Snow Day/Visit Day!

     The roads iced over. The change happened within a matter of a half-hour.  A regular day turned snow-day.  Then, it melted enough.
     We loaded in the family mini-van.  I had texted the pastor of 2nd phase to ask permission when I knew my sister would be home and we got the go-ahead. I told him, "Don't tell Caleb, I want it to be a surprise."  He was happy to play along.
     The five of us traveled, brimming with anticipation and excitement, but it wasn't enough to keep the youngest two awake for the drive.  That worked out perfectly, because they were well rested when we pulled in.  As I got the younger children out of the van, the older two ran for the door of the house that held their Daddy.  I heard him squeal, them squeal, laughter and hugs, and the baby saw her daddy and nearly jumped out of my arms trying to get to him.  "My Daddy! My Daddy!" He scooped her up, laughing at her delight.
     We were ushered into a cozy living room; the children kicked off their shoes and made themselves at home.  Caleb lined their shoes up at the door, under the coat rack, like a visit at the home of an old friend.  We sat on the couches as children crawled from one parent to the next.  I kissed Caleb hello which ignited, from William, "Mommy and Daddy, swimmin in the sea, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Cora and Gavin took up the song (from Cora's performance in Little Mermaid Jr this past summer), and they skipped around the living room, eventually collapsing into a pile of giggles as Daddy caught them and tickled them.

What is it?

Sunday, all day will pass.
Then, Monday afternoon, sometime, I will get to talk to Caleb.
I feel this weirdness.
I can't define the weirdness.
We've been apart for so long, I don't really know him.
We don't have any part of our lives in common anymore.
I do things out here, he does things in there, there is zero overlap.
We love the same God.
We love the same children.
We love his family and my family...
We are trying to sell the same house.
That's it.
We haven't had an actual relationship for years.

Anchorless

There are three houses with a space set up for the children and me to stay.
The majority of our necessities are in one, my in-law's, in a room we lovingly call our "house room."
I have packed and unpacked bags weekly; moving seamlessly from one family to the next...
I have sold furniture in order to pay bills.
I have made arrangements to stay in one place so that I save gas money between scheduled engagements (I had promised and paid for Gavin to play basketball this summer, long before I knew what life had in store for us come winter...)
I have prepared food, frozen it, sorted serving sizes, made sure that there would be enough, so that we didn't spend money stopping for fast food...
I have let go, let go, let go...
But the stretching continues.
The house still has not sold.
The winter continues...

Reflections for a Rainy Saturday

"The narrow way is fits and starts. It's running and walking and sometimes waiting. It's mountains and valleys and darkness and light.  It's not being able to see the nose on our own faces and then things suddenly opening up into a magnificent vista. It's sometimes hard, but adventures usually are. It's not efficient; it's a conversation. You're more likely to go three miles an hour than seventy. You may feel alone but you're not. God is there. And look around you: a great cloud of witnesses."- Slow Church pg 52

"One of the great paradoxes of the gospel is that we find supreme joy indirectly as we go through the fire, are ground up and poured out for each other. This process of giving ourselves up for one another is at the very heart of the way of Jesus." - Slow Church page 57

"When we reject the opportunity to forgive or ask for forgiveness, the relationship suffers. When we choose to practice true forgiveness, the relationship is not just brought back to where it was before the offense; it actually moves farther down the road to maturity." - Relationships, A Mess worth Making

I have been reading these past two months, more than I have read since I was in college. It has been a growing experience for me. How I missed snuggling with a book to explore the inner workings of minds devoted to God and pouring forth His revelations onto pages... I delight in reading.

And music! Oh, the music of this house is incredible!! Many very talented musicians reside with me now :) or I reside with them...
Reading and music
My spirit is growing and healing and soaring, I am so grateful.

Press on into a new year

Caleb has been in-residence at a facility for 81 days.  It will be 12 weeks on Monday, and 3 months on the 13th!!!
He was home for the weekend for the first time this past weekend.
It was incredible.
He got to be around for Ellie's birthday for the first time, ever.
It was an amazing moment filled with love, hope, joy and PEACE!
We got to sit in the circle at church and share in the victories and defeats of this past few months. It was delightful to be there as a family. It was heavenly.