove away... I didn't even realize it until I got home to unload the van...
I think I am doing well, but apparently I am still in this crazy mental funk! I am getting parts of the house nice and neat and organized. That feels really good. And I think I am doing well, most of the time. The children are clean, happy, well fed, and healthy, all four of them... but the incredible increase in my forgetfulness indicates that I am not doing as well as I would like to believe.
I'm not sure how to address this. Hopefully, as I process through the grieving and adjust to the full responsibilities of single-motherhood, I will either get less forgetful... or I will be able to think clearly enough to create systems (like I used to create for McFadden Electric) that will make forgetting the groceries and piano lessons much less likely...
I am thankful for the community surrounding the children and me. I am thankful my sister was brave enough to take her itty bitty one and her three year old to COSI to spend the day with me. Even if it ended up being a bit of stimulation-overload.
I am thankful my parents were around to have dinner together with us.
I am thankful I am able to write my way though this.
I am thankful that no one in my support system has said, "Well, I'll bet you knew he was a drug addict when you married him and now you're just using it as an excuse to get a divorce. Drug addiction is not sanctioned in the Bible as an excuse for divorce" (This has been said to shame another, who carried a similar weight and brokenness).
Yeah, I'm thankful for people who understand mercy and grief.
I'm thankful that all of the shame I still feel is overwhelmed by the love and forgiveness of God.
I am thankful that God's story is a story of resurrection and new life... that God divorced Israel, then remarried a New Israel through the New Covenant of Christ... I'm grateful that is how His story goes.
I'm thankful that God has filled His love letter to us with grace and mercy toward victims, broken people and fatherless children... I am thankful for the loving heart of a God who saves and I pray it will continue to weave into myself and the children a new narrative of wholeness. I also pray for Caleb, where ever he may be tonight, that a similar narrative can be his... I pray he is ready to get out of the crazy cycle too.
He's 31, we had some awesome dreams for our 30s... It is hard to let them go.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Sun and Softball
For years, I mean, YEARS, I haven't really been outside during the summer.
I had anxiety about how much I wasn't accomplishing in life, and so I always stayed home to get more done...
There was always super chaos, so I was working over time to put out fires with the business, the bills, the budget, the food supply, the budget, the children's needs, the business, the taxes, the budget, the house work, the business, and my marriage... always my marriage...
If I wasn't cleaning or canning, doing the budget or the office books, trying to make sense of a secret code I was given to work with for where the money went and why... If I wasn't changing a diaper or making a meal or finding a way to make it to the store between naps, before Caleb got back to town for a couple days... If I wasn't doing those things, which I generally was, I was reading a book about how to be better: a better wife, a better mom, a better cook, a better servant, a better disciple, a better wife, a better friend... I read so many "self-help" books over the past ten years, but I'm still a mess. Ha.
However, I never gave myself a break. Want to know why? Because there were two people in my life I wanted to make happy, and I never could make them happy. One was Caleb, the other I will leave anonymous. Anyway, Caleb spent the majority of his time out of town working or in town working. One year, he was home about 100 days, for the whole year, and we had 3 babies in our home already. I did all the office work, filed receipts, kept the books ready for the accountant, did the invoicing, estimating, everything office/management related, that was me. I even managed to take an accounting class... which I aced ;)
I took on every possible responsibility (even homeschooling) in an attempt to get one bit of happiness and gratitude from my husband. He was my idol, my god, I needed his acceptance and "attaboy." I needed him to be happy with me, I thought it would mean he would come around more, fill that lonely void that was always there. But that void was not for him to fill... I had misplaced him in the ordering of my identity. I lost myself in him. Truly lost.
Anyway, Caleb was never happy and so I dug in deeper, did more work, tried harder... and got sick, often. And I don't blame Caleb, really, I don't. He tried. Neither of us had any clue how crazy we were getting... neither of us had any clue that addiction destroys communities, not just a person. Neither of us knew the idolatry we were entrenched in was destroying us spiritually, emotionally, and physically...
