Uncomfortable Confusion

Confusion.
I don't like it.
I'm still teaching math to my kids, even in the summer.
There is something comforting about math.
It has rules.
If you follow the rules, you get the right answer.
Relationships are not even close to that level of order...
The "right answer" doesn't seem to exist.
Because if A. person believes that one answer is correct, there will be B, C, D, and E standing around disagreeing...
I used to think if I worked hard enough, I could figure out how to be right enough that I could keep everyone happy with me.
I'm pretty sure I have now disappointed, frustrated, hurt, or caused some kind of pain in every person I deeply care about.  Sometimes because I am just clumsy, but sometimes because I think I am doing something right but later find out it was wrong...
This Sunday, the preacher said, "Not one of us is given all of God's wisdom all at once."  That we are all just fumbling along, getting glimpses through the dark glass.
The service was about the miracle in Mark, when Jesus heals a blind man, but he does it in two stages.  I never ever knew this miracle existed!  I mean, I have read Mark many times, but new vision was brought to me for sure!!
Jesus was brought this man, he did not come on his own, but it was the faith of his friends that brought him to Jesus.
Even so, Jesus spit on his eyes, touched them, and said, "Do you see anything?"
That is not the normal response of Jesus during a miracle.  The preacher called it a "Parable in Action."  The man's response indicated that he couldn't see clearly, but he could see "people; they look like trees walking around.”
Then, Jesus took the time to put his hands on the man again, and then his eyes were open and he could see clearly.
The message was exciting.  Jesus even healed a man who he couldn't say, "your faith has made you well." He took the time to heal him in stages.  First his faith, then his sight.
It was beautiful preaching.
It was a movement of the Spirit.
It was kind of a long drive...
But it was so much worth it!
The other thing I learned this week is, I can't fix the past, I can't expect the future (because it isn't promised) so I have to appreciate this moment, do right in this moment, make amends, ask forgiveness, show love, extend mercy and forgiveness, in this moment... and leave the rest up to God.  It is freeing!!  But also confusing... back to that uncomfortable confusion.
I don't have everything figured out!
Relationships are not fitting into the mathematical formulas I made for them when I was younger, without realizing I was setting up formulations for relationships...
A clean house doesn't mean people just walk in and love you.
A messy house can be an awesome place for a visit with a person who loves you enough to come in and sit.
"Being weak": and needing help can actually allow a relationship to grow, not just cause a person to be annoyed and decide you are an inconvenience.
Admitting, confessing wrong, and asking forgiveness doesn't always heal a relationship, but it sets you free...
So, people and relationships are uncomfortably confusing, but eternally necessary.
I have so much to learn... and the more I learn, the more things don't make sense, except through the lens of Love.  I have to continually fall on my face before the Creator and say, "I know nothing about these relationships, these people who You created, please help me to Love right."
And in His mercy, He brings moments of love.
A baby child reaching up for a hand to hold onto.
A crew of kids running for their daddy's arms after a long absence... or a short absence... and then tackling him into the water of the community pool...
A great grandma's visit while she watches her great grandchildren with a smile of delight.
A trip to the park with my sister...
A surprise visit with a far-away friend...
Every one of those moments is marked with love.
But each of those moments has an undertow of sorrow... I won't give away intimate details of the lives of my loved ones, but in each relationship there is a sorrow.  A deep sadness, but I am learning we don't have to live there.
As David Powlison said, "There is an unspeakable sorrow at the heart of the world.  All the Bible writers know that.   All the great saints know that. All the great novelists and poets have known it.  All honest men and women have known it... In the end, all is loss.  And, whether the effects are subtle or grotesque, a madness of evil blinds the human heart (Ecclesiastes 9:3) There is one more thing that needs to be said, and said again.  We are surprised by joy, as C. S. Lewis put it.  Life wins, gladness wins, hope wins.  Death dies, sin disappears, all tears are wiped away, and by the grace of God we will continue to grow in knowing this more thoroughly.  The mercies of God in Jesus Christ give certainty that sadness does not get last say... The present help of Christ through His Holy Spirit works with you so you increasingly find the balance between the joy and sorrow.  And the future hope of Christ promises that joy will sweep away all sorrows."
The present.
Christ is in the present uncomfortable confusion.  He comes in, sits down, and gives us exactly the sight that we need to take the next step toward Him.
In the present, and in the forever, sorrow can be swept away.  It will be experienced, but it is not THE experience...