There is a book that Caleb loves.
He wanted to pack it to take to rehab with him.
I almost didn't put it in the suitcase.
My thinking was, "you've been reading this book for the past five years. If it was helpful, maybe you wouldn't be on your way back to rehab!" I held it in my hand. Then turned it over and over, the well loved pages sliding across my fingers as it flipped. I placed it on the pile, hating it because it is the only book he would pick up and read, but it was useless, in my opinion. If there was any authority in it, he would be free!
I closed the suitcase and forgot about the book.
Then I got a letter.
It said, "As I was reading, the author shared the poem about a boy running a race that he most desperately wanted to win. But the boy fell down, not just once, but three times. On that third time he lay there and tears began to run down his cheeks, and then he could hear his father's voice telling him to get up and finish the race. So he got up the third time and made it to the finish line feeling sad and like he had let his father down. But his father tells his son "you're not a loser, you're a winner to me, and it doesn't matter how many times you fall but how many times you get back up."
Caleb finished the letter with this, "I have fallen so many times, Lindsay. I don't want to fall anymore."
*Tears*
I understand why he likes that book.
And then, this Saturday, I got the most encouraging letter of all. I would quote it, but I let Caleb's mom read it, and she wanted to keep it for a bit. It was that good.
Essentially it said, last Monday he was ready to leave. He didn't care how cold it was or how far he had to walk. He was ready to give up. He had spent the day doing factory work and was just bitter and complaining the whole day.
Then, after dinner, they had an optional time of music.
He went, because he loves music and wanted to hear it any chance he got.
While he was in the gym for it, there was a verse on the wall: James 4:10 "Humble yourselves in the site of the Lord and He will lift you up."
Caleb said he had a breakdown. He cried. He was humbled. He said, in that moment, something changed in him, and nothing has been the same since.
He said the next day he did the same work in the same factory, but he was joyful! He said he was singing hymns and just happy to be alive.
The letter was amazing. It was exciting.
I know a year will be a long time to figure out for us out here, but it is worth any sacrifice to know that Christ is breaking through and healing and setting Caleb free.
Please pray that the strongholds continue to be torn down.
Praise God with me over this exciting new birth of faith inside of Caleb.
And pray with me for this yard sale on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
I am overwhelmed.
But I know what I do is not done in vain.
Thanks be to God for His indescribable gifts!!
Monday, October 27, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
A New Normal
There is a box at the top of my screen indicating that I can choose a "normal" font.
Normal.
Say normal out loud twenty times... That is about as coherent as my normal is...
Caleb was delivered safely to Teen Challenge. In fact, the next day, I dropped off one of his friends to his own rehab, The Refuge, as well. I am now a skilled rehab transit service...
In other news,
The day before Caleb went in, we signed with a realtor to sell our house.
A realtor who knows Caleb's story and has a pain of his own. We talked for a while.
Our house will be listed soon, the realtor is taking pictures tomorrow evening.
I spent today working over there, cleaning, shining, vacuuming a few stray spider webs... And praying praying praying. It will take exactly the right person to want that house.
I know God is big enough to bring them along, if that is His will.
I will be cleaning over there again tomorrow, there is still plenty to be done before the pictures in the evening... Pray I will have strength and stamina and the children will be happy coloring and playing quietly. I already know that E will want me to hold her all day. But I just can't and so she holds my legs and we limp along cleaning and scrubbing and prepping the house in case someone wants to look at it.
There is great sadness that Daddy is gone again for an amount of time no child can wrap their mind around.
There is great relief that Daddy is somewhere safe and now at least there won't be any further messes made.
There is great anticipation for the house to sell, and soon. It has a nice wood burner... It would be a great winter house....
There is also comfort, knowing God is here and His presence is made known in many little ways throughout the day. My mother in law gave me a big hug today. For years there was pain between us, but today, she mentioned how far we had come since the beginning of our relationship. It is nothing short of miraculous. God does bring about restoration.
I was able to say with confidence today, that I am honestly not bitter about the way life has unfolded. I still grieve, but I am grateful for the closeness I have felt to God, Abba, our Provider.
I have learned a Love I never would have needed to know otherwise.
I am grateful for the path because it has carried me to an understanding of Christ, and an understanding of how i fit into His narrative.
There is also excitement!! I have received a total of $884.16 toward Tuition for seminary!! I also have a babysitter for Thursday evening all lined up and excited, AND even a back up babysitter if that one falls through. I have so many dreams for how I can use a Biblical counseling degree to speak hope into the lives of people who are stuck where I was stuck, thinking that addiction is a hopeless life-sucking death sentence for the addict and the ones who love the addict...
