Tonight, the children and I studied Biblical passages that talk about how we serve an invisible God.
To them, it was perfectly normal, they don't question it... The wind howled outside and Cora very matter-of-factly told her brothers, "just like that wind, we don't see it, but look at the trees! And you can hear it, just like God."
After a wonderful evening of devotions (a welcome addition to our evenings since I am not the only one around who can wash dishes and clean up from dinner...), I got the children tucked away in bed and sat down to read about Hudson Taylor.
Honestly, I would have never picked this book, but it picked me. Or rather, our invisible God chose for me to read it. Without further tangents, I will tell you how this book fell into, well, was placed into my hands:
We were flying home from San Diego, from that conference where I had received that distinct call to Biblical Counseling...
Setting: on a plane, ha.
Caleb and I had a very tight connection and when we landed, we were sitting on the runway, without a gate to pull into. Things were getting stressful.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
The Cattle on a Thousand Hills
Everything that I was hoping to make at a garage sale, but didn't... I have now been gifted by a complete stranger! I don't know where the gifter found my story, but $300 was deposited in my paypal account! The note said simply, "God bless you for the sacrifices you've made to be a full-time mother. I will pray for your situation."
I am humbled, speachless, and more keenly aware than ever of the vast power of the Mighty God we serve. Caleb's truck sold and I wrote a tithe check on Sunday for the tithe on the truck and the amount that came in from the garage sale... I will admit, writing that tithe check was a bit of a battle. "But this is all I have, for the year. This is my guaranteed money, it is here, nothing else is working out! Once this is gone, I have nothing... Surely God wants me to save this tithe for my children for the year... So that we make it 11 more months... To make sure we don't have to go asking people for money, I mean, either God provides it now or later... Why not just hold on to it..." It was a battle in my head. But I wrote the check. It was so hard. It shouldn't have been so hard to give that 10%.
The rest of Sunday I spent agonizing over the numbers. I wrote them out for my mom... She said, "well, looks like something only God can work out."
Monday I plotted and planned... But that was the last blog post, you read it. You don't need to read it again here!
So, after I blogged last night, I checked Facebook. There was a message that I had somehow missed from a stranger. Simply offering support. At first I was a bit rude, I mean, I always default to something being a scam... But it was just someone moved to help from far away. They said, "paypal is easy and essentially anonymous." And the amount of the gift, I stand in awe at the generosity and just...
My list of miracles grows by the day, how can I get so discouraged and distraught?!
If God had delivered Caleb safely to rehab, and not given me a hope-filled calling to counseling, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had given me the hope-filled calling to counseling and not provided nearly $900 for school savings (in one week), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, encouragement, support for my calling, but not brought Caleb to a place of new-Spirit-birth, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had brought Caleb's broken spirit back to life, but not sold the truck the day before the due date came (for many of the bills, sitting on the piano, that I had laid hands on and prayed over because I didn't have the money to pay them all), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, at the last minute, for the pile of bills, but not provided Christmas-present-purchasers for the children, Dayenu, it truly would have been enough.
If He had provided (a Christmas tree) and presents for the children, but not given anything else via a kindhearted stranger, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided a financial gift, but not also provided a gift of heavenly music to calm and soothe my spirit, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
God has met every need. Needs I hadn't even voiced yet, like "where will we stay on Caleb's 8 hour visitation day (when the visit starts at 1pm)..." A thought I was thinking yesterday, and today got a call about someone who lives near to where he is and would like to offer their home if we need it for anything!!
Oh to simply mediate on Dayenu, on those days when the father of lies is feeding me full of worry and fear.... Oh to look at that huge list I made, that doesn't even begin to cover all the miracles that have happened, just in this past month alone!!
A conference about Loss right before rehab...
A community that rose up and bought a bunch of unneeded furniture on the "Facebook sale." Guidance when I am rushing things or possibly missteping. Women of faith to have adult conversations with when my heart is lonely and my spirit is parched. All of its, and so much more. I am so grateful. Beyond humbled. And repent of my lack of faith, my lack of trust, and my worry.
He who started a good work will be faithful to complete it.
Is faithful.
I do not want to forget. Dayenu.
I've never wanted a tattoo... But Dayenu... I want to remember, every day, all He has already done would already be enough... But his mercies are new every morning.
Behold, He is making all things new.
I am humbled, speachless, and more keenly aware than ever of the vast power of the Mighty God we serve. Caleb's truck sold and I wrote a tithe check on Sunday for the tithe on the truck and the amount that came in from the garage sale... I will admit, writing that tithe check was a bit of a battle. "But this is all I have, for the year. This is my guaranteed money, it is here, nothing else is working out! Once this is gone, I have nothing... Surely God wants me to save this tithe for my children for the year... So that we make it 11 more months... To make sure we don't have to go asking people for money, I mean, either God provides it now or later... Why not just hold on to it..." It was a battle in my head. But I wrote the check. It was so hard. It shouldn't have been so hard to give that 10%.
The rest of Sunday I spent agonizing over the numbers. I wrote them out for my mom... She said, "well, looks like something only God can work out."
