Uncomfortable Confusion

Confusion.
I don't like it.
I'm still teaching math to my kids, even in the summer.
There is something comforting about math.
It has rules.
If you follow the rules, you get the right answer.
Relationships are not even close to that level of order...
The "right answer" doesn't seem to exist.
Because if A. person believes that one answer is correct, there will be B, C, D, and E standing around disagreeing...
I used to think if I worked hard enough, I could figure out how to be right enough that I could keep everyone happy with me.
I'm pretty sure I have now disappointed, frustrated, hurt, or caused some kind of pain in every person I deeply care about.  Sometimes because I am just clumsy, but sometimes because I think I am doing something right but later find out it was wrong...
This Sunday, the preacher said, "Not one of us is given all of God's wisdom all at once."  That we are all just fumbling along, getting glimpses through the dark glass.
The service was about the miracle in Mark, when Jesus heals a blind man, but he does it in two stages.  I never ever knew this miracle existed!  I mean, I have read Mark many times, but new vision was brought to me for sure!!
Jesus was brought this man, he did not come on his own, but it was the faith of his friends that brought him to Jesus.
Even so, Jesus spit on his eyes, touched them, and said, "Do you see anything?"
That is not the normal response of Jesus during a miracle.  The preacher called it a "Parable in Action."  The man's response indicated that he couldn't see clearly, but he could see "people; they look like trees walking around.”
Then, Jesus took the time to put his hands on the man again, and then his eyes were open and he could see clearly.
The message was exciting.  Jesus even healed a man who he couldn't say, "your faith has made you well." He took the time to heal him in stages.  First his faith, then his sight.
It was beautiful preaching.
It was a movement of the Spirit.
It was kind of a long drive...
But it was so much worth it!
The other thing I learned this week is, I can't fix the past, I can't expect the future (because it isn't promised) so I have to appreciate this moment, do right in this moment, make amends, ask forgiveness, show love, extend mercy and forgiveness, in this moment... and leave the rest up to God.  It is freeing!!  But also confusing... back to that uncomfortable confusion.
I don't have everything figured out!
Relationships are not fitting into the mathematical formulas I made for them when I was younger, without realizing I was setting up formulations for relationships...
A clean house doesn't mean people just walk in and love you.
A messy house can be an awesome place for a visit with a person who loves you enough to come in and sit.
"Being weak": and needing help can actually allow a relationship to grow, not just cause a person to be annoyed and decide you are an inconvenience.
Admitting, confessing wrong, and asking forgiveness doesn't always heal a relationship, but it sets you free...
So, people and relationships are uncomfortably confusing, but eternally necessary.
I have so much to learn... and the more I learn, the more things don't make sense, except through the lens of Love.  I have to continually fall on my face before the Creator and say, "I know nothing about these relationships, these people who You created, please help me to Love right."
And in His mercy, He brings moments of love.
A baby child reaching up for a hand to hold onto.
A crew of kids running for their daddy's arms after a long absence... or a short absence... and then tackling him into the water of the community pool...
A great grandma's visit while she watches her great grandchildren with a smile of delight.
A trip to the park with my sister...
A surprise visit with a far-away friend...
Every one of those moments is marked with love.
But each of those moments has an undertow of sorrow... I won't give away intimate details of the lives of my loved ones, but in each relationship there is a sorrow.  A deep sadness, but I am learning we don't have to live there.
As David Powlison said, "There is an unspeakable sorrow at the heart of the world.  All the Bible writers know that.   All the great saints know that. All the great novelists and poets have known it.  All honest men and women have known it... In the end, all is loss.  And, whether the effects are subtle or grotesque, a madness of evil blinds the human heart (Ecclesiastes 9:3) There is one more thing that needs to be said, and said again.  We are surprised by joy, as C. S. Lewis put it.  Life wins, gladness wins, hope wins.  Death dies, sin disappears, all tears are wiped away, and by the grace of God we will continue to grow in knowing this more thoroughly.  The mercies of God in Jesus Christ give certainty that sadness does not get last say... The present help of Christ through His Holy Spirit works with you so you increasingly find the balance between the joy and sorrow.  And the future hope of Christ promises that joy will sweep away all sorrows."
The present.
Christ is in the present uncomfortable confusion.  He comes in, sits down, and gives us exactly the sight that we need to take the next step toward Him.
In the present, and in the forever, sorrow can be swept away.  It will be experienced, but it is not THE experience...

The Fullness of Life

This is the fullness of life. This has been my past month: Finding peace and joy everywhere.

In great grandmas and watermelon

In trips to the pool with daddy and trips to the pool without daddy...

In hiding from tornado sirens in a safe, dry basement. 

In a brother's reading for the library program.

 In visits with cousins

In getting dressed up for no good reason

And even in cuddling the sick away.

I went to my wonderful counselor.

He said I don't have to know all the right answers and know exactly what to do. That life is lived in this moment and we are not promised the future, so we can't spend every moment trapped worrying about it.

I'm glad.

It set me free to just be.

And today I was able to be: present, Joyful, grateful, and loved.

It was a beautiful day. 

A gift from Jesus, who whispered I am His and completely loved, a part of His fellowship and set free to Life Abundant!  