I already own the Celebrate Recovery books and starter kit. I would love to see a Celebrate Recovery come to this area. I have tried twice before to get one started, but obviously I needed to be farther along in my journey. This degree will help so much with creating a healthy, balanced ministry!!!
I'm SO EXCITED. Honestly, I have no idea how or where everything will fall together for me to return to school. But I never expected to raise that much in one week, I have been so humbled and overwhelmed by the generosity already displayed. If you have donated or have been praying, you are in this with me and it means everything to me to have an army walking this path.
Let me tell you, it isn't easy to stay married to a question mark... It but as I keep telling the children, while Daddy is away, God is their father, God is our provider, God is big enough to carry us through this journey.
After the meeting Thursday, I will know a bit more about my other opportunities to raise funds without having to beg (hopefully!!).
There are some intense messes that Caleb has a left behind as he goes into this time in rehab. But I am grateful that those don't define me, I am grateful God has surrounded me with prayers to know that though the enemy seeks my destruction, and my family's destruction, God is offering us a hope and a future. I am grateful for the clarity of thought and strength of mind God has given me in talking to the children about these changes.
Normal will most likely never be my experience, but then again, what is normal? I had four babies with a midwife. Her life's calling is to pack up and go when a mom is in labor, her sleep schedule has never been "normal". But she is a wonderful, Godly woman and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else praying beside my bed as my babies were coming into this world. I guess getting used to the fact that perfect Kingdom work isn't 9-5 mon-fri has been a long journey for me. There is no perfect schedule, no perfect way to order life so that all is done admirably. At least not when it comes to Kingdom work...
One of the people who provided financial support for me is actually a midwife, one I have yet to meet. But she knows Caleb's family. She emailed me and said this was "seed money" for the work that BOTH Caleb and I will be doing as God unfolds His purpose.
What a happy thought.
If you need the link to the tuition fund raiser, here it is again... Though I'm trying not to be obnoxious about it, I am so grateful for what has already been received.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Normal.
Say normal out loud twenty times... That is about as coherent as my normal is...
Caleb was delivered safely to Teen Challenge. In fact, the next day, I dropped off one of his friends to his own rehab, The Refuge, as well. I am now a skilled rehab transit service...
In other news,
The day before Caleb went in, we signed with a realtor to sell our house.
A realtor who knows Caleb's story and has a pain of his own. We talked for a while.
Our house will be listed soon, the realtor is taking pictures tomorrow evening.
I spent today working over there, cleaning, shining, vacuuming a few stray spider webs... And praying praying praying. It will take exactly the right person to want that house.
I know God is big enough to bring them along, if that is His will.
I will be cleaning over there again tomorrow, there is still plenty to be done before the pictures in the evening... Pray I will have strength and stamina and the children will be happy coloring and playing quietly. I already know that E will want me to hold her all day. But I just can't and so she holds my legs and we limp along cleaning and scrubbing and prepping the house in case someone wants to look at it.
There is great sadness that Daddy is gone again for an amount of time no child can wrap their mind around.
There is great relief that Daddy is somewhere safe and now at least there won't be any further messes made.
There is great anticipation for the house to sell, and soon. It has a nice wood burner... It would be a great winter house....
There is also comfort, knowing God is here and His presence is made known in many little ways throughout the day. My mother in law gave me a big hug today. For years there was pain between us, but today, she mentioned how far we had come since the beginning of our relationship. It is nothing short of miraculous. God does bring about restoration.
I was able to say with confidence today, that I am honestly not bitter about the way life has unfolded. I still grieve, but I am grateful for the closeness I have felt to God, Abba, our Provider.
I have learned a Love I never would have needed to know otherwise.
I am grateful for the path because it has carried me to an understanding of Christ, and an understanding of how i fit into His narrative.
There is also excitement!! I have received a total of $884.16 toward Tuition for seminary!! I also have a babysitter for Thursday evening all lined up and excited, AND even a back up babysitter if that one falls through. I have so many dreams for how I can use a Biblical counseling degree to speak hope into the lives of people who are stuck where I was stuck, thinking that addiction is a hopeless life-sucking death sentence for the addict and the ones who love the addict...
I already own the Celebrate Recovery books and starter kit. I would love to see a Celebrate Recovery come to this area. I have tried twice before to get one started, but obviously I needed to be farther along in my journey. This degree will help so much with creating a healthy, balanced ministry!!!