Monday I plotted and planned... But that was the last blog post, you read it. You don't need to read it again here!
So, after I blogged last night, I checked Facebook. There was a message that I had somehow missed from a stranger. Simply offering support. At first I was a bit rude, I mean, I always default to something being a scam... But it was just someone moved to help from far away. They said, "paypal is easy and essentially anonymous." And the amount of the gift, I stand in awe at the generosity and just...
My list of miracles grows by the day, how can I get so discouraged and distraught?!
If God had delivered Caleb safely to rehab, and not given me a hope-filled calling to counseling, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had given me the hope-filled calling to counseling and not provided nearly $900 for school savings (in one week), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, encouragement, support for my calling, but not brought Caleb to a place of new-Spirit-birth, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had brought Caleb's broken spirit back to life, but not sold the truck the day before the due date came (for many of the bills, sitting on the piano, that I had laid hands on and prayed over because I didn't have the money to pay them all), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, at the last minute, for the pile of bills, but not provided Christmas-present-purchasers for the children, Dayenu, it truly would have been enough.
If He had provided (a Christmas tree) and presents for the children, but not given anything else via a kindhearted stranger, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided a financial gift, but not also provided a gift of heavenly music to calm and soothe my spirit, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
God has met every need. Needs I hadn't even voiced yet, like "where will we stay on Caleb's 8 hour visitation day (when the visit starts at 1pm)..." A thought I was thinking yesterday, and today got a call about someone who lives near to where he is and would like to offer their home if we need it for anything!!
Oh to simply mediate on Dayenu, on those days when the father of lies is feeding me full of worry and fear.... Oh to look at that huge list I made, that doesn't even begin to cover all the miracles that have happened, just in this past month alone!!
A conference about Loss right before rehab...
A community that rose up and bought a bunch of unneeded furniture on the "Facebook sale." Guidance when I am rushing things or possibly missteping. Women of faith to have adult conversations with when my heart is lonely and my spirit is parched. All of its, and so much more. I am so grateful. Beyond humbled. And repent of my lack of faith, my lack of trust, and my worry.
He who started a good work will be faithful to complete it.
Is faithful.
I do not want to forget. Dayenu.
I've never wanted a tattoo... But Dayenu... I want to remember, every day, all He has already done would already be enough... But his mercies are new every morning.
Behold, He is making all things new.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Finding Me...
The stress and pressure of our current financial situation has nearly crushed me a number of times over the past month.
Anyone who has been following is probably pretty tired of hearing about it all.
I know I'm tired of trying to figure it out!!
I have applied for jobs.
No word back.
I have sat up into the wee hours of the morning trying to work out: "What do we do if the house doesn't sell?"
"Where would be the best place to go?"
"How will we get there?"
"What are the other options?"
"What else can I sell? (Or try to sell)?"
"What work could I do from home?"
I worked for days organizing a sale... and it snowed... and very few things sold...
I am not qualified for any job because I have stayed home with these children...
I have tried getting work online editing, but that market is pretty crowded and full of scams.
I have tried so many things.
Nothing is working out.
I am currently working with my mother to get a business off the ground for her, but it is just a hobby business... and it is going to be months before it is ready for the world.
I am digging deep inside myself, but coming up empty empty empty. I know I MUST look to the One who sustains. That is really the only way I am going to make it.
Because of Him, today was actually a great day. I unplugged everything. The children and I went back to our daily chores. We sat on the floor for two hours and did school together, all of us. It was heavenly. The sun shone in through the big window onto our little huddle as we worked through "place value up to one hundred million", learned of the "magic e" and read a variety of books to each other. Then, I went and washed up the kitchen, made a yummy salad for lunch, and watched my little ones gobble up healthy food.
For the first five years of Cora's life, I fought against staying home. I was always looking for work, always feeling inadequate, always discontent in my role as "stay-at-home" mom. I despised myself for being totally unimportant to the world, I wanted more...
Now, as I am desperately searching for an answer to our current financial situation, I realize how content I have become with "just staying home." Today, as I invested my time in my children, the peace that I had lost in the frantic hunt for answers came washing back over me. We fit together. We all have our rhythm. We all have our place. We know how to do this life with me at the helm of the house.
I know the little intricacies of each of my children. I know when they need time alone with me. I know when they need a break from work to go run around and be refreshed before starting again with the mental work. I know when they need a snack or a nap or a cuddle... My children know me and I know them. They had "the best day ever," simply because I was being a mom... and not trying to fix the money stuff...
And I realized, there isn't a thing in this world that I am better at doing! I can get healthy food into my children, they get excited about brussle sprouts! I can teach a 1st and 3rd grader while keeping a 4 and 2 year old occupied... I can watch my 3rd grader excel at 4th grade math and 4th grade English. I can encourage my 1st grade struggling reader, teach him a few tricks, and watch his whole face light up when he gets it and reading becomes fun again! I can give them hope. I can give them peace. I can give them stable... I can point them to the God who loves and provides and sustains...
But I can't pay the stupid bills.
I mean, I can for two months... but then...