Heaven's Kisses

The Kingdom of God is not only for after we die.
His Kingdom is alive and active here and now.
I got a kiss today.  A genuine moment that had no excuse other than heaven reaching into earth.
No sooner had I posted this:

"Sometimes, when I am doing some small task that seems quite pointless to eternity, I will be overcome by a feeling of joy and peace. It is just like a kiss from heaven. I was sorting through a pile of papers to recycle ones we don't need anymore and organize ones we do while the children were listening to a book on tape and coloring on the floor.... and from the middle of my middle a light happiness overwhelmed me and I had to pause and acknowledge, truly the presence of the Lord is in this place."

I had just hit "post" on my phone, when I got a furious text from Caleb.  It was as if God, knowing what was about to happen, gave me a special secret gift of the knowledge of His presence so that when Caleb contacted me, I emerged unscathed.  What a Mighty God we serve.

Instead of answering his calls, I texted kindness.  Instead of escalating into my own fury, I stayed peaceful, stayed engaged with the children, let it pass... And then it was over, as quickly as it had started, and I was still in one piece.

To have peace in an attack, a calm spirit, it was something more than amazing. 

So many amazing gifts have been gifted to me this week.

• A beautiful Monday evening with happy, healthy children and our amazing community
• An awesome trip to COSI with my sister and her beautiful ones
• In loneliness, I was able to have dinner with my parents, and GET CHIPOTLE!!! Because someone had given me a gift card!! WAHOO
• A friend coming over to help clean the house, and arriving right at the onset of a small crisis.  Because she was there, at that moment, I was able to go and get to the bottom of what was going on at the bank... without 4 littles making it impossible to have a rational thought... then the problem was solved and my house got clean so I:
• Had the ability to make a healthy meal! I mean we had fresh veggies, meat that had more than a small sprinkling of salt (I actually used seasoning!), and I cooked up some potatoes that needed used.  It felt great to sit at the table with my children and watch them devour a salad in a clean kitchen.  It felt amazing.
• Then, a friend offered to watch my children so I could Zumba!  I missed Zumba, it was FUN and made me feel so great!

Even though there have been some low, grieving moments this week... So much wonderful peace and joy has filled my house.  Healing is happening.  God is moving in a Mighty way.  And I am so grateful that I can't even think of an adjective that would sufficiently describe my level of gratefulness.

Cycling

It is interesting that our relationship began and has ended with cycling.

I was talking to a friend, who went through a similar pain, I had told her, "I can't do it anymore."
She replied, "Well, you can.  You're just choosing not to."
I thought for a moment, "You mean I can cycle more?  I would really become a terrible person if I chose to do that."
She responded, "Yeah, I'm sure you could cycle your whole life if you wanted.  The only way something is going to change, or the only way there is hope, is if you break the cycle on your end.  He may still be cycling but if you're off that bike, girl, he can cycle all he wants or get off too."

That was said yesterday.
All day it has percolated.
Today is Caleb's 31st birthday and we didn't even talk.

God is an amazing story writer... what foreshadowing to have us meet on a cycling trip!!

I don't know where this story is going, but His book is full of redemption, so I can hope.

Because of that talk, I realized, I do have a choice here.  A choice I have always had, but never took responsibility for... I always wanted to BREAK Caleb's cycles.  But I had no control over that and in trying I lost control of myself.

The first step in both AA and Al-Anon (for families of Alcoholics or Addicts) is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable."  Not only do the alcoholics (or addicts) have to admit they are powerless over alcohol (or drugs), family members have to admit it too!  For some reason, I thought I had some power that was going to break the cycles FOR Caleb. And that is what pretty much every other "loved one of an addict" begins to think.  I studied so many addiction books trying to "figure it all out."  But I will never be smart enough to fight back against his addictions, and it isn't my place.  Step two and three: "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" and "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives (and the lives of our loved ones) over to the care of God."  These steps are used all over the world to help people step out of the insanity of living with addiction... and here I was thinking I was going to HELP!  Only God. Only God.

My life is slowly becoming a life again, but it had become unmanageable. Completely unmanageable!  What a horrible wreck I was, running around, living Caleb's life and my life as best I could while he fought back with the strength of a man drowning... While we cycled up hill, I thought it was me, while we cycled downhill, I blamed him... but, it was all just us, not getting off the bike.

On our wedding day, the professor who led the bike trip, spoke at our reception.  His speech was titled "Marriage is like a bike."  Every paragraph started with the phrase "Marriage is like a bike," and then he posited philosophical truths about marriage that likened it to a bike.  He gave us a copy of the speech to keep... in all eleven times I have moved in the past nine years, I have no idea where that speech is... but how incredibly true those words ring today!

Marriage is like a bike.  We keep cycling back into insanity.  Now I have to get off the bike.

I couldn't have made up a more fitting metaphor for our marriage.  The symbolic accuracy still has me in a little awe as I continue to consider the fact that I am finally stepping away from the cycling.  Then there was this song:

Wait, did I write those lyrics?  No? Well, I could have.

"Can't go back to make things right, but I wish I understood, time has made things clearer now, we did the best we could... and it's time to let you go..."

*Bleeding- Heart- Tears* 

This week has been good, but rough.  There have been some awesome moments, when I think, "Hey, I'm awesome. I've got this!  Let's go!"  And then there have been some moments where, well, I put it like this: I have so far been able to *mostly* keep the cathartic crying to when the babies are all tucked away in bed, certifiably fast asleep... then flood waters burst forth and I usually end up in a similar position (making similar noises) to when I was in transition phase of labor, you know, that terrible part right before the pushing. I end up on my left side, curled up, heaving those deep sobs, moans and groans of a body ripping apart... crying out to Jesus for strength to carry on... I'm sure this pain will birth something new... but I don think the pain will be as quick to pass as when I snuggled my new born babies a few hours after every other transition.

