I don't like boats.
I don't even like the thought of boats.
I have a recurring nightmare about drowning in my van and being unable to get my children out of their seat-belts as the oxygen is slowly replaced in the van with suffocating water.
Yeah, true story.
I don't have the nightmare as often these days, but I have had it since Cora was a baby in her little five-point harness.
I love swimming. Close to shore. Or in a "safe" pool...
But I don't like boats.
When I was little, our family of seven went whale watching. We were poor, but my parents saved up, and took us on a vacation. My dad paid a bunch of money for us to go whale watching, we were supposed to be happy and grateful... but there were four of us girls and we were petrified.
I hated the boat and the water and the knowledge of how impossible it would be to breathe if I went overboard.
My sister was (and to this day is) petrified of whales.
Well, for the longest time we didn't see any whales...
Then, there was a miracle and a whale came up close and started "dancing" beside us.
My younger sister (the one who wasn't afraid of whales) said the whale danced for us.
She had prayed we would see one.
I don't remember the delight in watching a whale dance. I just remember being afraid.
And my mom taught me a song, "When I am afraid, I will trust in Him, I will trust in Him, I will trust in Him." I sang it over and over that day, until my feet were on solid ground. My memory of the trip was white knuckles on a yellow steel railing that separated me from the fathomless deep... and some small glimpses of a whale as everyone cried, "look!" and I took my gaze off the watery grave and glanced at the dance...
That vacation became an epic family memory... however, I felt ashamed that I couldn't concentrate on the beauty of the whale dance, I was too afraid.
I wanted to get rid of that fear, but fear and anxiety have been a companion to me for most of my life.
Last year, I read the book: "The Bondage Breaker." That helped me an incredible amount. I would say that instead of 365 out of 365 days lived in fear and anxiety the previous year, after reading that book, I probably only spent about 200 days stuck... It has been a huge transition, freeing and exciting! I mean, I know it won't get to 365 overnight... The bad days aren't as bad, and there are actually GOOD days now!! :)
Yet, today I found myself lost in the cloud of anxiety.
I was really frustrated. It has been a while since I have been this "stressed out." I have been in mourning. I have been sorrowful over pain and loss... but I have done a lot more "trusting" and a lot less "controlling." Today, as I had trouble even concentrating on menial tasks, I had to sit still, read the Bible, pray... and then get to the root of the issue.
The root is still my self-sufficiency. I have read the awesome book about Hudson Taylor and his faith, his mountain-moving faith, and yet I spin my wheels in the muck and mud because I don't have answers.
As the days and weeks roll on, my biggest struggle is trusting God to provide financially. When things are looking like they are going to sell.. I have great days, when things fall through, I have the worst days, like "incapable of concentrating, pacing the floor in anxiety" kinds of days.
And today I had to realize the depth of my sin, that God is allowing my faith to be tested so that I realize how deeply I worship mammon. How much I still need to give it to Him. Have not all the needs been met? Is He not still the Creator of the Universe? Does He not know my plight? Is He not meeting the most immediate needs in over-abundant ways?
But that broken and sinful part of me is still so intertwined in the world of money.
Sometimes my daughter, who has long, fine hair, gets terrible "rats." When she wakes up, there is a glob of hair that has wound itself around other hair and it is a mess. She makes it worse when she tries to comb it out, sometimes getting the comb stuck, and coming to me in tears. I slowly, ever so slowly, comb out the mess. However, it still hurts, no matter how gentle I am, because it is knotted and takes time and effort to smooth out...