I don't know what God is doing. I do know that entering the field of counseling is the only thing that even remotely appeals to me at this point in life. I would rather sit across from someone who is broken and offer them hope than sift through a sea of grammatical errors and be on some crazy deadline. I look into the workforce and everything is so... INSANE... everyone moves so fast! Every job seems to be ordered so that it must follow you home and take up every moment of precious family time... THIS IS NOT THE WAY LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE!! Where have I gone wrong?
I probably will have to move in with family... and even then, I will have to find work and leave this blessed peace of pouring love and stability into needy little hearts...
I just hope and pray that the house will sell. That would change everything. But it hasn't. And I have to deal with the fact that it may not... nothing is for certain and I feel like there is more that will be lost because of the ridiculous addiction...
Have you ever been in the place where you have only two months of savings left? Have you ever been in the place where you look out and the future could go 100 different ways and you have no idea where you are headed? How do you prepare for the next step when every next move hinges on something happening and nothing seems to be happening?
I trust God. I totally trust God. I know He is bringing me to a place where I have to say, "I fully and completely believe You are in control and I have no control over any of this." I know that He has looked at me and said, "Watch me work."
But I am full of weakness.
I am full of worry.
I know I need to turn that worry to prayer, and I do. Lord, forgive me in my weakness, when You have already proven so much.
But it is hard not to look at the facts and mentally beat myself up, "If you hadn't moved into the rental, you wouldn't be looking at a mortgage and a rental payment every month. If you had just stayed put back in February, you wouldn't have two electric bills either. Maybe you would have been able to save more of what Caleb made that way too..."
But I know in my heart that Caleb would not be ready to spend the year in rehab if we had lived together all summer. I know that the reality of separation from his family was what brought him to the place of surrender. I know it was right, I know God was in it.
If He was in it then, how could He not be in it now?
I worked to control so many things while living with Caleb in his addiction. I hid money for our bills because otherwise it would just disappear... I enabled plenty in the name of having "control" over the situation... But really, I was never in control. I see that now.
There have been people who have stepped up and committed to buying Christmas presents for my children. I cried. I had told the children that God was their Father and He was taking care of us. But the very next day, I explained to them that there would be no money for Christmas this year. They were adorably understanding and sweet about it.
Cora bought me a book, back in May, when she got her birthday money. She has kept it hidden in her room, since May! She was so proud to say, "but Mommy, at least YOU will get ONE present." Oh my heart. Her love language is presents. Any time we go to a friend's house, she brings along a present for each of the children. Usually it is something she has created. And then, out of no where, someone I have never met says they heard my story and their church group would like to adopt my children and get them a few presents. Their joy at getting even one gift for Christmas... I am so grateful, humbled, amazed. God provided in advance...
God is in this. And He really cares about every detail.
I know I have pride, I know I have control issues, I know I have anxiety issues... I know He is using this to teach me many hard lessons...
And I say, I NEED A BREAK FROM THE HARD LESSONS, PLEASE!!
And back through the chaos of my swirling, worried mind comes a small twinkling chuckle and a small still voice, "Then take one. You have two months. Stop trying to find the answers. Rest in Me. Love your children. Eat. Sleep. And watch Me work this out for your good."
And I want to, oh I want to rest... but maybe I really just don't know how. I guess I did for about three hours this morning... that's a start...
Anyone who has been following is probably pretty tired of hearing about it all.
I know I'm tired of trying to figure it out!!
I have applied for jobs.
No word back.
I have sat up into the wee hours of the morning trying to work out: "What do we do if the house doesn't sell?"
"Where would be the best place to go?"
"How will we get there?"
"What are the other options?"
"What else can I sell? (Or try to sell)?"
"What work could I do from home?"
I worked for days organizing a sale... and it snowed... and very few things sold...
I am not qualified for any job because I have stayed home with these children...
I have tried getting work online editing, but that market is pretty crowded and full of scams.
I have tried so many things.
Nothing is working out.
I am currently working with my mother to get a business off the ground for her, but it is just a hobby business... and it is going to be months before it is ready for the world.
I am digging deep inside myself, but coming up empty empty empty. I know I MUST look to the One who sustains. That is really the only way I am going to make it.
Because of Him, today was actually a great day. I unplugged everything. The children and I went back to our daily chores. We sat on the floor for two hours and did school together, all of us. It was heavenly. The sun shone in through the big window onto our little huddle as we worked through "place value up to one hundred million", learned of the "magic e" and read a variety of books to each other. Then, I went and washed up the kitchen, made a yummy salad for lunch, and watched my little ones gobble up healthy food.
For the first five years of Cora's life, I fought against staying home. I was always looking for work, always feeling inadequate, always discontent in my role as "stay-at-home" mom. I despised myself for being totally unimportant to the world, I wanted more...
Now, as I am desperately searching for an answer to our current financial situation, I realize how content I have become with "just staying home." Today, as I invested my time in my children, the peace that I had lost in the frantic hunt for answers came washing back over me. We fit together. We all have our rhythm. We all have our place. We know how to do this life with me at the helm of the house.
I know the little intricacies of each of my children. I know when they need time alone with me. I know when they need a break from work to go run around and be refreshed before starting again with the mental work. I know when they need a snack or a nap or a cuddle... My children know me and I know them. They had "the best day ever," simply because I was being a mom... and not trying to fix the money stuff...