That was me last night.  Because today is Caleb's 31st birthday, and we can't really talk anymore.  We've tried, but it never ends well.  So we don't.

I let the kids call and sing to him.  They went in the bedroom while I washed dishes.  They had a nice little chat.  I was glad he answered, because William had cried himself to sleep last night while I rubbed his back and prayed with him.  But we can't talk and birthdays have always meant a ton to me, I love to make them super special... but I couldn't and it was really hard!  But I have to step out of the cycle, the circle dance, the unmanageable life...

I went to COSI with my sister today.  It was really really fun! 

However, I forgot to let a friend know, a friend I had lined up to watch the kids so I could run errands and pay bills sans kids.

Just like I forgot to take the kids to piano lessons yesterday, even though the teacher texted 15 minutes before the lesson, and I was getting the kids ready to go, but a few minor catastrophes happened and I forgot I was getting them ready for lessons and didn't remember the lesson until it was almost bed time!

Finally, today, I bought some milk at a local store, went to load up the kids and left the bag sitting right on the sidewalk while I drove away... I didn't even realize it until I got home to unload the van...

I think I am doing well, but apparently I am still in this crazy mental funk!  I am getting parts of the house nice and neat and organized.  That feels really good.  And I think I am doing well, most of the time.  The children are clean, happy, well fed, and healthy, all four of them... but the incredible increase in my forgetfulness indicates that I am not doing as well as I would like to believe.

I'm not sure how to address this.  Hopefully, as I process through the grieving and adjust to the full responsibilities of single-motherhood, I will either get less forgetful... or I will be able to think clearly enough to create systems (like I used to create for McFadden Electric) that will make forgetting the groceries and piano lessons much less likely...

I am thankful for the community surrounding the children and me.  I am thankful my sister was brave enough to take her itty bitty one and her three year old to COSI to spend the day with me.  Even if it ended up being a bit of stimulation-overload.

I am thankful my parents were around to have dinner together with us.

I am thankful I am able to write my way though this.

I am thankful that no one in my support system has said, "Well, I'll bet you knew he was a drug addict when you married him and now you're just using it as an excuse to get a divorce.  Drug addiction is not sanctioned in the Bible as an excuse for divorce" (This has been said to shame another, who carried a similar weight and brokenness).

Yeah, I'm thankful for people who understand mercy and grief.
I'm thankful that all of the shame I still feel is overwhelmed by the love and forgiveness of God.
I am thankful that God's story is a story of resurrection and new life... that God divorced Israel, then remarried a New Israel through the New Covenant of Christ... I'm grateful that is how His story goes.
I'm thankful that God has filled His love letter to us with grace and mercy toward victims, broken people and fatherless children... I am thankful for the loving heart of a God who saves and I pray it will continue to weave into myself and the children a new narrative of wholeness.  I also pray for Caleb, where ever he may be tonight, that a similar narrative can be his...  I pray he is ready to get out of the crazy cycle too.
He's 31, we had some awesome dreams for our 30s... It is hard to let them go.

Sun and Softball

For years, I mean, YEARS, I haven't really been outside during the summer.
I had anxiety about how much I wasn't accomplishing in life, and so I always stayed home to get more done...
There was always super chaos, so I was working over time to put out fires with the business, the bills, the budget, the food supply, the budget, the children's needs, the business, the taxes, the budget, the house work, the business, and my marriage... always my marriage...
If I wasn't cleaning or canning, doing the budget or the office books, trying to make sense of a secret code I was given to work with for where the money went and why... If I wasn't changing a diaper or making a meal or finding a way to make it to the store between naps, before Caleb got back to town for a couple days... If I wasn't doing those things, which I generally was, I was reading a book about how to be better: a better wife, a better mom, a better cook, a better servant, a better disciple, a better wife, a better friend... I read so many "self-help" books over the past ten years, but I'm still a mess. Ha.
However, I never gave myself a break.  Want to know why?  Because there were two people in my life I wanted to make happy, and I never could make them happy.  One was Caleb, the other I will leave anonymous. Anyway, Caleb spent the majority of his time out of town working or in town working.  One year, he was home about 100 days, for the whole year, and we had 3 babies in our home already.  I did all the office work, filed receipts, kept the books ready for the accountant, did the invoicing, estimating, everything office/management related, that was me.  I even managed to take an accounting class... which I aced ;)
I took on every possible responsibility (even homeschooling) in an attempt to get one bit of happiness and gratitude from my husband.  He was my idol, my god, I needed his acceptance and "attaboy." I needed him to be happy with me, I thought it would mean he would come around more, fill that lonely void that was always there.  But that void was not for him to fill... I had misplaced him in the ordering of my identity.  I lost myself in him.  Truly lost.

Anyway, Caleb was never happy and so I dug in deeper, did more work, tried harder... and got sick, often.  And I don't blame Caleb, really, I don't.  He tried.  Neither of us had any clue how crazy we were getting... neither of us had any clue that addiction destroys communities, not just a person.  Neither of us knew the idolatry we were entrenched in was destroying us spiritually, emotionally, and physically...