The house was never clean enough. The kids were noisy, stressful, needy... the kids were kids... I became short with them, and stopped sitting on the floor and delighting in their childhood... There was too much to get done.
Now that I have stepped out of the oppression, now that I have delivered up my idol to the hands of God and put God in His proper place, I realize I do not need to make people happy. I have begun to delight in the fact that the Creator God delights in me and I can love people the best this clumsy woman knows how, but I don't have to fix them or make them okay with me. I still get all worried if I think I have upset someone, but I can identify the unhealthy thought patterns and am able to pray through it. God has so much more to do in my heart, but I am so grateful He has begun His good work and promised that He is faithful to complete it!!
Today, I spent the majority of the day outside. It was delicious.
We went to the pool.
We went to the park.
We went to the church softball games.
We had fun, and I was okay with that! I didn't have anything to which I needed to rush home.
And the beauty of it all was, I was around other people! It was such a pleasant experience. I felt at peace, delighted, exuberant. I smiled, the whole time.
I realized, as I sat and watched the game with the children playing around me, I wasn't concerned about Caleb getting upset about something and quickly deciding he was ready to go. I wasn't hurt that he had stood me up and "worked more" instead of coming out to the game. I wasn't fuming inside because I was "always the one to look after the children." All attitudes that used to completely steal my peace, attitudes that I was completely responsible for...
Instead, I was delighted to be out there. It was joyful. I watched my dad pitch an awesome game. I watched him score a few runs. I was able to be on the playground and not be overcome by exhaustion. I was so exhausted when Caleb was here. I think it was emotional exhaustion from never knowing if things were going to be okay... from walking on egg shells... from always trying to FORCE OKAY! Whatever it was, all I wanted to do, always, was lay on the couch and veg out or sleep any chance I got.
But I feel alive again. Slowly, slowly, I feel me coming back out. I loved the pool as a little girl. We went all the time, every summer. I loved the pool today. I laughed watching the fun the children were having!
I gained a hope for the future. Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!
And did I mention, this morning, the children were absolute angels! They brought me breakfast in bed and straightened up the living room before I was even done nursing E. Best littles ever! Such amazing blessings!! I'm so grateful God loaned them to me to cherish and raise them up for Him!!
I think a momma could get used to this. Life is good. I can't believe I am saying this, but just for today, life is good!! :) *Contented sigh*
I had anxiety about how much I wasn't accomplishing in life, and so I always stayed home to get more done...
There was always super chaos, so I was working over time to put out fires with the business, the bills, the budget, the food supply, the budget, the children's needs, the business, the taxes, the budget, the house work, the business, and my marriage... always my marriage...
If I wasn't cleaning or canning, doing the budget or the office books, trying to make sense of a secret code I was given to work with for where the money went and why... If I wasn't changing a diaper or making a meal or finding a way to make it to the store between naps, before Caleb got back to town for a couple days... If I wasn't doing those things, which I generally was, I was reading a book about how to be better: a better wife, a better mom, a better cook, a better servant, a better disciple, a better wife, a better friend... I read so many "self-help" books over the past ten years, but I'm still a mess. Ha.
However, I never gave myself a break. Want to know why? Because there were two people in my life I wanted to make happy, and I never could make them happy. One was Caleb, the other I will leave anonymous. Anyway, Caleb spent the majority of his time out of town working or in town working. One year, he was home about 100 days, for the whole year, and we had 3 babies in our home already. I did all the office work, filed receipts, kept the books ready for the accountant, did the invoicing, estimating, everything office/management related, that was me. I even managed to take an accounting class... which I aced ;)
I took on every possible responsibility (even homeschooling) in an attempt to get one bit of happiness and gratitude from my husband. He was my idol, my god, I needed his acceptance and "attaboy." I needed him to be happy with me, I thought it would mean he would come around more, fill that lonely void that was always there. But that void was not for him to fill... I had misplaced him in the ordering of my identity. I lost myself in him. Truly lost.
