The Invisible Call, the Irresistible Draw...

Tonight, the children and I studied Biblical passages that talk about how we serve an invisible God.
To them, it was perfectly normal, they don't question it... The wind howled outside and Cora very matter-of-factly told her brothers, "just like that wind, we don't see it, but look at the trees! And you can hear it, just like God."
After a wonderful evening of devotions (a welcome addition to our evenings since I am not the only one around who can wash dishes and clean up from dinner...), I got the children tucked away in bed and sat down to read about Hudson Taylor.
Honestly, I would have never picked this book, but it picked me. Or rather, our invisible God chose for me to read it.  Without further tangents, I will tell you how this book fell into, well, was placed into my hands:
We were flying home from San Diego, from that conference where I had received that distinct call to Biblical Counseling...
Setting: on a plane, ha.
Caleb and I had a very tight connection and when we landed, we were sitting on the runway, without a gate to pull into.  Things were getting stressful.

The Cattle on a Thousand Hills

Everything that I was hoping to make at a garage sale, but didn't... I have now been gifted by a complete stranger! I don't know where the gifter found my story, but $300 was deposited in my paypal account!  The note said simply, "God bless you for the sacrifices you've made to be a full-time mother. I will pray for your situation."
I am humbled, speachless, and more keenly aware than ever of the vast power of the Mighty God we serve. Caleb's truck sold and I wrote a tithe check on Sunday for the tithe on the truck and the amount that came in from the garage sale... I will admit, writing that tithe check was a bit of a battle. "But this is all I have, for the year. This is my guaranteed money, it is here, nothing else is working out! Once this is gone, I have nothing... Surely God wants me to save this tithe for my children for the year... So that we make it 11 more months... To make sure we don't have to go asking people for money, I mean, either God provides it now or later... Why not just hold on to it..." It was a battle in my head. But I wrote the check. It was so hard. It shouldn't have been so hard to give that 10%.
The rest of Sunday I spent agonizing over the numbers. I wrote them out for my mom... She said, "well, looks like something only God can work out."
Monday I plotted and planned... But that was the last blog post, you read it. You don't need to read it again here!
So, after I blogged last night, I checked Facebook. There was a message that I had somehow missed from a stranger. Simply offering support. At first I was a bit rude, I mean, I always default to something being a scam... But it was just someone moved to help from far away. They said, "paypal is easy and essentially anonymous." And the amount of the gift, I stand in awe at the generosity and just...
My list of miracles grows by the day, how can I get so discouraged and distraught?!
If God had delivered Caleb safely to rehab, and not given me a hope-filled calling to counseling, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had given me the hope-filled calling to counseling and not provided nearly $900 for school savings (in one week), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, encouragement, support for my calling, but not brought Caleb to a place of new-Spirit-birth, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had brought Caleb's broken spirit back to life, but not sold the truck the day before the due date  came (for many of the bills, sitting on the piano, that I had laid hands on and prayed over because I didn't have the money to pay them all), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, at the last minute, for the pile of bills, but not provided Christmas-present-purchasers for the children, Dayenu, it truly would have been enough.
If He had provided (a Christmas tree) and presents for the children, but not given anything else via a kindhearted stranger, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided a financial gift, but not also provided a gift of heavenly music to calm and soothe my spirit, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
God has met every need. Needs I hadn't even voiced yet, like "where will we stay on Caleb's 8 hour visitation day (when the visit starts at 1pm)..." A thought I was thinking yesterday, and today got a call about someone who lives near to where he is and would like to offer their home if we need it for anything!!
Oh to simply mediate on Dayenu, on those days when the father of lies is feeding me full of worry and fear.... Oh to look at that huge list I made, that doesn't even begin to cover all the miracles that have happened, just in this past month alone!!
A conference about Loss right before rehab...
A community that rose up and bought a bunch of unneeded furniture on the "Facebook sale." Guidance when I am rushing things or possibly missteping. Women of faith to have adult conversations with when my heart is lonely and my spirit is parched. All of its, and so much more. I am so grateful.  Beyond humbled. And repent of my lack of faith, my lack of trust, and my worry.
He who started a good work will be faithful to complete it.
Is faithful.
I do not want to forget. Dayenu.
I've never wanted a tattoo... But Dayenu... I want to remember, every day, all He has already done would already be enough... But his mercies are new every morning.
Behold, He is making all things new.

Finding Me...