The house was never clean enough.  The kids were noisy, stressful, needy... the kids were kids... I became short with them, and stopped sitting on the floor and delighting in their childhood... There was too much to get done.

Now that I have stepped out of the oppression, now that I have delivered up my idol to the hands of God and put God in His proper place, I realize I do not need to make people happy. I have begun to delight in the fact that the Creator God delights in me and I can love people the best this clumsy woman knows how, but I don't have to fix them or make them okay with me.  I still get all worried if I think I have upset someone, but I can identify the unhealthy thought patterns and am able to pray through it.  God has so much more to do in my heart, but I am so grateful He has begun His good work and promised that He is faithful to complete it!!

Today, I spent the majority of the day outside.  It was delicious.

We went to the pool.
We went to the park.
We went to the church softball games.
We had fun, and I was okay with that!  I didn't have anything to which I needed to rush home.

And the beauty of it all was, I was around other people!  It was such a pleasant experience.  I felt at peace, delighted, exuberant. I smiled, the whole time.
I realized, as I sat and watched the game with the children playing around me, I wasn't concerned about Caleb getting upset about something and quickly deciding he was ready to go.  I wasn't hurt that he had stood me up and "worked more" instead of coming out to the game.  I wasn't fuming inside because I was "always the one to look after the children."  All attitudes that used to completely steal my peace, attitudes that I was completely responsible for...

Instead, I was delighted to be out there.  It was joyful.  I watched my dad pitch an awesome game.  I watched him score a few runs.  I was able to be on the playground and not be overcome by exhaustion.  I was so exhausted when Caleb was here.  I think it was emotional exhaustion from never knowing if things were going to be okay... from walking on egg shells... from always trying to FORCE OKAY! Whatever it was, all I wanted to do, always, was lay on the couch and veg out or sleep any chance I got.
But I feel alive again.  Slowly, slowly, I feel me coming back out.  I loved the pool as a little girl.  We went all the time, every summer.  I loved the pool today.  I laughed watching the fun the children were having! 
I gained a hope for the future.  Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!
And did I mention, this morning, the children were absolute angels!  They brought me breakfast in bed and straightened up the living room before I was even done nursing E.  Best littles ever!  Such amazing blessings!! I'm so grateful God loaned them to me to cherish and raise them up for Him!!
I think a momma could get used to this.  Life is good.  I can't believe I am saying this, but just for today, life is good!! :) *Contented sigh*

My Song

Yes.
This.

How much honesty does it take to admit that I don't trust that Jesus is enough?

My hopes, plans, dreams... they are all rubble at my feet.

And yet, in each breath His mercy sustains.

With a surprise meal from a friend.
With another friend watching my littles so I can take a nap and buy groceries a few days ago.
With the ability to go and spend the evening with an awesome group of girls from church last night.
With an acquaintance, who is now a friend, coming over to help clean and to watch my boys so I could nap today.

At the beginning of this week, I was so overwhelmed with all that needed done to get this house clean.  I was worried about just getting a bit of the mess put away!!  Instead I got deep cleaning done AND mess put away.  I accomplished so much more than I thought I would, with help from friends and the Holy Spirit.

But it wasn't just deep cleaning of my exterior house that has been happening this week.  Some big issues I haven't wanted to deal with have been scrubbed at as well...  Soul scrubbing, the on your knees variety...

And so, tonight, I deleted my Facebook account.  I have done it before, I did for four months, in another valley moment.   I don't know how long it will be this time or if it will just be for good, but all these shiny happy couples doing stuff with other shiny happy couples... I'm not supposed to covet, so why make it easier to covet? *update: that didn't last long, but I am "taking every thought captive" and being aware of how the "intrusions" come.*

I keep stepping, then wondering if it was a misstep, back tracking and trying again.  But that is life, right? 

I talked with Caleb, it was so weird.  I didn't realize we had already drifted apart so much, that we have so little in common.  I wonder if it has been this way for years.  I think it has, because we have been broken for a long time, but living in denial.

When I don't talk to Caleb, my head is clear, I have purpose, I get things done and I can focus on a brighter future.

When I talk to Caleb, my mind gets all fuzzy.  I question everything.  I get so sad, confused, frustrated... did I mention sad?

Always, in the past, when we have been separated this long, I would give in, invite him over, incapable of dealing with my loneliness and lack of intimacy.  Then, I wouldn't be able to let him go... and we would begin the process of getting back together, pretending it would be okay, pretending there had been change, when both of us knew there hadn't been.

I heard the song above and I cried.  Jesus has to be enough before anything else can make sense.

I don't know much of anything anymore, except that being single after 9 years of marriage is awful, but Jesus is enough.

I'm getting divorced because of stupid drugs, loathsome Satan and his stupid drugs.  They stole my husband and replaced him with a monster... and my marriage died.  I mourn that death, I feel like there needs to be some type of funeral or something.

My beautiful dream is that Caleb will clean up, that he will turn his life around and be trustworthy and faithful... but that will be a long and difficult road for him... and he has admitted that he doesn't know if he can.