Anyway, Caleb was never happy and so I dug in deeper, did more work, tried harder... and got sick, often. And I don't blame Caleb, really, I don't. He tried. Neither of us had any clue how crazy we were getting... neither of us had any clue that addiction destroys communities, not just a person. Neither of us knew the idolatry we were entrenched in was destroying us spiritually, emotionally, and physically...
The house was never clean enough. The kids were noisy, stressful, needy... the kids were kids... I became short with them, and stopped sitting on the floor and delighting in their childhood... There was too much to get done.
Now that I have stepped out of the oppression, now that I have delivered up my idol to the hands of God and put God in His proper place, I realize I do not need to make people happy. I have begun to delight in the fact that the Creator God delights in me and I can love people the best this clumsy woman knows how, but I don't have to fix them or make them okay with me. I still get all worried if I think I have upset someone, but I can identify the unhealthy thought patterns and am able to pray through it. God has so much more to do in my heart, but I am so grateful He has begun His good work and promised that He is faithful to complete it!!
Today, I spent the majority of the day outside. It was delicious.
We went to the pool.
We went to the park.
We went to the church softball games.
We had fun, and I was okay with that! I didn't have anything to which I needed to rush home.
And the beauty of it all was, I was around other people! It was such a pleasant experience. I felt at peace, delighted, exuberant. I smiled, the whole time.
I realized, as I sat and watched the game with the children playing around me, I wasn't concerned about Caleb getting upset about something and quickly deciding he was ready to go. I wasn't hurt that he had stood me up and "worked more" instead of coming out to the game. I wasn't fuming inside because I was "always the one to look after the children." All attitudes that used to completely steal my peace, attitudes that I was completely responsible for...
Instead, I was delighted to be out there. It was joyful. I watched my dad pitch an awesome game. I watched him score a few runs. I was able to be on the playground and not be overcome by exhaustion. I was so exhausted when Caleb was here. I think it was emotional exhaustion from never knowing if things were going to be okay... from walking on egg shells... from always trying to FORCE OKAY! Whatever it was, all I wanted to do, always, was lay on the couch and veg out or sleep any chance I got.
But I feel alive again. Slowly, slowly, I feel me coming back out. I loved the pool as a little girl. We went all the time, every summer. I loved the pool today. I laughed watching the fun the children were having!
I gained a hope for the future. Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!
And did I mention, this morning, the children were absolute angels! They brought me breakfast in bed and straightened up the living room before I was even done nursing E. Best littles ever! Such amazing blessings!! I'm so grateful God loaned them to me to cherish and raise them up for Him!!
I think a momma could get used to this. Life is good. I can't believe I am saying this, but just for today, life is good!! :) *Contented sigh*
Saturday, June 7, 2014
My Song
Yes.
This.
How much honesty does it take to admit that I don't trust that Jesus is enough?
My hopes, plans, dreams... they are all rubble at my feet.
And yet, in each breath His mercy sustains.
With a surprise meal from a friend.
With another friend watching my littles so I can take a nap and buy groceries a few days ago.
With the ability to go and spend the evening with an awesome group of girls from church last night.
With an acquaintance, who is now a friend, coming over to help clean and to watch my boys so I could nap today.
At the beginning of this week, I was so overwhelmed with all that needed done to get this house clean. I was worried about just getting a bit of the mess put away!! Instead I got deep cleaning done AND mess put away. I accomplished so much more than I thought I would, with help from friends and the Holy Spirit.
But it wasn't just deep cleaning of my exterior house that has been happening this week. Some big issues I haven't wanted to deal with have been scrubbed at as well... Soul scrubbing, the on your knees variety...
