It is good that the Kickstarter didn't happen.
My story did not end up being the one I always held onto with all my hopeful imagination.
But I trust in the Writer of my story.
I read about Mercy and Justice last night. And I knew I had found the words to end this chapter of my life. This will be my final blog for the budding fig. I don't know what the future holds. But I know Who holds my future.
I haven't ever understood mercy and justice. The just acts of God seemed so harsh to me. But, reading through the book, "The Holiness of God," I finally understand my error. God doesn't "owe" anyone mercy. He can give justice to all, but He doesn't, that is mercy. But we take it for granted. For years, I didn't think anyone should have to "suffer" justice. But, justice is righteous, because God is just, not merely merciful.
I offered Caleb mercy; he took it for granted. I was left with no option but to allow justice to step in and move ahead. Taking advantage of mercy, continuing in destruction, breaks relationship. I didn't want to let that be, I didn't think God would want me to be anything but merciful. But, He released me from the relationship. I hesitated to write about it, because I couldn't find the words, it has been a process. The finality of divorce is my reality, but I no longer suffer at the reality of our brokenness. My identity is not: that divorced woman... I am still known by the One who matters as "Loved and Redeemed."
I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I step into the unknown fully aware that many will not agree with my decision to allow the necessary consequences of relational destruction to take their course. But, God released me. He carried me through the fire, he didn't allow me to be burned by the insane flames, but instead He allowed those terrible flames to burn off the bonds of sin that were keeping me in captivity.
I am a free woman. Free from guilt. Free from the pain of the past. Free to be a servant of Christ and Christ alone.
And the joy, oh, the joy, how can I describe it? Every day is an adventure, two days ago, the children and I went to the park. It started raining, hard. Rather than leave, we played. We got muddy. We delighted in the rain, in each other, in the joy. I laughed so hard my sides hurt. Although it is tragedy when someone does not cooperate with grace, we are not defeated. God continues to sustain us, Manna for every moment, beyond what I could have dreamt up on my own. I don't deserve the amazing gifts He has given over the course of the past few months, but I stand humbled and grateful. The children and I are building a new life, getting reconnected with old friends, and making new ones.
I know God has an amazing plan.
I don't know what it looks like, but I walk forward with a boldness I have never known and a joy that touches everything with a lightness I can't explain.
This 8 year-pain-filled chapter is closed. Finished. But, behold, He is making all things new. And He always keeps His promises.
Amen.