And I realized, there isn't a thing in this world that I am better at doing! I can get healthy food into my children, they get excited about brussle sprouts! I can teach a 1st and 3rd grader while keeping a 4 and 2 year old occupied... I can watch my 3rd grader excel at 4th grade math and 4th grade English. I can encourage my 1st grade struggling reader, teach him a few tricks, and watch his whole face light up when he gets it and reading becomes fun again! I can give them hope. I can give them peace. I can give them stable... I can point them to the God who loves and provides and sustains...
But I can't pay the stupid bills.
I mean, I can for two months... but then...
I don't know what God is doing. I do know that entering the field of counseling is the only thing that even remotely appeals to me at this point in life. I would rather sit across from someone who is broken and offer them hope than sift through a sea of grammatical errors and be on some crazy deadline. I look into the workforce and everything is so... INSANE... everyone moves so fast! Every job seems to be ordered so that it must follow you home and take up every moment of precious family time... THIS IS NOT THE WAY LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE!! Where have I gone wrong?
I probably will have to move in with family... and even then, I will have to find work and leave this blessed peace of pouring love and stability into needy little hearts...
I just hope and pray that the house will sell. That would change everything. But it hasn't. And I have to deal with the fact that it may not... nothing is for certain and I feel like there is more that will be lost because of the ridiculous addiction...
Have you ever been in the place where you have only two months of savings left? Have you ever been in the place where you look out and the future could go 100 different ways and you have no idea where you are headed? How do you prepare for the next step when every next move hinges on something happening and nothing seems to be happening?
I trust God. I totally trust God. I know He is bringing me to a place where I have to say, "I fully and completely believe You are in control and I have no control over any of this." I know that He has looked at me and said, "Watch me work."
But I am full of weakness.
I am full of worry.
I know I need to turn that worry to prayer, and I do. Lord, forgive me in my weakness, when You have already proven so much.
But it is hard not to look at the facts and mentally beat myself up, "If you hadn't moved into the rental, you wouldn't be looking at a mortgage and a rental payment every month. If you had just stayed put back in February, you wouldn't have two electric bills either. Maybe you would have been able to save more of what Caleb made that way too..."
But I know in my heart that Caleb would not be ready to spend the year in rehab if we had lived together all summer. I know that the reality of separation from his family was what brought him to the place of surrender. I know it was right, I know God was in it.
If He was in it then, how could He not be in it now?
I worked to control so many things while living with Caleb in his addiction. I hid money for our bills because otherwise it would just disappear... I enabled plenty in the name of having "control" over the situation... But really, I was never in control. I see that now.
There have been people who have stepped up and committed to buying Christmas presents for my children. I cried. I had told the children that God was their Father and He was taking care of us. But the very next day, I explained to them that there would be no money for Christmas this year. They were adorably understanding and sweet about it.
Cora bought me a book, back in May, when she got her birthday money. She has kept it hidden in her room, since May! She was so proud to say, "but Mommy, at least YOU will get ONE present." Oh my heart. Her love language is presents. Any time we go to a friend's house, she brings along a present for each of the children. Usually it is something she has created. And then, out of no where, someone I have never met says they heard my story and their church group would like to adopt my children and get them a few presents. Their joy at getting even one gift for Christmas... I am so grateful, humbled, amazed. God provided in advance...
God is in this. And He really cares about every detail.
I know I have pride, I know I have control issues, I know I have anxiety issues... I know He is using this to teach me many hard lessons...
And I say, I NEED A BREAK FROM THE HARD LESSONS, PLEASE!!
And back through the chaos of my swirling, worried mind comes a small twinkling chuckle and a small still voice, "Then take one. You have two months. Stop trying to find the answers. Rest in Me. Love your children. Eat. Sleep. And watch Me work this out for your good."
And I want to, oh I want to rest... but maybe I really just don't know how. I guess I did for about three hours this morning... that's a start...
Monday, October 27, 2014
Finishing Strong
There is a book that Caleb loves.
He wanted to pack it to take to rehab with him.
I almost didn't put it in the suitcase.
My thinking was, "you've been reading this book for the past five years. If it was helpful, maybe you wouldn't be on your way back to rehab!" I held it in my hand. Then turned it over and over, the well loved pages sliding across my fingers as it flipped. I placed it on the pile, hating it because it is the only book he would pick up and read, but it was useless, in my opinion. If there was any authority in it, he would be free!
I closed the suitcase and forgot about the book.
Then I got a letter.
It said, "As I was reading, the author shared the poem about a boy running a race that he most desperately wanted to win. But the boy fell down, not just once, but three times. On that third time he lay there and tears began to run down his cheeks, and then he could hear his father's voice telling him to get up and finish the race. So he got up the third time and made it to the finish line feeling sad and like he had let his father down. But his father tells his son "you're not a loser, you're a winner to me, and it doesn't matter how many times you fall but how many times you get back up."
Caleb finished the letter with this, "I have fallen so many times, Lindsay. I don't want to fall anymore."