And so, tonight, I deleted my Facebook account. I have done it before, I did for four months, in another valley moment. I don't know how long it will be this time or if it will just be for good, but all these shiny happy couples doing stuff with other shiny happy couples... I'm not supposed to covet, so why make it easier to covet? *update: that didn't last long, but I am "taking every thought captive" and being aware of how the "intrusions" come.*
I keep stepping, then wondering if it was a misstep, back tracking and trying again. But that is life, right?
I talked with Caleb, it was so weird. I didn't realize we had already drifted apart so much, that we have so little in common. I wonder if it has been this way for years. I think it has, because we have been broken for a long time, but living in denial.
When I don't talk to Caleb, my head is clear, I have purpose, I get things done and I can focus on a brighter future.
When I talk to Caleb, my mind gets all fuzzy. I question everything. I get so sad, confused, frustrated... did I mention sad?
Always, in the past, when we have been separated this long, I would give in, invite him over, incapable of dealing with my loneliness and lack of intimacy. Then, I wouldn't be able to let him go... and we would begin the process of getting back together, pretending it would be okay, pretending there had been change, when both of us knew there hadn't been.
I heard the song above and I cried. Jesus has to be enough before anything else can make sense.
I don't know much of anything anymore, except that being single after 9 years of marriage is awful, but Jesus is enough.
I'm getting divorced because of stupid drugs, loathsome Satan and his stupid drugs. They stole my husband and replaced him with a monster... and my marriage died. I mourn that death, I feel like there needs to be some type of funeral or something.
My beautiful dream is that Caleb will clean up, that he will turn his life around and be trustworthy and faithful... but that will be a long and difficult road for him... and he has admitted that he doesn't know if he can.
I found this prayer in the book: "The Bondage Breaker" and I have been praying it.
"Lord, I confess to You any part that I played in my divorce (ask the Lord to show you specifics.) Thank You for Your forgiveness, and I choose to forgive myself as well. I renounce the lie that my identity is now in "being divorced." I am a child of God, and I reject the lie that says I am a second-class Christian because of divorce. I reject the lie that says I am worthless, unlovable, and that my life is empty and meaningless. I am complete in Christ who loves me and accepts me just as I am. Lord, I commit the healing of all hurts in my life to You as I have chosen to forgive those who have hurt me. I also place my future into Your hands and trust You to provide the human companionship You created me to need through Your church and, if it be Your will, through another spouse. I pray all this in the healing name of Jesus, my Savior, Lord, and close friend, Amen."
There are so many reasons I let the crazy get as far as I did... but those lies listed up there, those were a big part of it.
My life is full and meaningful. And the Church has been providing such wonderful companionship, as C. put it, "I thank God that we have all these church people helping us stay strong."
Beauty mixed with ashes. But Jesus is enough.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
A letter to my oldest, as we walk into tomorrow
My Darling C,
I am so proud of the little lady
you are becoming. I need to apologize to
you. I have wasted eight years trying to
save your Daddy from drugs. That wasn’t
something I could do. Only God can do
that, whenever Daddy decides he wants God to do that. But, C., I have not been a
great Mommy to you.
I know you will argue and say, “no,
you’re a great Mommy!” But that is because you don’t know any better and you
have a huge and loving heart. So, my
dear, now that Daddy is off on his own journey, trying to figure out what he
wants in life, I am making some changes.
I am not going to spend my time trying to figure out how to be the best
for Daddy, doing work for Daddy, and thinking thinking thinking too much
thinking about Daddy, because that was not healthy or good! From now on, I am going to be here for you,
little lady.
I am sorry for the times I have
been short tempered. I am not perfect,
and God still has a lot of work to do in my heart and in my life. You have so many gifts and beautiful
abilities! I am so proud of you my
little junior doctor. I want you to know
if you ever decide you don’t want to actually be a doctor, that will not hurt
anyone’s feelings. You don’t have to
become a doctor for any of us to be completely proud of who you are. The biggest, most important thing in the
whole wide world is simply becoming a disciple of Christ and staying a disciple
of Christ. As long as you love Christ,
you will be doing exactly what you were created to do.