The stress and pressure of our current financial situation has nearly crushed me a number of times over the past month.
Anyone who has been following is probably pretty tired of hearing about it all.
I know I'm tired of trying to figure it out!!
I have applied for jobs.
No word back.
I have sat up into the wee hours of the morning trying to work out: "What do we do if the house doesn't sell?"
"Where would be the best place to go?"
"How will we get there?"
"What are the other options?"
"What else can I sell? (Or try to sell)?"
"What work could I do from home?"
I worked for days organizing a sale... and it snowed... and very few things sold...
I am not qualified for any job because I have stayed home with these children...
I have tried getting work online editing, but that market is pretty crowded and full of scams.
I have tried so many things.
Nothing is working out.
I am currently working with my mother to get a business off the ground for her, but it is just a hobby business... and it is going to be months before it is ready for the world.
I am digging deep inside myself, but coming up empty empty empty.  I know I MUST look to the One who sustains. That is really the only way I am going to make it.
Because of Him, today was actually a great day.  I unplugged everything.  The children and I went back to our daily chores.  We sat on the floor for two hours and did school together, all of us. It was heavenly.  The sun shone in through the big window onto our little huddle as we worked through "place value up to one hundred million", learned of the "magic e" and read a variety of books to each other.  Then, I went and washed up the kitchen, made a yummy salad for lunch, and watched my little ones gobble up healthy food.
For the first five years of Cora's life, I fought against staying home.  I was always looking for work, always feeling inadequate, always discontent in my role as "stay-at-home" mom.  I despised myself for being totally unimportant to the world, I wanted more...
Now, as I am desperately searching for an answer to our current financial situation, I realize how content I have become with "just staying home." Today, as I invested my time in my children, the peace that I had lost in the frantic hunt for answers came washing back over me.  We fit together.  We all have our rhythm.  We all have our place.  We know how to do this life with me at the helm of the house.
I know the little intricacies of each of my children.  I know when they need time alone with me.  I know when they need a break from work to go run around and be refreshed before starting again with the mental work. I know when they need a snack or a nap or a cuddle... My children know me and I know them.  They had "the best day ever," simply because I was being a mom... and not trying to fix the money stuff...
And I realized, there isn't a thing in this world that I am better at doing!  I can get healthy food into my children, they get excited about brussle sprouts!  I can teach a 1st and 3rd grader while keeping a 4 and 2 year old occupied... I can watch my 3rd grader excel at 4th grade math and 4th grade English.  I can encourage my 1st grade struggling reader, teach him a few tricks, and watch his whole face light up when he gets it and reading becomes fun again!  I can give them hope.  I can give them peace. I can give them stable...  I can point them to the God who loves and provides and sustains...
But I can't pay the stupid bills.
I mean, I can for two months... but then...
I don't know what God is doing.  I do know that entering the field of counseling is the only thing that even remotely appeals to me at this point in life.  I would rather sit across from someone who is broken and offer them hope than sift through a sea of grammatical errors and be on some crazy deadline. I look into the workforce and everything is so... INSANE... everyone moves so fast!  Every job seems to be ordered so that it must follow you home and take up every moment of precious family time... THIS IS NOT THE WAY LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE!! Where have I gone wrong?

I probably will have to move in with family... and even then, I will have to find work and leave this blessed peace of pouring love and stability into needy little hearts...
I just hope and pray that the house will sell.  That would change everything.  But it hasn't.  And I have to deal with the fact that it may not... nothing is for certain and I feel like there is more that will be lost because of the ridiculous addiction...
Have you ever been in the place where you have only two months of savings left?  Have you ever been in the place where you look out and the future could go 100 different ways and you have no idea where you are headed?  How do you prepare for the next step when every next move hinges on something happening and nothing seems to be happening?
I trust God.  I totally trust God.  I know He is bringing me to a place where I have to say, "I fully and completely believe You are in control and I have no control over any of this."  I know that He has looked at me and said, "Watch me work."
But I am full of weakness.
I am full of worry.
I know I need to turn that worry to prayer, and I do.  Lord, forgive me in my weakness, when You have already proven so much.
But it is hard not to look at the facts and mentally beat myself up, "If you hadn't moved into the rental, you wouldn't be looking at a mortgage and a rental payment every month.  If you had just stayed put back in February, you wouldn't have two electric bills either.  Maybe you would have been able to save more of what Caleb made that way too..."
But I know in my heart that Caleb would not be ready to spend the year in rehab if we had lived together all summer.  I know that the reality of separation from his family was what brought him to the place of surrender.  I know it was right, I know God was in it.
If He was in it then, how could He not be in it now?
I worked to control so many things while living with Caleb in his addiction.  I hid money for our bills because otherwise it would just disappear... I enabled plenty in the name of having "control" over the situation...  But really, I was never in control.  I see that now.
There have been people who have stepped up and committed to buying Christmas presents for my children.  I cried.  I had told the children that God was their Father and He was taking care of us.  But the very next day, I explained to them that there would be no money for Christmas this year.  They were adorably understanding and sweet about it. 
Cora bought me a book, back in May, when she got her birthday money.  She has kept it hidden in her room, since May!  She was so proud to say, "but Mommy, at least YOU will get ONE present." Oh my heart. Her love language is presents.  Any time we go to a friend's house, she brings along a present for each of the children.  Usually it is something she has created.  And then, out of no where, someone I have never met says they heard my story and their church group would like to adopt my children and get them a few presents.  Their joy at getting even one gift for Christmas... I am so grateful, humbled, amazed. God provided in advance...
God is in this.  And He really cares about every detail.
I know I have pride, I know I have control issues, I know I have anxiety issues... I know He is using this to teach me many hard lessons...
And I say, I NEED A BREAK FROM THE HARD LESSONS, PLEASE!!
And back through the chaos of my swirling, worried mind comes a small twinkling chuckle and a small still voice, "Then take one. You have two months. Stop trying to find the answers. Rest in Me.  Love your children. Eat. Sleep. And watch Me work this out for your good."
And I want to, oh I want to rest... but maybe I really just don't know how.  I guess I did for about three hours this morning... that's a start...