Today is heavy.
My limbs feel weighted, my mind is overwhelmed.
We did a lot yesterday, but it doesn't show because none of it was the daily chasing after the messes and cleaning them up before the house transitions to a state of catastrophic chaos.
Four kids wait for no grieving!
I don't even know exactly how the mess reached these epic proportions since we were running around most of the day.
The trusty family mini van is now in my name.
I've never had anything titled to me before.
I have my own vehicle insurance.
And instead of dropping trash at the old house, I even called and set up trash removal here.
I can't go out there to drop off trash, I can't go out there at all, ever.
Last time I dropped off trash, I saw things I didn't want to see, because I went inside looking.
I can't look anymore.
I have to release it all to God.
My fingers feel like they have little lead weights in them, they are clumsy on the keys. Every room needs attention. We need to get some healthy meals up in this house! I was healthy food freak out mom, now my kids survive on a steady diet of cereal, mac and cheese, apples and crackers. They haven't had farm fresh anything... and I used to get fresh, organic, local veggies and fruits weekly... Even so, I'm not keeping up with the dishes (we have no dishwasher and generally these hands that are needed in three places every moment of the day).
But the theme of the day is: get over it and get something done.
I have a beautiful friend who went through something similar. She said for the first few months she slept fourteen hours a day... sleeping away the depression part of the grieving process... I don't get that luxury!! But my body wants to, oh how I long to just stay in bed and not face this mess. I know it is just the grieving process, that this too shall pass... but until it passes, every task takes so. much. effort!!
I hope I'm not complaining, just explaining... maybe I'm complaining...
The air conditioning hasn't been working here, so the landlord is coming on Saturday. I know that is plenty of time to get things straightened, but amazingly, what takes me 12 hours to clean, the children can have destroyed in less than 2! I have witnessed it. And keeping them from creating chaos is in itself a full time job.
Someone told me, "Just teach them to put away what they were playing with before they get out another toy..." After chasing them around for two days "reminding" them in their boundless energy to Stop, put that one away, okay, stop, put that one away... I had to do dishes. By the time I was done with dishes, the mess had returned. I gave up.
W. likes to empty his drawers when he gets clothes on for the day... I have worked with him for months, but to no avail. Every morning, drawers empty on the floor. Being in survival mode has not left me much mental capacity to figure out affective means of behavior modification... So it is a vicious cycle.
Then, I decided I needed some time for stress relief... just a few moments in a quiet bath... I tuck the kids away, make sure they are just about out, and sneak into the bathroom. Alas, a monster bug chooses that moment to crawl across W's bedside wall and escape into the shadows. Both boys, awake and freaking out, rush in and we must hunt for the monster bug. Then back to bed, but they are thirsty... then drinks and to bed. Repeat the sneaking to the bathroom, but C. has had a nightmare. We have a little talk, the boys hear us and join in... we have a family meeting about Daddy, what is going on, nightmares, and whatever W. decides fits with the conversation...
An hour later I am still trying to get children to bed. And did I mention E. still thinks she needs to nurse every 2-3 hours... and still wakes up twice a night!?
Perhaps I am writing this all out because if I don't I may have a breakdown where I just sit and cry for an entire day... and I don't have that luxury.
So as I nurse E. for the second time this morning, I will sit and share.
Then once she is done, I will get up, wash dishes, fold laundry, take away every piece of W's clothing sans one outfit and put it all in a box up in the garage or something, clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen, make lunch, clean the living room, find the library books, clean the lunch dishes, pay the bills, mow the grass, figure out dinner (I probably have to go to the grocery store)... and every single movement takes so much more energy because I. AM. SAD. and tired.
Single moms everywhere who are reading this are shrugging and saying, yeah, suck it up... this is life and you get though, just wait until you have to throw a job into the mix!
I know. I know.
But it isn't right and it isn't fair. I didn't chose it... and I don't have to like it... I just have to figure out how to make it to bed time.
And I will. I always do. The children always get fed. The work always gets done. The IMPORTANT things always get finished in due time... but there is still so much!
I never thought I would be left to do this alone. But this is a big part of why I have always begged Caleb to come back... we don't live in a world where a village comes around to raise a child. We live in a world where, if your lawn doesn't get mowed, your neighbor reports you... if you want to spend time with a friend, you have to have at least hidden the mess from the living room... the pressure and judgment to get things done doesn't stop just because a spouse happens to go AWOL.
And perhaps a lot of it is my own perfectionism still driving me to "do things right!" I'm sure that is part of it, and something I have to work on... but I am drowning in a heavy weight of grief with more to do than I can handle. And I don't know where to start... except all the kids had breakfast and E. nursed twice. Kudos to me... (that may have been more sarcastic than I meant it to be, but E is done and I fought the bitterness as best I could).
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