It is good that the Kickstarter didn't happen.
My story did not end up being the one I always held onto with all my hopeful imagination.
But I trust in the Writer of my story.
I read about Mercy and Justice last night. And I knew I had found the words to end this chapter of my life. This will be my final blog for the budding fig. I don't know what the future holds. But I know Who holds my future.
I haven't ever understood mercy and justice. The just acts of God seemed so harsh to me. But, reading through the book, "The Holiness of God," I finally understand my error. God doesn't "owe" anyone mercy. He can give justice to all, but He doesn't, that is mercy. But we take it for granted. For years, I didn't think anyone should have to "suffer" justice. But, justice is righteous, because God is just, not merely merciful.
I offered Caleb mercy; he took it for granted. I was left with no option but to allow justice to step in and move ahead. Taking advantage of mercy, continuing in destruction, breaks relationship. I didn't want to let that be, I didn't think God would want me to be anything but merciful. But, He released me from the relationship. I hesitated to write about it, because I couldn't find the words, it has been a process. The finality of divorce is my reality, but I no longer suffer at the reality of our brokenness. My identity is not: that divorced woman... I am still known by the One who matters as "Loved and Redeemed."
I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I step into the unknown fully aware that many will not agree with my decision to allow the necessary consequences of relational destruction to take their course. But, God released me. He carried me through the fire, he didn't allow me to be burned by the insane flames, but instead He allowed those terrible flames to burn off the bonds of sin that were keeping me in captivity.
I am a free woman. Free from guilt. Free from the pain of the past. Free to be a servant of Christ and Christ alone.
And the joy, oh, the joy, how can I describe it? Every day is an adventure, two days ago, the children and I went to the park. It started raining, hard. Rather than leave, we played. We got muddy. We delighted in the rain, in each other, in the joy. I laughed so hard my sides hurt. Although it is tragedy when someone does not cooperate with grace, we are not defeated. God continues to sustain us, Manna for every moment, beyond what I could have dreamt up on my own. I don't deserve the amazing gifts He has given over the course of the past few months, but I stand humbled and grateful. The children and I are building a new life, getting reconnected with old friends, and making new ones.
I know God has an amazing plan.
I don't know what it looks like, but I walk forward with a boldness I have never known and a joy that touches everything with a lightness I can't explain.
This 8 year-pain-filled chapter is closed. Finished. But, behold, He is making all things new. And He always keeps His promises.
Amen.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Light that shines in the Darkness
This weekend was different from the many weekends that have strung together to be my past few months. This weekend, I had my in-laws watch the children while I visited Caleb on Saturday and then celebrated with my sister at her bridal shower on Sunday.
We received a letter on Friday. It was an amazing encouragement. The letter was from someone who reads our blog, someone I have never met, but someone who has walked a similar path. The letter put us both in tears. (Obviously we hadn't just read it in the previous picture!) The letter contained an incredible description of one man's journey through the addiction of his father, of God's hand directing that story, and of complete restoration of a man who "has since finished his race on earth and is now before the very face of his redeemer." This letter encouraged both of us to "see the many testimonies of God's relentless pursuit of each of us," and this gave me new eyes to see our journey as one where God is drawing us to Him.
There we are, just me and my beloved. Soaring to the heavens with a visit and sunshine!
It was a sunny day and we went for a walk, then sat on the concrete and talked for hours! I love that man. His walk in recovery has been a beautiful journey. The Refuge is absolutely breathed with the Holy Spirit.We received a letter on Friday. It was an amazing encouragement. The letter was from someone who reads our blog, someone I have never met, but someone who has walked a similar path. The letter put us both in tears. (Obviously we hadn't just read it in the previous picture!) The letter contained an incredible description of one man's journey through the addiction of his father, of God's hand directing that story, and of complete restoration of a man who "has since finished his race on earth and is now before the very face of his redeemer." This letter encouraged both of us to "see the many testimonies of God's relentless pursuit of each of us," and this gave me new eyes to see our journey as one where God is drawing us to Him.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Bright Hope for Tomorrow (and today)
Through the mess, through the tirals, through the pain, God has sustained us. Here we are now, in such an amazingly different place than even 3 months ago.
Caleb is doing incredibly well, to the point of getting promoted early and that means finishing the program early!! I always knew God would set him free and he would be free - indeed!!
And yesterday we signed on our house! What a huge and incredible blessing that is!!! All the debt from all the messy years will be completely and totally paid off in the next couple weeks. A completely clean slate!!
What will we do with this?
Follow God.
With Thanksgiving
And praise Him for calming the crazy storms in His perfect time.
I'm ready to run and sing and shout, Christ has given us a new hope, a new life, a fresh start. Spring has sprung again! !! :)
So fitting that the signing was in March.
So fitting that the song on the radio as I walked through the slush to get the last of our things was : Kari Jobi's "I am Not Alone"
And we have never been alone.