*Tears*
I understand why he likes that book.
And then, this Saturday, I got the most encouraging letter of all. I would quote it, but I let Caleb's mom read it, and she wanted to keep it for a bit. It was that good.
Essentially it said, last Monday he was ready to leave. He didn't care how cold it was or how far he had to walk. He was ready to give up. He had spent the day doing factory work and was just bitter and complaining the whole day.
Then, after dinner, they had an optional time of music.
He went, because he loves music and wanted to hear it any chance he got.
While he was in the gym for it, there was a verse on the wall: James 4:10 "Humble yourselves in the site of the Lord and He will lift you up."
Caleb said he had a breakdown. He cried. He was humbled. He said, in that moment, something changed in him, and nothing has been the same since.
He said the next day he did the same work in the same factory, but he was joyful! He said he was singing hymns and just happy to be alive.
The letter was amazing. It was exciting.
I know a year will be a long time to figure out for us out here, but it is worth any sacrifice to know that Christ is breaking through and healing and setting Caleb free.
Please pray that the strongholds continue to be torn down.
Praise God with me over this exciting new birth of faith inside of Caleb.
And pray with me for this yard sale on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
I am overwhelmed.
But I know what I do is not done in vain.
Thanks be to God for His indescribable gifts!!
He wanted to pack it to take to rehab with him.
I almost didn't put it in the suitcase.
My thinking was, "you've been reading this book for the past five years. If it was helpful, maybe you wouldn't be on your way back to rehab!" I held it in my hand. Then turned it over and over, the well loved pages sliding across my fingers as it flipped. I placed it on the pile, hating it because it is the only book he would pick up and read, but it was useless, in my opinion. If there was any authority in it, he would be free!
I closed the suitcase and forgot about the book.
Then I got a letter.
It said, "As I was reading, the author shared the poem about a boy running a race that he most desperately wanted to win. But the boy fell down, not just once, but three times. On that third time he lay there and tears began to run down his cheeks, and then he could hear his father's voice telling him to get up and finish the race. So he got up the third time and made it to the finish line feeling sad and like he had let his father down. But his father tells his son "you're not a loser, you're a winner to me, and it doesn't matter how many times you fall but how many times you get back up."
Caleb finished the letter with this, "I have fallen so many times, Lindsay. I don't want to fall anymore."
*Tears*
I understand why he likes that book.
And then, this Saturday, I got the most encouraging letter of all. I would quote it, but I let Caleb's mom read it, and she wanted to keep it for a bit. It was that good.
Essentially it said, last Monday he was ready to leave. He didn't care how cold it was or how far he had to walk. He was ready to give up. He had spent the day doing factory work and was just bitter and complaining the whole day.
Then, after dinner, they had an optional time of music.
He went, because he loves music and wanted to hear it any chance he got.
While he was in the gym for it, there was a verse on the wall: James 4:10 "Humble yourselves in the site of the Lord and He will lift you up."
Caleb said he had a breakdown. He cried. He was humbled. He said, in that moment, something changed in him, and nothing has been the same since.
He said the next day he did the same work in the same factory, but he was joyful! He said he was singing hymns and just happy to be alive.
The letter was amazing. It was exciting.
I know a year will be a long time to figure out for us out here, but it is worth any sacrifice to know that Christ is breaking through and healing and setting Caleb free.
Please pray that the strongholds continue to be torn down.
Praise God with me over this exciting new birth of faith inside of Caleb.
And pray with me for this yard sale on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
I am overwhelmed.
But I know what I do is not done in vain.
Thanks be to God for His indescribable gifts!!
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
A New Normal
There is a box at the top of my screen indicating that I can choose a "normal" font.
Normal.
Say normal out loud twenty times... That is about as coherent as my normal is...
Caleb was delivered safely to Teen Challenge. In fact, the next day, I dropped off one of his friends to his own rehab, The Refuge, as well. I am now a skilled rehab transit service...
In other news,
The day before Caleb went in, we signed with a realtor to sell our house.
A realtor who knows Caleb's story and has a pain of his own. We talked for a while.
Our house will be listed soon, the realtor is taking pictures tomorrow evening.
I spent today working over there, cleaning, shining, vacuuming a few stray spider webs... And praying praying praying. It will take exactly the right person to want that house.
I know God is big enough to bring them along, if that is His will.
I will be cleaning over there again tomorrow, there is still plenty to be done before the pictures in the evening... Pray I will have strength and stamina and the children will be happy coloring and playing quietly. I already know that E will want me to hold her all day. But I just can't and so she holds my legs and we limp along cleaning and scrubbing and prepping the house in case someone wants to look at it.
There is great sadness that Daddy is gone again for an amount of time no child can wrap their mind around.
There is great relief that Daddy is somewhere safe and now at least there won't be any further messes made.
There is great anticipation for the house to sell, and soon. It has a nice wood burner... It would be a great winter house....
There is also comfort, knowing God is here and His presence is made known in many little ways throughout the day. My mother in law gave me a big hug today. For years there was pain between us, but today, she mentioned how far we had come since the beginning of our relationship. It is nothing short of miraculous. God does bring about restoration.