That said, I wanted you to know
I have noticed some things about you that are extra special. You, my dear, have an amazing mind for
math, speak in front of an audience with the bravery of an adult, have an outstanding memory, and you are wonderful with people (especially little children people). I know, if you put your mind to it, you will
be an amazing doctor. You are so smart and
dedicated, you will do such great things!
Mommy has been a little crazy
with trying to schedule things and then not keeping to it.
I apologize for needing so much help from you over the past few weeks. Thank you for stepping up when I was
struggling. Thank you for making toast for everyone that morning I stayed in bed. Thank you for changing E's diaper when I was washing the kitchen full of dishes yesterday. You just see a need and meet it, that is so amazing and wonderful. And I am so grateful! I don't want you to think you have to do everything though! You are still a young girl, and you're not the boss of those brothers of yours :)
Things are getting better for Mommy
now. God has been comforting me in my
sadness about losing Daddy… I am still sad, but God has given me hope
and a promise that no matter what, we don’t have to worry because He is here
with us and loves us. I am going to work
very hard to get a regular schedule for every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, and Friday. I would like to
have breakfast every day at 8am. Then I
would like you to start your school at 9am every day. Right now, for school, I would just like for
you to keep doing your short math lessons.
Darling girl, you have special
gifts. But God is first. I also don’t want you to stop memorizing
scripture. While you are making your bed
in the morning or getting dressed or brushing your beautiful hair, that would
be a good time to be memorizing a new verse.
That way it happens every day. I
am so excited that I get to spend the next ten years watching you grow into a
lady. (I get to spend more than that
watching you, but I know you will be a lady by the time you are 18 since you
are already so grown up!)
I love you my C. I can’t believe I haven’t spent more time
writing letters to you. You’ve been able
to read for so long and I have wasted my days writing all my letters to Daddy,
begging him to be here with us. I was
wasting time. I’m sorry for that. I am excited that God showed me that I can
spend time writing to my little blessing!!
You make my heart sing, you make me smile, and you are just delightful.
I have no idea what huge adventures God has for you, but I’m so grateful
He put me and Daddy together so that I ended up with you!! Daddy is an awesome person, drugs are not
awesome. Don’t forget that! You're half Daddy/half Mommy, and I think that
is cool. You got Daddy’s eyes and his
big loving heart. Before drugs trapped
him, he was full of energy and life, just like you. I hope you always know that it is a gift to
have been given your Daddy’s work ethic and his strength! And I hope you know that it is okay to love
him. Pray for him every day. And hope that God works a miracle and
restores his mind. That is all okay and
good. Drugs are so confusing to Mommy
and I am 21 years older than you, I’m sure you are just as confused as me, if
not MORE confused. But I want you to
know, you don’t have to figure it out.
You don’t even have to think about it at all right now if you don’t want
to.
Actually, even better, I think right now it would
be a good time to focus on something else.
I think we need to focus on YOUR hopes and dreams right now… So lets dream doctor dreams together, and maybe even go visit Mara some time. Lets study cells from those books you found at the library and lets learn all the parts of
the body together. Let’s finish memorizing James chapter 2
and get in a regular schedule. And lets cook together. I would like that. I know you have been longing for it for
years. I’m sorry I have been so
distracted and I am sorry we have never really cooked together.
Things are going to be different around here.
I love you more than a whale loves his spout.
You are amazing.
Sincerely,
Mommy
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Dear Caleb,
Dear Caleb,
I wish you could see your worth.
I wish there was something on this entire planet that could break through the fog that holds your mind so captive.
I found these tonight.
I know I shouldn't dwell...
But I do...
Remember when she memorized Psalm 1?
God loves you more than I do, and He can cradle your bruised and broken body and mind, give you restoration and new life...
I know He is reaching into your life.
But when the babies ask for Daddy, my heart breaks a little more. I didn't know that was possible.
