My Song

Yes.
This.

How much honesty does it take to admit that I don't trust that Jesus is enough?

My hopes, plans, dreams... they are all rubble at my feet.

And yet, in each breath His mercy sustains.

With a surprise meal from a friend.
With another friend watching my littles so I can take a nap and buy groceries a few days ago.
With the ability to go and spend the evening with an awesome group of girls from church last night.
With an acquaintance, who is now a friend, coming over to help clean and to watch my boys so I could nap today.

At the beginning of this week, I was so overwhelmed with all that needed done to get this house clean.  I was worried about just getting a bit of the mess put away!!  Instead I got deep cleaning done AND mess put away.  I accomplished so much more than I thought I would, with help from friends and the Holy Spirit.

But it wasn't just deep cleaning of my exterior house that has been happening this week.  Some big issues I haven't wanted to deal with have been scrubbed at as well...  Soul scrubbing, the on your knees variety...

And so, tonight, I deleted my Facebook account.  I have done it before, I did for four months, in another valley moment.   I don't know how long it will be this time or if it will just be for good, but all these shiny happy couples doing stuff with other shiny happy couples... I'm not supposed to covet, so why make it easier to covet? *update: that didn't last long, but I am "taking every thought captive" and being aware of how the "intrusions" come.*

I keep stepping, then wondering if it was a misstep, back tracking and trying again.  But that is life, right? 

I talked with Caleb, it was so weird.  I didn't realize we had already drifted apart so much, that we have so little in common.  I wonder if it has been this way for years.  I think it has, because we have been broken for a long time, but living in denial.

When I don't talk to Caleb, my head is clear, I have purpose, I get things done and I can focus on a brighter future.

When I talk to Caleb, my mind gets all fuzzy.  I question everything.  I get so sad, confused, frustrated... did I mention sad?

Always, in the past, when we have been separated this long, I would give in, invite him over, incapable of dealing with my loneliness and lack of intimacy.  Then, I wouldn't be able to let him go... and we would begin the process of getting back together, pretending it would be okay, pretending there had been change, when both of us knew there hadn't been.

I heard the song above and I cried.  Jesus has to be enough before anything else can make sense.

I don't know much of anything anymore, except that being single after 9 years of marriage is awful, but Jesus is enough.

I'm getting divorced because of stupid drugs, loathsome Satan and his stupid drugs.  They stole my husband and replaced him with a monster... and my marriage died.  I mourn that death, I feel like there needs to be some type of funeral or something.

My beautiful dream is that Caleb will clean up, that he will turn his life around and be trustworthy and faithful... but that will be a long and difficult road for him... and he has admitted that he doesn't know if he can.

I found this prayer in the book: "The Bondage Breaker" and I have been praying it.
"Lord, I confess to You any part that I played in my divorce (ask the Lord to show you specifics.)  Thank You for Your forgiveness, and I choose to forgive myself as well.  I renounce the lie that my identity is now in "being divorced."  I am a child of God, and I reject the lie that says I am a second-class Christian because of divorce.  I reject the lie that says I am worthless, unlovable, and that my life is empty and meaningless.  I am complete in Christ who loves me and accepts me just as I am.  Lord, I commit the healing of all hurts in my life to You as I have chosen to forgive those who have hurt me.  I also place my future into Your hands and trust You to provide the human companionship You created me to need through Your church and, if it be Your will, through another spouse.  I pray all this in the healing name of Jesus, my Savior, Lord, and close friend, Amen."

There are so many reasons I let the crazy get as far as I did... but those lies listed up there, those were a big part of it.

My life is full and meaningful.  And the Church has been providing such wonderful companionship, as C. put it, "I thank God that we have all these church people helping us stay strong."

Beauty mixed with ashes.  But Jesus is enough.