I was able to say with confidence today, that I am honestly not bitter about the way life has unfolded. I still grieve, but I am grateful for the closeness I have felt to God, Abba, our Provider.
I have learned a Love I never would have needed to know otherwise.
I am grateful for the path because it has carried me to an understanding of Christ, and an understanding of how i fit into His narrative.
There is also excitement!! I have received a total of $884.16 toward Tuition for seminary!! I also have a babysitter for Thursday evening all lined up and excited, AND even a back up babysitter if that one falls through. I have so many dreams for how I can use a Biblical counseling degree to speak hope into the lives of people who are stuck where I was stuck, thinking that addiction is a hopeless life-sucking death sentence for the addict and the ones who love the addict...
I already own the Celebrate Recovery books and starter kit. I would love to see a Celebrate Recovery come to this area. I have tried twice before to get one started, but obviously I needed to be farther along in my journey. This degree will help so much with creating a healthy, balanced ministry!!!
I'm SO EXCITED. Honestly, I have no idea how or where everything will fall together for me to return to school. But I never expected to raise that much in one week, I have been so humbled and overwhelmed by the generosity already displayed. If you have donated or have been praying, you are in this with me and it means everything to me to have an army walking this path.
Let me tell you, it isn't easy to stay married to a question mark... It but as I keep telling the children, while Daddy is away, God is their father, God is our provider, God is big enough to carry us through this journey.
After the meeting Thursday, I will know a bit more about my other opportunities to raise funds without having to beg (hopefully!!).
There are some intense messes that Caleb has a left behind as he goes into this time in rehab. But I am grateful that those don't define me, I am grateful God has surrounded me with prayers to know that though the enemy seeks my destruction, and my family's destruction, God is offering us a hope and a future. I am grateful for the clarity of thought and strength of mind God has given me in talking to the children about these changes.
Normal will most likely never be my experience, but then again, what is normal? I had four babies with a midwife. Her life's calling is to pack up and go when a mom is in labor, her sleep schedule has never been "normal". But she is a wonderful, Godly woman and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else praying beside my bed as my babies were coming into this world. I guess getting used to the fact that perfect Kingdom work isn't 9-5 mon-fri has been a long journey for me. There is no perfect schedule, no perfect way to order life so that all is done admirably. At least not when it comes to Kingdom work...
One of the people who provided financial support for me is actually a midwife, one I have yet to meet. But she knows Caleb's family. She emailed me and said this was "seed money" for the work that BOTH Caleb and I will be doing as God unfolds His purpose.
What a happy thought.
If you need the link to the tuition fund raiser, here it is again... Though I'm trying not to be obnoxious about it, I am so grateful for what has already been received.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Normal.
Say normal out loud twenty times... That is about as coherent as my normal is...
Caleb was delivered safely to Teen Challenge. In fact, the next day, I dropped off one of his friends to his own rehab, The Refuge, as well. I am now a skilled rehab transit service...
In other news,
The day before Caleb went in, we signed with a realtor to sell our house.
A realtor who knows Caleb's story and has a pain of his own. We talked for a while.
Our house will be listed soon, the realtor is taking pictures tomorrow evening.
I spent today working over there, cleaning, shining, vacuuming a few stray spider webs... And praying praying praying. It will take exactly the right person to want that house.
I know God is big enough to bring them along, if that is His will.
I will be cleaning over there again tomorrow, there is still plenty to be done before the pictures in the evening... Pray I will have strength and stamina and the children will be happy coloring and playing quietly. I already know that E will want me to hold her all day. But I just can't and so she holds my legs and we limp along cleaning and scrubbing and prepping the house in case someone wants to look at it.
There is great sadness that Daddy is gone again for an amount of time no child can wrap their mind around.
There is great relief that Daddy is somewhere safe and now at least there won't be any further messes made.
There is great anticipation for the house to sell, and soon. It has a nice wood burner... It would be a great winter house....
There is also comfort, knowing God is here and His presence is made known in many little ways throughout the day. My mother in law gave me a big hug today. For years there was pain between us, but today, she mentioned how far we had come since the beginning of our relationship. It is nothing short of miraculous. God does bring about restoration.
I was able to say with confidence today, that I am honestly not bitter about the way life has unfolded. I still grieve, but I am grateful for the closeness I have felt to God, Abba, our Provider.
I have learned a Love I never would have needed to know otherwise.
I am grateful for the path because it has carried me to an understanding of Christ, and an understanding of how i fit into His narrative.
There is also excitement!! I have received a total of $884.16 toward Tuition for seminary!! I also have a babysitter for Thursday evening all lined up and excited, AND even a back up babysitter if that one falls through. I have so many dreams for how I can use a Biblical counseling degree to speak hope into the lives of people who are stuck where I was stuck, thinking that addiction is a hopeless life-sucking death sentence for the addict and the ones who love the addict...
I already own the Celebrate Recovery books and starter kit. I would love to see a Celebrate Recovery come to this area. I have tried twice before to get one started, but obviously I needed to be farther along in my journey. This degree will help so much with creating a healthy, balanced ministry!!!