And I know I can't give them everything they want, but I always thought I would be strong enough to give them you.
Strength, love, hope... all of these things have taken on a completely different form than I ever imagined. And shifting paradigms are often quite painful.
I will always love you, Caleb. But I filed the papers today.
I pray you find your way to true and lasting Freedom from your chains. I do.
But whatever your path, you've chosen to walk it alone.
You will be missed.
Sincerely,
Lindsay
I wish you could see your worth.
I wish there was something on this entire planet that could break through the fog that holds your mind so captive.
I found these tonight.
I know I shouldn't dwell...
But I do...
It is C., she was just a little older than E. is now in these pictures. You were laying on a ball, she wanted to also lay on a ball. You were her everything.
E. won't get that.
I hate drugs.
I also found these.
From when G. was just a little older than E. is now...
You two were inseparable when you were around. He would even hop on his little bike and ride around the house calling "bye, going to work!" You were his world.
And these when W. was E.'s age... he has always been so clearly your little boy.
He too clung to you, his wild, fun, exciting Daddy Boy.
If I could stop the madness and give them their Daddy boy, the world knows I would.
You know I would.
But I can't stop the madness...
"And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?" (Mark 8:36)
The world is yours, Caleb.
You have all the time to do all the work you want.
You have all the freedom to do all those things from which having your family responsibilities always held you back...
You don't have anyone to hide from, lie to, or stand up...
You get to call all the shots, worry only about you, the sky truly is the limit...
Remember our little baby C. and how she grew up fast and is all tweeny now? But she was so teeny then!Remember when she memorized Psalm 1?
God loves you more than I do, and He can cradle your bruised and broken body and mind, give you restoration and new life...
I know He is reaching into your life.
But when the babies ask for Daddy, my heart breaks a little more. I didn't know that was possible.
And I know I can't give them everything they want, but I always thought I would be strong enough to give them you.
Strength, love, hope... all of these things have taken on a completely different form than I ever imagined. And shifting paradigms are often quite painful.
I will always love you, Caleb. But I filed the papers today.
I pray you find your way to true and lasting Freedom from your chains. I do.
But whatever your path, you've chosen to walk it alone.
You will be missed.
Sincerely,
Lindsay
Lift the load, get out of bed...
Today is heavy.
My limbs feel weighted, my mind is overwhelmed.
We did a lot yesterday, but it doesn't show because none of it was the daily chasing after the messes and cleaning them up before the house transitions to a state of catastrophic chaos.
Four kids wait for no grieving!
I don't even know exactly how the mess reached these epic proportions since we were running around most of the day.
The trusty family mini van is now in my name.
I've never had anything titled to me before.
I have my own vehicle insurance.
And instead of dropping trash at the old house, I even called and set up trash removal here.
I can't go out there to drop off trash, I can't go out there at all, ever.
Last time I dropped off trash, I saw things I didn't want to see, because I went inside looking.
I can't look anymore.
I have to release it all to God.
My fingers feel like they have little lead weights in them, they are clumsy on the keys. Every room needs attention. We need to get some healthy meals up in this house! I was healthy food freak out mom, now my kids survive on a steady diet of cereal, mac and cheese, apples and crackers. They haven't had farm fresh anything... and I used to get fresh, organic, local veggies and fruits weekly... Even so, I'm not keeping up with the dishes (we have no dishwasher and generally these hands that are needed in three places every moment of the day).
But the theme of the day is: get over it and get something done.
I have a beautiful friend who went through something similar. She said for the first few months she slept fourteen hours a day... sleeping away the depression part of the grieving process... I don't get that luxury!! But my body wants to, oh how I long to just stay in bed and not face this mess. I know it is just the grieving process, that this too shall pass... but until it passes, every task takes so. much. effort!!
I hope I'm not complaining, just explaining... maybe I'm complaining...
