The good people at Lindsey Wilson College were not happy with what I had become on their campus. I thought they were just up-tight. It all became drama while we were in a museum in Nashville. The building was put together like an old town, I can't remember what it was called, but it was a steel building so the cell phone service was very spotty.
The staff from school had decided that, while I was away, they would do a random room search. They were hoping to catch me breaking the rules in order to impose some sort of discipline. I'm not sure what they had in mind, but I know their goal was one of two things: I would either stop or get kicked out of school.
Things might have turned out differently for me if either of those two things had happened... but by the grace of God, I've now changed my ways. Looking back, I finally realize, it wasn't all about "not getting caught." It was about not getting sucked down into that pit of death, and because I didn't get caught, I kept up that double life of "good Christian boy on Sundays" and "happy-go-lucky, anything-goes (but girls)" the rest of the time.
My RD, at that time, was a friend of mine. He was on the cycling team, and he was willing to help me out as long as it didn't get him in any trouble. He used his knowledge of the situation to let another of our friends, we'll call him Bob, know that the "higher ups" were getting ready to toss my room.
Bob tried several times to get a hold of me on my cell phone. Because of the building we were in, the calls never came through. But he didn't give up there, he called another student on the trip. This guy came running up to me, "Bob is on the phone for you. He says it's really important. Very serious."
I grabbed the phone. "Caleb, I just cleaned out your room." He listed all of the things he had grabbed and hidden and wanted to know if he had missed anything. Actually, now that I think about it, I probably would have been in jail with all that was in my room... but he had already grabbed all of it for me and took it to another location for safe keeping until I was back on campus.
Did I mention that the college was in a dry county, that it was a dry campus? Not only did I have pot and paraphernalia, I had four cases of beer under my bed. Because it was harder to come by, someone old enough would take my money and my order and drive about forty-five minutes one way just to get to the liquor store on the county line. Even so, my drinking hadn't been dissuaded a bit.
I had been warned early on that I didn't want to stock up too much beer. If anyone got caught, the security guard would grab the whole stash, take it home, and enjoy it himself. The fact that I had left town with four cases of it under my bed, shows where my priorities were and how dependent I was on my buzz. Most people would get what they wanted for the weekend, then wait for the next run. I always had extra. I didn't want to be without, even though I was living on limited funds. I was quickly falling farther and farther away from the way I was raised and from what I knew was right. Not only would it have been bad for me if I had been caught, it could have affected the future of my innocent roommate. For that matter alone, I am glad nothing came of the search that day.
I lived in an on-campus brick apartment building that usually housed four students. There were only three of us. When the search party entered our apartment, there was our living room with a surround couch creating a hall/walkway. They searched through our couch and movie collection and found nothing. Turning left, they entered the kitchen, and came up empty again. Walking past the couch, they got to the two bed rooms.
The bathroom and other bedroom were on the left, in line with the kitchen... they skipped those and headed for my bedroom, sitting behind the living room. They searched everywhere, but left empty handed.
I loved that little place. It was my first castle. I felt so powerful away from my parent's roof. And I loved my friends, they never made me feel guilty about anything. Plus, they were crazy different. I thought that was awesome too. My roommate was a very cool Indian fellow. He is now about to graduate from medical school. He was all about studying, and he had no desire for any of the stuff I did, but we got along really well. He always slept on the floor without a matt, pad, or anything. He said it was the only way he could sleep comfortably. I was fine with that, it meant that I got a double mattress.
Where his bed would have been, I put several lag-hooks into the studs. That made it possible for me to hang my half-dozen bikes up from the ceiling. It was a great way to conserve space, since it was a rather small bedroom, and there was no place for my over abundance of bikes. My roommate was fine with it, he had a bike too and he would occasionally ride. So seven bikes hung from our ceiling.
MR (my roommate) also had the coolest computer ever, his keyboard and mouse were wireless, so he could sit eight feet away and work on his computer. That was absolutely crazy to this sheltered farm boy. I had never seen anything like it! He laughed at my reaction to so many things. The Indian and the Hillbilly... that could be a story in itself...
The collection of tunes on MR's computer was huge! His music was right up my ally. I had been sneaking and listening to "non mom approved" music since I could drive, and I enjoyed every kind of music: from the Beatles to Marilyn Manson, from jazz to rap, and everything in between. The two of us had some music playing every minute of the day (and most nights).
I really loved and enjoyed MR, he was a good friend. He had been my RA the semester before in the dorm building. They didn't usually let freshman into on-campus apartments, but since he was my roommate, they made an exception. Knowing that I could have ruined his whole medical career is hard to wrap my head around, but God intervened, and I am so grateful for my friend's sake.
After that close call, I started to realize that the "school stuff" really wasn't for me. I decided, about three weeks before Spring Semester ended, that I wasn't coming back in the fall. That was when I quit going to classes. Prior to that day, I had never missed a class.
During the last week, mostly just final testing, I was sitting in my apartment playing some video game. I would have been taking my history final, but I was skipping all of those tests. I was just waiting for the school to close, so I would have to go home. Then I heard a knock, knock, knock accompanied by a female voice call, "Caleb, I know you're in there! They told me where I could find you. Come on, let's go. I already started the test for the rest of class, and I'm not going back without you."
It was my crazy wonderful history professor. I opened the door and shared with her that it was always a struggle for me to keep up with all of the reading and writing and that I honestly despised school. She tried to talk me into changing my major to a History degree. She said that once I got all my General Education classes done, the rest of my classes would be with her. She said she would make sure I past all my classes and get a degree.
It was tempting (just kidding, no, it wasn't at all). I told her I would have to pass on her offer. With that, my college experience ended.
I learned a lot, that's for sure, although I'm not sure how much of it was even worth learning. I know it was all part of shaping who I am now. If nothing else, I hope I am able to have a better idea of how to teach my children. To teach them often and early not to make the same mistakes that I did. To teach them grace and forgiveness now, so that they can be open to me when they make a mistake or are in the middle of a struggle... To teach them a proper understanding of shame and guilt so that when they are at that point in there lives, they can be saved all of the pain and disappointment, and so we can talk, together, about the hard things.
During my days in Kentucky, my character was lacking and as I reflect on the past, I can see how my huge fall started with small baby steps. It wasn't just things I did on the outside. I know I am still on a journey to clean up what I became on the inside too. Outwardly and inwardly I am learning to have a new pride in my body because I am united with Christ. I represent something bigger than me and I want to shine from the inside out for Christ.
I want to share my story with all the guys and gals that I went to college with, some have also fallen into the pit of addiction, and I want to show them that there is a way out. I want to share that Way with anyone else who cares to hear, about this journey, about how much worse it got after school, about all of the ugly truth of who I became, just so I can then share how much better it can be and has become because of the Freedom in Christ. I am honestly excited to share the amazing things that He has done for me and How Christ has saved my life, marriage, and family Praise the Lord. But I get ahead of myself... the fall didn't end when college ended... this story has just begun...
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