I'm SO EXCITED. Honestly, I have no idea how or where everything will fall together for me to return to school. But I never expected to raise that much in one week, I have been so humbled and overwhelmed by the generosity already displayed. If you have donated or have been praying, you are in this with me and it means everything to me to have an army walking this path.
Let me tell you, it isn't easy to stay married to a question mark... It but as I keep telling the children, while Daddy is away, God is their father, God is our provider, God is big enough to carry us through this journey.
After the meeting Thursday, I will know a bit more about my other opportunities to raise funds without having to beg (hopefully!!).
There are some intense messes that Caleb has a left behind as he goes into this time in rehab. But I am grateful that those don't define me, I am grateful God has surrounded me with prayers to know that though the enemy seeks my destruction, and my family's destruction, God is offering us a hope and a future. I am grateful for the clarity of thought and strength of mind God has given me in talking to the children about these changes.
Normal will most likely never be my experience, but then again, what is normal? I had four babies with a midwife. Her life's calling is to pack up and go when a mom is in labor, her sleep schedule has never been "normal". But she is a wonderful, Godly woman and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else praying beside my bed as my babies were coming into this world. I guess getting used to the fact that perfect Kingdom work isn't 9-5 mon-fri has been a long journey for me. There is no perfect schedule, no perfect way to order life so that all is done admirably. At least not when it comes to Kingdom work...
One of the people who provided financial support for me is actually a midwife, one I have yet to meet. But she knows Caleb's family. She emailed me and said this was "seed money" for the work that BOTH Caleb and I will be doing as God unfolds His purpose.
What a happy thought.
If you need the link to the tuition fund raiser, here it is again... Though I'm trying not to be obnoxious about it, I am so grateful for what has already been received.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
A Hope and a Future
Tuesday the 7th of October was our divorce date.
Seven days prior to that date, our divorce was canceled, because Caleb agreed to go back to Teen Challenge for as long as it takes. He sealed his dedication by putting the house on the market and putting his truck for sale to pay off debts he made... Hopefully everything sells and everyone he has done work for pays their invoices... But we have enough for bills, currently, and I am at peace about resting in God for all of our needs. I was even able to pay rent a month in advance this month.
It is another twist in the road, but the end goal is restoration. I do hope and pray he makes it... I don't want to be divorced, and he will forever be the father of these babies, so... Another chance.
As long as he is willing to work, I am willing to wait.
That said, due to the uncertainty there, I have been looking into getting my master's...
I was for a while,
Then I went to a CCEF conference and received the whispered call to counseling.
I have thought about it off and on for the past two years, but always thought it was a "someday" thing.
Now that life has taken another turn, I do feel that it is time to take this step.
Caleb will be writing me letters from Teen Challenge because he would like to finish telling his story, so that will be appearing periodically on the blog now.
Please pray with me as I step into the future. I would love to start my masters as soon as possible... But realistically, it will probably be next fall.
Pray with me that I concentrate on what is important while, at the same time, realistically preparing for the future. I would love to have a steady career that can help others as well as pay the bills if Caleb can't.
Thanks for your prayers in this journey.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Seven days prior to that date, our divorce was canceled, because Caleb agreed to go back to Teen Challenge for as long as it takes. He sealed his dedication by putting the house on the market and putting his truck for sale to pay off debts he made... Hopefully everything sells and everyone he has done work for pays their invoices... But we have enough for bills, currently, and I am at peace about resting in God for all of our needs. I was even able to pay rent a month in advance this month.
It is another twist in the road, but the end goal is restoration. I do hope and pray he makes it... I don't want to be divorced, and he will forever be the father of these babies, so... Another chance.
As long as he is willing to work, I am willing to wait.
That said, due to the uncertainty there, I have been looking into getting my master's...
I was for a while,
Then I went to a CCEF conference and received the whispered call to counseling.
I have thought about it off and on for the past two years, but always thought it was a "someday" thing.
Now that life has taken another turn, I do feel that it is time to take this step.
Caleb will be writing me letters from Teen Challenge because he would like to finish telling his story, so that will be appearing periodically on the blog now.
Please pray with me as I step into the future. I would love to start my masters as soon as possible... But realistically, it will probably be next fall.
Pray with me that I concentrate on what is important while, at the same time, realistically preparing for the future. I would love to have a steady career that can help others as well as pay the bills if Caleb can't.
Thanks for your prayers in this journey.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Be Thou My Vision
There are no words to capture the day's delight.
It was a room filled with friends, gathered to simply share life.
Sorrow was there, confusion, pain, frustration... and no one was afraid to tell their story; to offer it up, vulnerable, out to a group who has made the promise to help carry the impossible weight of life. And these people do. They carry each other. They have carried me.
But there were also the grateful praises of those who had been in the fire, yet have now made it through, made it to joy and peace and happiness... We were all sharing in the delights of the people who's sorrow had turned to dancing as they happily shared their victories, and they poured warm hope into the cozy circle.
Then, the pain was mentioned. A pain larger than life, a pain no mother should bear, and we gathered around to pray. We were not there to figure it out, to argue the right or wrong, or to prove that there is a God even though there is crazy pain in the world...
