My Darling C,
I am so proud of the little lady
you are becoming. I need to apologize to
you. I have wasted eight years trying to
save your Daddy from drugs. That wasn’t
something I could do. Only God can do
that, whenever Daddy decides he wants God to do that. But, C., I have not been a
great Mommy to you.
I know you will argue and say, “no,
you’re a great Mommy!” But that is because you don’t know any better and you
have a huge and loving heart. So, my
dear, now that Daddy is off on his own journey, trying to figure out what he
wants in life, I am making some changes.
I am not going to spend my time trying to figure out how to be the best
for Daddy, doing work for Daddy, and thinking thinking thinking too much
thinking about Daddy, because that was not healthy or good! From now on, I am going to be here for you,
little lady.
I am sorry for the times I have
been short tempered. I am not perfect,
and God still has a lot of work to do in my heart and in my life. You have so many gifts and beautiful
abilities! I am so proud of you my
little junior doctor. I want you to know
if you ever decide you don’t want to actually be a doctor, that will not hurt
anyone’s feelings. You don’t have to
become a doctor for any of us to be completely proud of who you are. The biggest, most important thing in the
whole wide world is simply becoming a disciple of Christ and staying a disciple
of Christ. As long as you love Christ,
you will be doing exactly what you were created to do.
That said, I wanted you to know
I have noticed some things about you that are extra special. You, my dear, have an amazing mind for
math, speak in front of an audience with the bravery of an adult, have an outstanding memory, and you are wonderful with people (especially little children people). I know, if you put your mind to it, you will
be an amazing doctor. You are so smart and
dedicated, you will do such great things!
Mommy has been a little crazy
with trying to schedule things and then not keeping to it.
I apologize for needing so much help from you over the past few weeks. Thank you for stepping up when I was
struggling. Thank you for making toast for everyone that morning I stayed in bed. Thank you for changing E's diaper when I was washing the kitchen full of dishes yesterday. You just see a need and meet it, that is so amazing and wonderful. And I am so grateful! I don't want you to think you have to do everything though! You are still a young girl, and you're not the boss of those brothers of yours :)
Things are getting better for Mommy
now. God has been comforting me in my
sadness about losing Daddy… I am still sad, but God has given me hope
and a promise that no matter what, we don’t have to worry because He is here
with us and loves us. I am going to work
very hard to get a regular schedule for every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, and Friday. I would like to
have breakfast every day at 8am. Then I
would like you to start your school at 9am every day. Right now, for school, I would just like for
you to keep doing your short math lessons.
Darling girl, you have special
gifts. But God is first. I also don’t want you to stop memorizing
scripture. While you are making your bed
in the morning or getting dressed or brushing your beautiful hair, that would
be a good time to be memorizing a new verse.
That way it happens every day. I
am so excited that I get to spend the next ten years watching you grow into a
lady. (I get to spend more than that
watching you, but I know you will be a lady by the time you are 18 since you
are already so grown up!)
I love you my C. I can’t believe I haven’t spent more time
writing letters to you. You’ve been able
to read for so long and I have wasted my days writing all my letters to Daddy,
begging him to be here with us. I was
wasting time. I’m sorry for that. I am excited that God showed me that I can
spend time writing to my little blessing!!
You make my heart sing, you make me smile, and you are just delightful.
I have no idea what huge adventures God has for you, but I’m so grateful
He put me and Daddy together so that I ended up with you!! Daddy is an awesome person, drugs are not
awesome. Don’t forget that! You're half Daddy/half Mommy, and I think that
is cool. You got Daddy’s eyes and his
big loving heart. Before drugs trapped
him, he was full of energy and life, just like you. I hope you always know that it is a gift to
have been given your Daddy’s work ethic and his strength! And I hope you know that it is okay to love
him. Pray for him every day. And hope that God works a miracle and
restores his mind. That is all okay and
good. Drugs are so confusing to Mommy
and I am 21 years older than you, I’m sure you are just as confused as me, if
not MORE confused. But I want you to
know, you don’t have to figure it out.
You don’t even have to think about it at all right now if you don’t want
to.
Actually, even better, I think right now it would
be a good time to focus on something else.
I think we need to focus on YOUR hopes and dreams right now… So lets dream doctor dreams together, and maybe even go visit Mara some time. Lets study cells from those books you found at the library and lets learn all the parts of
the body together. Let’s finish memorizing James chapter 2
and get in a regular schedule. And lets cook together. I would like that. I know you have been longing for it for
years. I’m sorry I have been so
distracted and I am sorry we have never really cooked together.
Things are going to be different around here.
I love you more than a whale loves his spout.
You are amazing.
Sincerely,
Mommy
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