I found this prayer in the book: "The Bondage Breaker" and I have been praying it.
"Lord, I confess to You any part that I played in my divorce (ask the Lord to show you specifics.)  Thank You for Your forgiveness, and I choose to forgive myself as well.  I renounce the lie that my identity is now in "being divorced."  I am a child of God, and I reject the lie that says I am a second-class Christian because of divorce.  I reject the lie that says I am worthless, unlovable, and that my life is empty and meaningless.  I am complete in Christ who loves me and accepts me just as I am.  Lord, I commit the healing of all hurts in my life to You as I have chosen to forgive those who have hurt me.  I also place my future into Your hands and trust You to provide the human companionship You created me to need through Your church and, if it be Your will, through another spouse.  I pray all this in the healing name of Jesus, my Savior, Lord, and close friend, Amen."

There are so many reasons I let the crazy get as far as I did... but those lies listed up there, those were a big part of it.

My life is full and meaningful.  And the Church has been providing such wonderful companionship, as C. put it, "I thank God that we have all these church people helping us stay strong."

Beauty mixed with ashes.  But Jesus is enough.

A letter to my oldest, as we walk into tomorrow

My Darling C,

                I am so proud of the little lady you are becoming.  I need to apologize to you.  I have wasted eight years trying to save your Daddy from drugs.  That wasn’t something I could do.  Only God can do that, whenever Daddy decides he wants God to do that.  But, C., I have not been a great Mommy to you.

                I know you will argue and say, “no, you’re a great Mommy!” But that is because you don’t know any better and you have a huge and loving heart.  So, my dear, now that Daddy is off on his own journey, trying to figure out what he wants in life, I am making some changes.  I am not going to spend my time trying to figure out how to be the best for Daddy, doing work for Daddy, and thinking thinking thinking too much thinking about Daddy, because that was not healthy or good!  From now on, I am going to be here for you, little lady.

                I am sorry for the times I have been short tempered.  I am not perfect, and God still has a lot of work to do in my heart and in my life.  You have so many gifts and beautiful abilities!  I am so proud of you my little junior doctor.  I want you to know if you ever decide you don’t want to actually be a doctor, that will not hurt anyone’s feelings.  You don’t have to become a doctor for any of us to be completely proud of who you are.  The biggest, most important thing in the whole wide world is simply becoming a disciple of Christ and staying a disciple of Christ.  As long as you love Christ, you will be doing exactly what you were created to do.

                That said, I wanted you to know I have noticed some things about you that are extra special.  You, my dear, have an amazing mind for math, speak in front of an audience with the bravery of an adult, have an outstanding memory, and you are wonderful with people (especially little children people).  I know, if you put your mind to it, you will be an amazing doctor.  You are so smart and dedicated, you will do such great things!

                Mommy has been a little crazy with trying to schedule things and then not keeping to it.  I apologize for needing so much help from you over the past few weeks.  Thank you for stepping up when I was struggling.  Thank you for making toast for everyone that morning I stayed in bed.  Thank you for changing E's diaper when I was washing the kitchen full of dishes yesterday.  You just see a need and meet it, that is so amazing and wonderful.  And I am so grateful!  I don't want you to think you have to do everything though!  You are still a young girl, and you're not the boss of those brothers of yours :)

 

          Things are getting better for Mommy now.  God has been comforting me in my sadness about losing Daddy… I am still sad, but God has given me hope and a promise that no matter what, we don’t have to worry because He is here with us and loves us.  I am going to work very hard to get a regular schedule for every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  I would like to have breakfast every day at 8am.  Then I would like you to start your school at 9am every day.  Right now, for school, I would just like for you to keep doing your short math lessons. 

 

                Darling girl, you have special gifts.  But God is first.  I also don’t want you to stop memorizing scripture.  While you are making your bed in the morning or getting dressed or brushing your beautiful hair, that would be a good time to be memorizing a new verse.  That way it happens every day.  I am so excited that I get to spend the next ten years watching you grow into a lady.  (I get to spend more than that watching you, but I know you will be a lady by the time you are 18 since you are already so grown up!)

                I love you my C.  I can’t believe I haven’t spent more time writing letters to you.  You’ve been able to read for so long and I have wasted my days writing all my letters to Daddy, begging him to be here with us.  I was wasting time.  I’m sorry for that.  I am excited that God showed me that I can spend time writing to my little blessing!!  You make my heart sing, you make me smile, and you are just delightful.

I have no idea what huge adventures God has for you, but I’m so grateful He put me and Daddy together so that I ended up with you!!  Daddy is an awesome person, drugs are not awesome.  Don’t forget that!  You're half Daddy/half Mommy, and I think that is cool.  You got Daddy’s eyes and his big loving heart.  Before drugs trapped him, he was full of energy and life, just like you.  I hope you always know that it is a gift to have been given your Daddy’s work ethic and his strength!  And I hope you know that it is okay to love him.  Pray for him every day.  And hope that God works a miracle and restores his mind.  That is all okay and good.  Drugs are so confusing to Mommy and I am 21 years older than you, I’m sure you are just as confused as me, if not MORE confused.  But I want you to know, you don’t have to figure it out.  You don’t even have to think about it at all right now if you don’t want to.

Actually, even better, I think right now it would be a good time to focus on something else.  I think we need to focus on YOUR hopes and dreams right now…  So lets dream doctor dreams together, and maybe even go visit Mara some time.  Lets study cells from those books you found at the library and lets learn all the parts of the body together.  Let’s finish memorizing James chapter 2 and get in a regular schedule.  And lets cook together.  I would like that.  I know you have been longing for it for years.  I’m sorry I have been so distracted and I am sorry we have never really cooked together.  Things are going to be different around here. 