I'm SO EXCITED. Honestly, I have no idea how or where everything will fall together for me to return to school. But I never expected to raise that much in one week, I have been so humbled and overwhelmed by the generosity already displayed. If you have donated or have been praying, you are in this with me and it means everything to me to have an army walking this path.
Let me tell you, it isn't easy to stay married to a question mark... It but as I keep telling the children, while Daddy is away, God is their father, God is our provider, God is big enough to carry us through this journey.
After the meeting Thursday, I will know a bit more about my other opportunities to raise funds without having to beg (hopefully!!).
There are some intense messes that Caleb has a left behind as he goes into this time in rehab. But I am grateful that those don't define me, I am grateful God has surrounded me with prayers to know that though the enemy seeks my destruction, and my family's destruction, God is offering us a hope and a future. I am grateful for the clarity of thought and strength of mind God has given me in talking to the children about these changes.
Normal will most likely never be my experience, but then again, what is normal? I had four babies with a midwife. Her life's calling is to pack up and go when a mom is in labor, her sleep schedule has never been "normal". But she is a wonderful, Godly woman and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else praying beside my bed as my babies were coming into this world. I guess getting used to the fact that perfect Kingdom work isn't 9-5 mon-fri has been a long journey for me. There is no perfect schedule, no perfect way to order life so that all is done admirably. At least not when it comes to Kingdom work...
One of the people who provided financial support for me is actually a midwife, one I have yet to meet. But she knows Caleb's family. She emailed me and said this was "seed money" for the work that BOTH Caleb and I will be doing as God unfolds His purpose.
What a happy thought.
If you need the link to the tuition fund raiser, here it is again... Though I'm trying not to be obnoxious about it, I am so grateful for what has already been received.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
A Hope and a Future
Tuesday the 7th of October was our divorce date.
Seven days prior to that date, our divorce was canceled, because Caleb agreed to go back to Teen Challenge for as long as it takes. He sealed his dedication by putting the house on the market and putting his truck for sale to pay off debts he made... Hopefully everything sells and everyone he has done work for pays their invoices... But we have enough for bills, currently, and I am at peace about resting in God for all of our needs. I was even able to pay rent a month in advance this month.
It is another twist in the road, but the end goal is restoration. I do hope and pray he makes it... I don't want to be divorced, and he will forever be the father of these babies, so... Another chance.
As long as he is willing to work, I am willing to wait.
That said, due to the uncertainty there, I have been looking into getting my master's...
I was for a while,
Then I went to a CCEF conference and received the whispered call to counseling.
I have thought about it off and on for the past two years, but always thought it was a "someday" thing.
Now that life has taken another turn, I do feel that it is time to take this step.
Caleb will be writing me letters from Teen Challenge because he would like to finish telling his story, so that will be appearing periodically on the blog now.
Please pray with me as I step into the future. I would love to start my masters as soon as possible... But realistically, it will probably be next fall.
Pray with me that I concentrate on what is important while, at the same time, realistically preparing for the future. I would love to have a steady career that can help others as well as pay the bills if Caleb can't.
Thanks for your prayers in this journey.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Seven days prior to that date, our divorce was canceled, because Caleb agreed to go back to Teen Challenge for as long as it takes. He sealed his dedication by putting the house on the market and putting his truck for sale to pay off debts he made... Hopefully everything sells and everyone he has done work for pays their invoices... But we have enough for bills, currently, and I am at peace about resting in God for all of our needs. I was even able to pay rent a month in advance this month.
It is another twist in the road, but the end goal is restoration. I do hope and pray he makes it... I don't want to be divorced, and he will forever be the father of these babies, so... Another chance.
As long as he is willing to work, I am willing to wait.
That said, due to the uncertainty there, I have been looking into getting my master's...
I was for a while,
Then I went to a CCEF conference and received the whispered call to counseling.
I have thought about it off and on for the past two years, but always thought it was a "someday" thing.
Now that life has taken another turn, I do feel that it is time to take this step.
Caleb will be writing me letters from Teen Challenge because he would like to finish telling his story, so that will be appearing periodically on the blog now.
Please pray with me as I step into the future. I would love to start my masters as soon as possible... But realistically, it will probably be next fall.
Pray with me that I concentrate on what is important while, at the same time, realistically preparing for the future. I would love to have a steady career that can help others as well as pay the bills if Caleb can't.
Thanks for your prayers in this journey.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
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