For years, I mean, YEARS, I haven't really been outside during the summer.
I had anxiety about how much I wasn't accomplishing in life, and so I always stayed home to get more done...
There was always super chaos, so I was working over time to put out fires with the business, the bills, the budget, the food supply, the budget, the children's needs, the business, the taxes, the budget, the house work, the business, and my marriage... always my marriage...
If I wasn't cleaning or canning, doing the budget or the office books, trying to make sense of a secret code I was given to work with for where the money went and why... If I wasn't changing a diaper or making a meal or finding a way to make it to the store between naps, before Caleb got back to town for a couple days... If I wasn't doing those things, which I generally was, I was reading a book about how to be better: a better wife, a better mom, a better cook, a better servant, a better disciple, a better wife, a better friend... I read so many "self-help" books over the past ten years, but I'm still a mess. Ha.
However, I never gave myself a break. Want to know why? Because there were two people in my life I wanted to make happy, and I never could make them happy. One was Caleb, the other I will leave anonymous. Anyway, Caleb spent the majority of his time out of town working or in town working. One year, he was home about 100 days, for the whole year, and we had 3 babies in our home already. I did all the office work, filed receipts, kept the books ready for the accountant, did the invoicing, estimating, everything office/management related, that was me. I even managed to take an accounting class... which I aced ;)
I took on every possible responsibility (even homeschooling) in an attempt to get one bit of happiness and gratitude from my husband. He was my idol, my god, I needed his acceptance and "attaboy." I needed him to be happy with me, I thought it would mean he would come around more, fill that lonely void that was always there. But that void was not for him to fill... I had misplaced him in the ordering of my identity. I lost myself in him. Truly lost.
Anyway, Caleb was never happy and so I dug in deeper, did more work, tried harder... and got sick, often. And I don't blame Caleb, really, I don't. He tried. Neither of us had any clue how crazy we were getting... neither of us had any clue that addiction destroys communities, not just a person. Neither of us knew the idolatry we were entrenched in was destroying us spiritually, emotionally, and physically...
The house was never clean enough. The kids were noisy, stressful, needy... the kids were kids... I became short with them, and stopped sitting on the floor and delighting in their childhood... There was too much to get done.
Now that I have stepped out of the oppression, now that I have delivered up my idol to the hands of God and put God in His proper place, I realize I do not need to make people happy. I have begun to delight in the fact that the Creator God delights in me and I can love people the best this clumsy woman knows how, but I don't have to fix them or make them okay with me. I still get all worried if I think I have upset someone, but I can identify the unhealthy thought patterns and am able to pray through it. God has so much more to do in my heart, but I am so grateful He has begun His good work and promised that He is faithful to complete it!!
Today, I spent the majority of the day outside. It was delicious.
We went to the pool.
We went to the park.
We went to the church softball games.
We had fun, and I was okay with that! I didn't have anything to which I needed to rush home.
And the beauty of it all was, I was around other people! It was such a pleasant experience. I felt at peace, delighted, exuberant. I smiled, the whole time.
I realized, as I sat and watched the game with the children playing around me, I wasn't concerned about Caleb getting upset about something and quickly deciding he was ready to go. I wasn't hurt that he had stood me up and "worked more" instead of coming out to the game. I wasn't fuming inside because I was "always the one to look after the children." All attitudes that used to completely steal my peace, attitudes that I was completely responsible for...
Instead, I was delighted to be out there. It was joyful. I watched my dad pitch an awesome game. I watched him score a few runs. I was able to be on the playground and not be overcome by exhaustion. I was so exhausted when Caleb was here. I think it was emotional exhaustion from never knowing if things were going to be okay... from walking on egg shells... from always trying to FORCE OKAY! Whatever it was, all I wanted to do, always, was lay on the couch and veg out or sleep any chance I got.
But I feel alive again. Slowly, slowly, I feel me coming back out. I loved the pool as a little girl. We went all the time, every summer. I loved the pool today. I laughed watching the fun the children were having!
I gained a hope for the future. Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!
And did I mention, this morning, the children were absolute angels! They brought me breakfast in bed and straightened up the living room before I was even done nursing E. Best littles ever! Such amazing blessings!! I'm so grateful God loaned them to me to cherish and raise them up for Him!!
I think a momma could get used to this. Life is good. I can't believe I am saying this, but just for today, life is good!! :) *Contented sigh*
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