I love you more than a whale loves his spout.

You are amazing.

Sincerely,

Mommy

Dear Caleb,

Dear Caleb,
I wish you could see your worth.
I wish there was something on this entire planet that could break through the fog that holds your mind so captive.
I found these tonight.
I know I shouldn't dwell...
But I do...

 

 

It is C., she was just a little older than E. is now in these pictures.  You were laying on a ball, she wanted to also lay on a ball.  You were her everything.

E. won't get that.

I hate drugs.

I also found these.

 

 

 

From when G. was just a little older than E. is now...

You two were inseparable when you were around.  He would even hop on his little bike and ride around the house calling "bye, going to work!" You were his world.

 

And these when W. was E.'s age... he has always been so clearly your little boy.

He too clung to you, his wild, fun, exciting Daddy Boy.

 

 

If I could stop the madness and give them their Daddy boy, the world knows I would.

You know I would.

But I can't stop the madness...

"And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?" (Mark 8:36)

 

 

The world is yours, Caleb.

You have all the time to do all the work you want.

You have all the freedom to do all those things from which having your family responsibilities always held you back...

You don't have anyone to hide from, lie to, or stand up...

You get to call all the shots, worry only about you, the sky truly is the limit...

Remember our little baby C. and how she grew up fast and is all tweeny now?  But she was so teeny then!
Remember when she memorized Psalm 1?

God loves you more than I do, and He can cradle your bruised and broken body and mind, give you restoration and new life...
I know He is reaching into your life.
But when the babies ask for Daddy, my heart breaks a little more.  I didn't know that was possible.
And I know I can't give them everything they want, but I always thought I would be strong enough to give them you.
Strength, love, hope... all of these things have taken on a completely different form than I ever imagined. And shifting paradigms are often quite painful.
I will always love you, Caleb.  But I filed the papers today.
I pray you find your way to true and lasting Freedom from your chains.  I do.
But whatever your path, you've chosen to walk it alone.
You will be missed.
Sincerely,
Lindsay

 

Post by Diana Tocheff.


 

Lift the load, get out of bed...

Today is heavy.
My limbs feel weighted, my mind is overwhelmed.
We did a lot yesterday, but it doesn't show because none of it was the daily chasing after the messes and cleaning them up before the house transitions to a state of catastrophic chaos.
Four kids wait for no grieving!
I don't even know exactly how the mess reached these epic proportions since we were running around most of the day.
The trusty family mini van is now in my name.
I've never had anything titled to me before.
I have my own vehicle insurance.
And instead of dropping trash at the old house, I even called and set up trash removal here.
I can't go out there to drop off trash, I can't go out there at all, ever.
Last time I dropped off trash, I saw things I didn't want to see, because I went inside looking.
I can't look anymore.
I have to release it all to God.
My fingers feel like they have little lead weights in them, they are clumsy on the keys.  Every room needs attention.  We need to get some healthy meals up in this house!  I was healthy food freak out mom, now my kids survive on a steady diet of cereal, mac and cheese, apples and crackers. They haven't had farm fresh anything... and I used to get fresh, organic, local veggies and fruits weekly... Even so, I'm not keeping up with the dishes (we have no dishwasher and generally these hands that are needed in three places every moment of the day).
But the theme of the day is: get over it and get something done.
I have a beautiful friend who went through something similar.  She said for the first few months she slept fourteen hours a day... sleeping away the depression part of the grieving process... I don't get that luxury!! But my body wants to, oh how I long to just stay in bed and not face this mess.  I know it is just the grieving process, that this too shall pass... but until it passes, every task takes so. much. effort!!
I hope I'm not complaining, just explaining... maybe I'm complaining...
The air conditioning hasn't been working here, so the landlord is coming on Saturday. I know that is plenty of time to get things straightened, but amazingly, what takes me 12 hours to clean, the children can have destroyed in less than 2!  I have witnessed it.  And keeping them from creating chaos is in itself a full time job.
Someone told me, "Just teach them to put away what they were playing with before they get out another toy..." After chasing them around for two days "reminding" them in their boundless energy to Stop, put that one away, okay, stop, put that one away... I had to do dishes.  By the time I was done with dishes, the mess had returned.  I gave up.
W. likes to empty his drawers when he gets clothes on for the day... I have worked with him for months, but to no avail. Every morning, drawers empty on the floor.  Being in survival mode has not left me much mental capacity to figure out affective means of behavior modification...  So it is a vicious cycle.
Then, I decided I needed some time for stress relief... just a few moments in a quiet bath... I tuck the kids away, make sure they are just about out, and sneak into the bathroom.  Alas, a monster bug chooses that moment to crawl across W's bedside wall and escape into the shadows.  Both boys, awake and freaking out, rush in and we must hunt for the monster bug.  Then back to bed, but they are thirsty... then drinks and to bed.  Repeat the sneaking to the bathroom, but C. has had a nightmare. We have a little talk, the boys hear us and join in... we have a family meeting about Daddy, what is going on, nightmares, and whatever W. decides fits with the conversation...
An hour later I am still trying to get children to bed.  And did I mention E. still thinks she needs to nurse every 2-3 hours... and still wakes up twice a night!?
Perhaps I am writing this all out because if I don't I may have a breakdown where I just sit and cry for an entire day... and I don't have that luxury. 
So as I nurse E. for the second time this morning, I will sit and share.
Then once she is done, I will get up, wash dishes, fold laundry, take away every piece of W's clothing sans one outfit and put it all in a box up in the garage or something, clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen, make lunch, clean the living room, find the library books, clean the lunch dishes, pay the bills, mow the grass, figure out dinner  (I probably have to go to the grocery store)... and every single movement takes so much more energy because I. AM. SAD. and tired.
Single moms everywhere who are reading this are shrugging and saying, yeah, suck it up... this is life and you get though, just wait until you have to throw a job into the mix!
I know. I know.
But it isn't right and it isn't fair.  I didn't chose it... and I don't have to like it... I just have to figure out how to make it to bed time.
And I will. I always do. The children always get fed.  The work always gets done.  The IMPORTANT things always get finished in due time... but there is still so much!
I never thought I would be left to do this alone.  But this is a big part of why I have always begged Caleb to come back... we don't live in a world where a village comes around to raise a child.  We live in a world where, if your lawn doesn't get mowed, your neighbor reports you... if you want to spend time with a friend, you have to have at least hidden the mess from the living room... the pressure and judgment to get things done doesn't stop just because a spouse happens to go AWOL.
And perhaps a lot of it is my own perfectionism still driving me to "do things right!" I'm sure that is part of it, and something I have to work on... but I am drowning in a heavy weight of grief with more to do than I can handle.  And I don't know where to start... except all the kids had breakfast and E. nursed twice. Kudos to me... (that may have been more sarcastic than I meant it to be, but E is done and I fought the bitterness as best I could).

