Finding Me...

The stress and pressure of our current financial situation has nearly crushed me a number of times over the past month.
Anyone who has been following is probably pretty tired of hearing about it all.
I know I'm tired of trying to figure it out!!
I have applied for jobs.
No word back.
I have sat up into the wee hours of the morning trying to work out: "What do we do if the house doesn't sell?"
"Where would be the best place to go?"
"How will we get there?"
"What are the other options?"
"What else can I sell? (Or try to sell)?"
"What work could I do from home?"
I worked for days organizing a sale... and it snowed... and very few things sold...
I am not qualified for any job because I have stayed home with these children...
I have tried getting work online editing, but that market is pretty crowded and full of scams.
I have tried so many things.
Nothing is working out.
I am currently working with my mother to get a business off the ground for her, but it is just a hobby business... and it is going to be months before it is ready for the world.
I am digging deep inside myself, but coming up empty empty empty.  I know I MUST look to the One who sustains. That is really the only way I am going to make it.
Because of Him, today was actually a great day.  I unplugged everything.  The children and I went back to our daily chores.  We sat on the floor for two hours and did school together, all of us. It was heavenly.  The sun shone in through the big window onto our little huddle as we worked through "place value up to one hundred million", learned of the "magic e" and read a variety of books to each other.  Then, I went and washed up the kitchen, made a yummy salad for lunch, and watched my little ones gobble up healthy food.
For the first five years of Cora's life, I fought against staying home.  I was always looking for work, always feeling inadequate, always discontent in my role as "stay-at-home" mom.  I despised myself for being totally unimportant to the world, I wanted more...
Now, as I am desperately searching for an answer to our current financial situation, I realize how content I have become with "just staying home." Today, as I invested my time in my children, the peace that I had lost in the frantic hunt for answers came washing back over me.  We fit together.  We all have our rhythm.  We all have our place.  We know how to do this life with me at the helm of the house.
I know the little intricacies of each of my children.  I know when they need time alone with me.  I know when they need a break from work to go run around and be refreshed before starting again with the mental work. I know when they need a snack or a nap or a cuddle... My children know me and I know them.  They had "the best day ever," simply because I was being a mom... and not trying to fix the money stuff...
And I realized, there isn't a thing in this world that I am better at doing!  I can get healthy food into my children, they get excited about brussle sprouts!  I can teach a 1st and 3rd grader while keeping a 4 and 2 year old occupied... I can watch my 3rd grader excel at 4th grade math and 4th grade English.  I can encourage my 1st grade struggling reader, teach him a few tricks, and watch his whole face light up when he gets it and reading becomes fun again!  I can give them hope.  I can give them peace. I can give them stable...  I can point them to the God who loves and provides and sustains...
But I can't pay the stupid bills.
I mean, I can for two months... but then...
I don't know what God is doing.  I do know that entering the field of counseling is the only thing that even remotely appeals to me at this point in life.  I would rather sit across from someone who is broken and offer them hope than sift through a sea of grammatical errors and be on some crazy deadline. I look into the workforce and everything is so... INSANE... everyone moves so fast!  Every job seems to be ordered so that it must follow you home and take up every moment of precious family time... THIS IS NOT THE WAY LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE!! Where have I gone wrong?

I probably will have to move in with family... and even then, I will have to find work and leave this blessed peace of pouring love and stability into needy little hearts...
I just hope and pray that the house will sell.  That would change everything.  But it hasn't.  And I have to deal with the fact that it may not... nothing is for certain and I feel like there is more that will be lost because of the ridiculous addiction...
Have you ever been in the place where you have only two months of savings left?  Have you ever been in the place where you look out and the future could go 100 different ways and you have no idea where you are headed?  How do you prepare for the next step when every next move hinges on something happening and nothing seems to be happening?
I trust God.  I totally trust God.  I know He is bringing me to a place where I have to say, "I fully and completely believe You are in control and I have no control over any of this."  I know that He has looked at me and said, "Watch me work."
But I am full of weakness.
I am full of worry.
I know I need to turn that worry to prayer, and I do.  Lord, forgive me in my weakness, when You have already proven so much.
But it is hard not to look at the facts and mentally beat myself up, "If you hadn't moved into the rental, you wouldn't be looking at a mortgage and a rental payment every month.  If you had just stayed put back in February, you wouldn't have two electric bills either.  Maybe you would have been able to save more of what Caleb made that way too..."
But I know in my heart that Caleb would not be ready to spend the year in rehab if we had lived together all summer.  I know that the reality of separation from his family was what brought him to the place of surrender.  I know it was right, I know God was in it.
If He was in it then, how could He not be in it now?
I worked to control so many things while living with Caleb in his addiction.  I hid money for our bills because otherwise it would just disappear... I enabled plenty in the name of having "control" over the situation...  But really, I was never in control.  I see that now.
There have been people who have stepped up and committed to buying Christmas presents for my children.  I cried.  I had told the children that God was their Father and He was taking care of us.  But the very next day, I explained to them that there would be no money for Christmas this year.  They were adorably understanding and sweet about it. 
Cora bought me a book, back in May, when she got her birthday money.  She has kept it hidden in her room, since May!  She was so proud to say, "but Mommy, at least YOU will get ONE present." Oh my heart. Her love language is presents.  Any time we go to a friend's house, she brings along a present for each of the children.  Usually it is something she has created.  And then, out of no where, someone I have never met says they heard my story and their church group would like to adopt my children and get them a few presents.  Their joy at getting even one gift for Christmas... I am so grateful, humbled, amazed. God provided in advance...
God is in this.  And He really cares about every detail.
I know I have pride, I know I have control issues, I know I have anxiety issues... I know He is using this to teach me many hard lessons...
And I say, I NEED A BREAK FROM THE HARD LESSONS, PLEASE!!
And back through the chaos of my swirling, worried mind comes a small twinkling chuckle and a small still voice, "Then take one. You have two months. Stop trying to find the answers. Rest in Me.  Love your children. Eat. Sleep. And watch Me work this out for your good."
And I want to, oh I want to rest... but maybe I really just don't know how.  I guess I did for about three hours this morning... that's a start...