We were there to believe in the God of the Universe and invite Him to heal, comfort, and sustain.
And in our midst, He was made known. There was not a dry eye in the room. His power was felt mightily. His promises were poured out and every lie was washed clean away.
For that moment, in that room, He was our vision and what we saw was impossible to explain. It was more a "felt" than a saw, more an experience than a vision. But it was all of us knit together in love. We were not merely bodies, our souls were showing... a brightness that changed the whole room...
And we paused to quietly thank Him. We bowed our heads and made no sound. Into my mind came only one thought, the words of a song.
"Be Thou My Vision."
The room was silent.
I tried to remember all the words and wrestled a bit, "I can't start a song if I can't remember the words!"
The room was still silent.
"Be Thou My Vision."
"But what are the words!? If You want me to sing, give me the words." I couldn't think of them, my hands began to sweat. I couldn't wait, the song was there but I couldn't find the words.
I began. Slowly, somber, fearful to begin something I knew I couldn't finish alone...
"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art"
I faded out.
I could remember no more.
But the song had been picked up by the others. All the others in the room took hold and carried the song right past the part I didn't have...
"Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light"
And then, with strength and delight in the sound of our voices working together, we sang out in harmony,
"Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou art"
It was a spontaneous expression of a group of people with one thing in common: Christ's in-dwelling Spirit.
It was incredible.
I wanted to just sit there and soak it in. No words, maybe more singing.
It was beyond description. It was safety. It was love. It was unity. It was devotion. It was beauty. It was perfect peace. It wasn't something that could ever be recreated. It was a gift from a God who knew each of us was longing for just a touch of His presence. And it was enough.
Then off to our separate lives we went because children needed fed and naps needed taken...
But the experience was still living in every breath we took... when Heaven touches earth, we all walk away changed.
Nothing changed in that Awkward Hallway today. But now, everything is different.
Maybe it is just being offered a different vision, a different perspective, an eternal perspective where God's presence really does shed light into all the darkness and we find the True Treasure, our Inheritance, then we are set free to giddily enjoy it.
It was no accident that we sang that song..
And it was no accident I wasn't able to, in myself, find all the words to sing alone. Oh glorious day.
Eph 1:11 "Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to His plan."
And amen.
It was a room filled with friends, gathered to simply share life.
Sorrow was there, confusion, pain, frustration... and no one was afraid to tell their story; to offer it up, vulnerable, out to a group who has made the promise to help carry the impossible weight of life. And these people do. They carry each other. They have carried me.
But there were also the grateful praises of those who had been in the fire, yet have now made it through, made it to joy and peace and happiness... We were all sharing in the delights of the people who's sorrow had turned to dancing as they happily shared their victories, and they poured warm hope into the cozy circle.
Then, the pain was mentioned. A pain larger than life, a pain no mother should bear, and we gathered around to pray. We were not there to figure it out, to argue the right or wrong, or to prove that there is a God even though there is crazy pain in the world...
We were there to believe in the God of the Universe and invite Him to heal, comfort, and sustain.
And in our midst, He was made known. There was not a dry eye in the room. His power was felt mightily. His promises were poured out and every lie was washed clean away.
For that moment, in that room, He was our vision and what we saw was impossible to explain. It was more a "felt" than a saw, more an experience than a vision. But it was all of us knit together in love. We were not merely bodies, our souls were showing... a brightness that changed the whole room...
And we paused to quietly thank Him. We bowed our heads and made no sound. Into my mind came only one thought, the words of a song.
"Be Thou My Vision."
The room was silent.
I tried to remember all the words and wrestled a bit, "I can't start a song if I can't remember the words!"
The room was still silent.
"Be Thou My Vision."
"But what are the words!? If You want me to sing, give me the words." I couldn't think of them, my hands began to sweat. I couldn't wait, the song was there but I couldn't find the words.
I began. Slowly, somber, fearful to begin something I knew I couldn't finish alone...
"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art"
I faded out.
I could remember no more.
But the song had been picked up by the others. All the others in the room took hold and carried the song right past the part I didn't have...
"Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light"
And then, with strength and delight in the sound of our voices working together, we sang out in harmony,
"Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou art"
It was a spontaneous expression of a group of people with one thing in common: Christ's in-dwelling Spirit.
It was incredible.
I wanted to just sit there and soak it in. No words, maybe more singing.
It was beyond description. It was safety. It was love. It was unity. It was devotion. It was beauty. It was perfect peace. It wasn't something that could ever be recreated. It was a gift from a God who knew each of us was longing for just a touch of His presence. And it was enough.
Then off to our separate lives we went because children needed fed and naps needed taken...
But the experience was still living in every breath we took... when Heaven touches earth, we all walk away changed.
Nothing changed in that Awkward Hallway today. But now, everything is different.
Maybe it is just being offered a different vision, a different perspective, an eternal perspective where God's presence really does shed light into all the darkness and we find the True Treasure, our Inheritance, then we are set free to giddily enjoy it.
It was no accident that we sang that song..
And it was no accident I wasn't able to, in myself, find all the words to sing alone. Oh glorious day.
Eph 1:11 "Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to His plan."
And amen.
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