Water from the Rock

I want to complain.
I want to sit down at this computer and utter such a bitter diatribe that the world sees me for the poor pitiful victim I think I am.
That is my default: victim or martyr.
There is so much bitterness welling up in my throat that I taste the bile of it all.
I have to forgive and press on.  Bitterness will only serve to destroy my soul.  My soul is all that I have of any worth, I cannot forfeit it to bitterness and complaining... but I WANT TO! (stomps figurative foot).
I am the people of Israel, lost in the wilderness, and all I want to do is complain.
Instead, once again, I must Dayenu.
It WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH!  Think it, meditate... if they would have only seen the blessings, relished in the beauty of all that they were given, if their focus had been on truth and not complaining, the promised land would have been theirs... immediately.
Dayenu.
Enough.  Meditate on God's enough-ness.  Jesus is enough.

Caleb gave me a mini-lecture today, he called after he went to counseling.  I'm sure he thought he was just helping... burn me up like the tip of a match... I didn't say much back, ooooh you know I wanted to.
But I received it, there was plenty of truth there, plenty true...
But my heart was burning, not from eating spicy food either...
WHO ARE YOU to tell me I'm a mess!?
And then, who am I to tell you you're a mess?
I've been a self-righteous, victim playing martyr.  I love to point out the mess in others and help them fix it.  Maybe that is why Caleb and I had that magnetism, I thought I could fix him, he let me try...
(Skip to 1:00, that is where it starts, really)...

Lyrics at the end there, "The other night you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up but we'd both agree

It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... Oh...
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... Oh..."

Yes. Exactly.  Right.  Well, now I want to complain.  All I want to do is sit here and say, "Look at how hard I tried, look at how well I did, look at all my sacrifice, now look at how unfair it all is..."

But I am called to something more.
As I sat here, preparing to type my whining, I was reminded of the story of Moses losing his ability to see the Promised Land.  It hit me hard, no pun intended (mostly).  Here is Moses, following God through all of these trials, and he hits a rock!  What?  Water still came out.  Why in the world was God so harsh??
I found a pretty good summary on this site "Ultimately of course, it's because Moses did not believe that God could bring the water out of the rock, and hit it himself. (perhaps he was trying to knock loose rocks to open up a stream, or he thought that his staff held some special Mosaic power - either way, he thought he was the key to the equation)."
God told Moses to speak to the rock, in front of the people, and the water would flow.  The people were dying!  God was going to give them water.  Even though Moses didn't obey, God still gave the people water, He wasn't going to punish Moses by making the people die of thirst...
But He did punish Moses.
So here I am, grumpy at my lot in life, but not wanting to take responsibility for my part... Because everyone in the world should always feel sorry for me, and love me, and clean up my problems because I chose to marry and stay in intimate relationship with a heroin addict... I want everyone to see me as a hero, when really I'm just really foolish... and confused!!!

Ultimately, of course, these past ten years I have not believed that God could bring full healing and restoration for Caleb if I stepped out of the equation. Even though my only moments of peace and sanity have come when we were separated, I have always returned after a few short months to "life as usual."
I have tried to orchestrate his healing in every way I possibly could .  I was constantly (just ask Caleb if you don't believe me) offering this solution, that solution, this program, that counsel... but never actually LETTING HIM GO!  In the end, I held on and became a pawn, falling deeper into the insanity myself... I threatened divorce so often it became laughable, but then backed down when he crossed that line I had set, because I didn't think divorce was the answer... "GOD HATES DIVORCE" (in my face, always.) 