The air conditioning hasn't been working here, so the landlord is coming on Saturday. I know that is plenty of time to get things straightened, but amazingly, what takes me 12 hours to clean, the children can have destroyed in less than 2! I have witnessed it. And keeping them from creating chaos is in itself a full time job.
Someone told me, "Just teach them to put away what they were playing with before they get out another toy..." After chasing them around for two days "reminding" them in their boundless energy to Stop, put that one away, okay, stop, put that one away... I had to do dishes. By the time I was done with dishes, the mess had returned. I gave up.
W. likes to empty his drawers when he gets clothes on for the day... I have worked with him for months, but to no avail. Every morning, drawers empty on the floor. Being in survival mode has not left me much mental capacity to figure out affective means of behavior modification... So it is a vicious cycle.
Then, I decided I needed some time for stress relief... just a few moments in a quiet bath... I tuck the kids away, make sure they are just about out, and sneak into the bathroom. Alas, a monster bug chooses that moment to crawl across W's bedside wall and escape into the shadows. Both boys, awake and freaking out, rush in and we must hunt for the monster bug. Then back to bed, but they are thirsty... then drinks and to bed. Repeat the sneaking to the bathroom, but C. has had a nightmare. We have a little talk, the boys hear us and join in... we have a family meeting about Daddy, what is going on, nightmares, and whatever W. decides fits with the conversation...
An hour later I am still trying to get children to bed. And did I mention E. still thinks she needs to nurse every 2-3 hours... and still wakes up twice a night!?
Perhaps I am writing this all out because if I don't I may have a breakdown where I just sit and cry for an entire day... and I don't have that luxury.
So as I nurse E. for the second time this morning, I will sit and share.
Then once she is done, I will get up, wash dishes, fold laundry, take away every piece of W's clothing sans one outfit and put it all in a box up in the garage or something, clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen, make lunch, clean the living room, find the library books, clean the lunch dishes, pay the bills, mow the grass, figure out dinner (I probably have to go to the grocery store)... and every single movement takes so much more energy because I. AM. SAD. and tired.
Single moms everywhere who are reading this are shrugging and saying, yeah, suck it up... this is life and you get though, just wait until you have to throw a job into the mix!
I know. I know.
But it isn't right and it isn't fair. I didn't chose it... and I don't have to like it... I just have to figure out how to make it to bed time.
And I will. I always do. The children always get fed. The work always gets done. The IMPORTANT things always get finished in due time... but there is still so much!
I never thought I would be left to do this alone. But this is a big part of why I have always begged Caleb to come back... we don't live in a world where a village comes around to raise a child. We live in a world where, if your lawn doesn't get mowed, your neighbor reports you... if you want to spend time with a friend, you have to have at least hidden the mess from the living room... the pressure and judgment to get things done doesn't stop just because a spouse happens to go AWOL.
And perhaps a lot of it is my own perfectionism still driving me to "do things right!" I'm sure that is part of it, and something I have to work on... but I am drowning in a heavy weight of grief with more to do than I can handle. And I don't know where to start... except all the kids had breakfast and E. nursed twice. Kudos to me... (that may have been more sarcastic than I meant it to be, but E is done and I fought the bitterness as best I could).
My limbs feel weighted, my mind is overwhelmed.
We did a lot yesterday, but it doesn't show because none of it was the daily chasing after the messes and cleaning them up before the house transitions to a state of catastrophic chaos.
Four kids wait for no grieving!
I don't even know exactly how the mess reached these epic proportions since we were running around most of the day.
The trusty family mini van is now in my name.
I've never had anything titled to me before.
I have my own vehicle insurance.
And instead of dropping trash at the old house, I even called and set up trash removal here.
I can't go out there to drop off trash, I can't go out there at all, ever.
Last time I dropped off trash, I saw things I didn't want to see, because I went inside looking.
I can't look anymore.
I have to release it all to God.