So, I would say, "if you fail another drug test, that's it, divorce." Three failed tests later, I'm sitting there, begging him to just agree to go to counseling... and on and on, six years of that. SIX YEARS OF THAT.  And I always had pride in what a "smart" girl I was... oh foolish woman.
He would leave, and I would blow up his phone.
I mean, crazy person phone calling happening in the night.
Once I called 50 times!  He ignored all of them.  But for some reason I thought I could get him to answer and talk him in to coming home, I didn't want to feel abandoned.
(Ha, I say, now, in all my abandonment.)
He never came home, not unless he wanted to... and he never plugged into any of my suggested programs, except enough to get me off his back.  But I thought I was the key to the equation.
If I kept him safe, if I kept him around, if I read the gospel to him as he was nodding out- high, drunk, gone... but if I kept trying, that Living Water would pour out and He would be free to actually love ME, not the real love of his life... his real love, you know, the one he kept going back to...

I know God made the water flow from the rock, even though Moses messed up. Because God loves His people.  But Moses didn't get to see the Promised Land, because he didn't trust God.
God's salvation will flow into Caleb's heart and life, it already has and he will be saved, sanctified, Holy Ghost filled... and God will continue His Good Work in Caleb's life, even though I messed up.
But maybe, because I thought it all counted on me, maybe that means I don't get to be a part of Caleb's sobriety when it comes.
God is a God of Love. I do believe that, and I do believe in miracles.
I know God will love and sustain the children and me as well.
I know He has provided this safe, dry home.
Every meal we get to eat has come from His amazing provision.
Every amazing conversation we get to have with others is bourn out of His love. 
I still get joy and peace from a daily walk with Him, He still pours His Spirit into my heart and life to comfort and sustain.
I am grateful for that.
But I can't change how prideful and certain I was that I thought I had some power to reach in and save this man, simply because I loved him.  Instead, I ended up needing saved from my deep sin of placing myself where only God should be.
I know God forgives and in His forgiveness He keeps no record.
But there are still consequences to every sin.
I realize, that the failure of this relationship doesn't rest only on the shoulders of Caleb and the fact that he was already married to a trifecta of substances when we said our vows... It also rests on my shoulders because I thought I would be the key to his sobriety, rather than trusting God, rather than trusting Jesus is enough for all of this.  Way back in California in January of 2004, I thought I could be a friend to Caleb so that he never returned to drugs.  Way back at MVNU in January of 2005, I thought if I could get Caleb to propose before I went out of the country for three months, I would get a promise out of him that would keep him clean while I was gone.  Oh controlling fool that I was...

I sinned and in sinning I lost the one I loved... because I loved him more than I trusted God.
Tonight we celebrated William's fourth birthday.
We were together to eat, sing, and celebrate, then I took the children and went on my way.  Caleb went his way.  This is our new reality.  It sucks. 
But God has a purpose and a plan for Caleb and I am not the key...
God will bring us both Living Water, from these rocks in our deserts... and He will carry our souls to Glory when He decides it is our time to leave this earth...  but how can I complain of these circumstances, when I orchestrated the demise of my marriage before it even began?
In truth, God has been more than merciful.  And I have been the fool.
Dayenu, it would have been enough that He surrounded us with people who prayed, even while we continued in our rebellious sin...
But He also reached down through eternity and mercifully opened my eyes, before any more suffering was brought about by the consequences of my insanity.
For that I am grateful, albeit embarrassed, and deeply saddened.
I am humbled, foolish, and repentant.
But God is Love, and I know that in my heartache and pain of this lonely night, He will continue to comfort me, His people will continue to pray, and my rocky desert will have a life-sustaining stream.  I trust in Him, finally.  With all that I am.

Joy in the Midst

How can I express my gratitude to all of you who have been praying!?
Such a full measure of joy overflowed from my heart as I snuggled my youngest today, watched my oldest practice to play the prelude in church, watched the middle two play together beautifully all morning.
Peace, love, joy.
Visiting with family yesterday for W's birthday produced these huge belly laughs... I'm just grateful.
Also, last night, I was able to talk to Caleb.
The shot is working, but he doesn't feel good.  It is probably still the PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms).
Withdrawal is the worst.  I've been through it with him numerous times, I know the agony that goes with it... The body rebels against the mind which rebels against the body and itself... I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I've never really heard Caleb so afraid before.  Afraid of the future, afraid of what he is capable of, afraid of the unknown.
He said the hardest part now that the actual cravings are gone, is changing his habits.  So ingrained in his life was picking up the phone, making the call, getting the drug, using the drug... rinse... repeat... Now that he doesn't want it/is super susceptible to overdose, he says he feels off.  He doesn't know who to call, where to go, who to talk to... Everything that "made sense" everything that was life for ten years is now gone. 
And he is floating, identityless.
I pray he fills the void with the good.
But as I told him, I can't fix it for him.  I used to push him toward these great people, toward church, good books... I would read to him, schedule outings with guys from church, orchestrate healthy conversation, but it was never organically who he was. I realized I have to step back and let God lead him to his new identity outside of drugs.  I have to trust God loves him more than I do, trust that God will guide Caleb to his new identity.  Trust that I don't have to DO anything but pray.
And being able to let him go to the powerful hands of the Almighty God, that has brought immeasurable joy.  I used to think that since we were married, I was in charge of him, that if anything bad happened, it was on my head and on my conscience.  That was insanity right there.
But as I open my hands to God and say, You love him, You made him, You have a purpose for his life, take him, hold him, guide him, please Jesus... as those words speak out into eternity, I am set free to find Joy in the midst.