My fingers feel like they have little lead weights in them, they are clumsy on the keys. Every room needs attention. We need to get some healthy meals up in this house! I was healthy food freak out mom, now my kids survive on a steady diet of cereal, mac and cheese, apples and crackers. They haven't had farm fresh anything... and I used to get fresh, organic, local veggies and fruits weekly... Even so, I'm not keeping up with the dishes (we have no dishwasher and generally these hands that are needed in three places every moment of the day).
But the theme of the day is: get over it and get something done.
I have a beautiful friend who went through something similar. She said for the first few months she slept fourteen hours a day... sleeping away the depression part of the grieving process... I don't get that luxury!! But my body wants to, oh how I long to just stay in bed and not face this mess. I know it is just the grieving process, that this too shall pass... but until it passes, every task takes so. much. effort!!
I hope I'm not complaining, just explaining... maybe I'm complaining...
The air conditioning hasn't been working here, so the landlord is coming on Saturday. I know that is plenty of time to get things straightened, but amazingly, what takes me 12 hours to clean, the children can have destroyed in less than 2! I have witnessed it. And keeping them from creating chaos is in itself a full time job.
Someone told me, "Just teach them to put away what they were playing with before they get out another toy..." After chasing them around for two days "reminding" them in their boundless energy to Stop, put that one away, okay, stop, put that one away... I had to do dishes. By the time I was done with dishes, the mess had returned. I gave up.
W. likes to empty his drawers when he gets clothes on for the day... I have worked with him for months, but to no avail. Every morning, drawers empty on the floor. Being in survival mode has not left me much mental capacity to figure out affective means of behavior modification... So it is a vicious cycle.
Then, I decided I needed some time for stress relief... just a few moments in a quiet bath... I tuck the kids away, make sure they are just about out, and sneak into the bathroom. Alas, a monster bug chooses that moment to crawl across W's bedside wall and escape into the shadows. Both boys, awake and freaking out, rush in and we must hunt for the monster bug. Then back to bed, but they are thirsty... then drinks and to bed. Repeat the sneaking to the bathroom, but C. has had a nightmare. We have a little talk, the boys hear us and join in... we have a family meeting about Daddy, what is going on, nightmares, and whatever W. decides fits with the conversation...
An hour later I am still trying to get children to bed. And did I mention E. still thinks she needs to nurse every 2-3 hours... and still wakes up twice a night!?
Perhaps I am writing this all out because if I don't I may have a breakdown where I just sit and cry for an entire day... and I don't have that luxury.
So as I nurse E. for the second time this morning, I will sit and share.
Then once she is done, I will get up, wash dishes, fold laundry, take away every piece of W's clothing sans one outfit and put it all in a box up in the garage or something, clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen, make lunch, clean the living room, find the library books, clean the lunch dishes, pay the bills, mow the grass, figure out dinner (I probably have to go to the grocery store)... and every single movement takes so much more energy because I. AM. SAD. and tired.
Single moms everywhere who are reading this are shrugging and saying, yeah, suck it up... this is life and you get though, just wait until you have to throw a job into the mix!
I know. I know.
But it isn't right and it isn't fair. I didn't chose it... and I don't have to like it... I just have to figure out how to make it to bed time.
And I will. I always do. The children always get fed. The work always gets done. The IMPORTANT things always get finished in due time... but there is still so much!
I never thought I would be left to do this alone. But this is a big part of why I have always begged Caleb to come back... we don't live in a world where a village comes around to raise a child. We live in a world where, if your lawn doesn't get mowed, your neighbor reports you... if you want to spend time with a friend, you have to have at least hidden the mess from the living room... the pressure and judgment to get things done doesn't stop just because a spouse happens to go AWOL.
And perhaps a lot of it is my own perfectionism still driving me to "do things right!" I'm sure that is part of it, and something I have to work on... but I am drowning in a heavy weight of grief with more to do than I can handle. And I don't know where to start... except all the kids had breakfast and E. nursed twice. Kudos to me... (that may have been more sarcastic than I meant it to be, but E is done and I fought the bitterness as best I could).
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