The God of the Universe is carrying us to freedom and Life Abundant, to be a part of His purpose on this earth. We are not alone!!
Monday, February 2, 2015
When I am Afraid
I don't like boats.
I don't even like the thought of boats.
I have a recurring nightmare about drowning in my van and being unable to get my children out of their seat-belts as the oxygen is slowly replaced in the van with suffocating water.
Yeah, true story.
I don't have the nightmare as often these days, but I have had it since Cora was a baby in her little five-point harness.
I love swimming. Close to shore. Or in a "safe" pool...
But I don't like boats.
When I was little, our family of seven went whale watching. We were poor, but my parents saved up, and took us on a vacation. My dad paid a bunch of money for us to go whale watching, we were supposed to be happy and grateful... but there were four of us girls and we were petrified.
I hated the boat and the water and the knowledge of how impossible it would be to breathe if I went overboard.
My sister was (and to this day is) petrified of whales.
Well, for the longest time we didn't see any whales...
Then, there was a miracle and a whale came up close and started "dancing" beside us.
My younger sister (the one who wasn't afraid of whales) said the whale danced for us.
She had prayed we would see one.
I don't remember the delight in watching a whale dance. I just remember being afraid.
And my mom taught me a song, "When I am afraid, I will trust in Him, I will trust in Him, I will trust in Him." I sang it over and over that day, until my feet were on solid ground. My memory of the trip was white knuckles on a yellow steel railing that separated me from the fathomless deep... and some small glimpses of a whale as everyone cried, "look!" and I took my gaze off the watery grave and glanced at the dance...
That vacation became an epic family memory... however, I felt ashamed that I couldn't concentrate on the beauty of the whale dance, I was too afraid.
I wanted to get rid of that fear, but fear and anxiety have been a companion to me for most of my life.
Last year, I read the book: "The Bondage Breaker." That helped me an incredible amount. I would say that instead of 365 out of 365 days lived in fear and anxiety the previous year, after reading that book, I probably only spent about 200 days stuck... It has been a huge transition, freeing and exciting! I mean, I know it won't get to 365 overnight... The bad days aren't as bad, and there are actually GOOD days now!! :)
Yet, today I found myself lost in the cloud of anxiety.
I was really frustrated. It has been a while since I have been this "stressed out." I have been in mourning. I have been sorrowful over pain and loss... but I have done a lot more "trusting" and a lot less "controlling." Today, as I had trouble even concentrating on menial tasks, I had to sit still, read the Bible, pray... and then get to the root of the issue.
The root is still my self-sufficiency. I have read the awesome book about Hudson Taylor and his faith, his mountain-moving faith, and yet I spin my wheels in the muck and mud because I don't have answers.
As the days and weeks roll on, my biggest struggle is trusting God to provide financially. When things are looking like they are going to sell.. I have great days, when things fall through, I have the worst days, like "incapable of concentrating, pacing the floor in anxiety" kinds of days.
And today I had to realize the depth of my sin, that God is allowing my faith to be tested so that I realize how deeply I worship mammon. How much I still need to give it to Him. Have not all the needs been met? Is He not still the Creator of the Universe? Does He not know my plight? Is He not meeting the most immediate needs in over-abundant ways?
But that broken and sinful part of me is still so intertwined in the world of money.
Sometimes my daughter, who has long, fine hair, gets terrible "rats." When she wakes up, there is a glob of hair that has wound itself around other hair and it is a mess. She makes it worse when she tries to comb it out, sometimes getting the comb stuck, and coming to me in tears. I slowly, ever so slowly, comb out the mess. However, it still hurts, no matter how gentle I am, because it is knotted and takes time and effort to smooth out...
I don't even like the thought of boats.
I have a recurring nightmare about drowning in my van and being unable to get my children out of their seat-belts as the oxygen is slowly replaced in the van with suffocating water.
Yeah, true story.
I don't have the nightmare as often these days, but I have had it since Cora was a baby in her little five-point harness.
I love swimming. Close to shore. Or in a "safe" pool...
But I don't like boats.
When I was little, our family of seven went whale watching. We were poor, but my parents saved up, and took us on a vacation. My dad paid a bunch of money for us to go whale watching, we were supposed to be happy and grateful... but there were four of us girls and we were petrified.
I hated the boat and the water and the knowledge of how impossible it would be to breathe if I went overboard.
My sister was (and to this day is) petrified of whales.
Well, for the longest time we didn't see any whales...
Then, there was a miracle and a whale came up close and started "dancing" beside us.
My younger sister (the one who wasn't afraid of whales) said the whale danced for us.
She had prayed we would see one.
I don't remember the delight in watching a whale dance. I just remember being afraid.
And my mom taught me a song, "When I am afraid, I will trust in Him, I will trust in Him, I will trust in Him." I sang it over and over that day, until my feet were on solid ground. My memory of the trip was white knuckles on a yellow steel railing that separated me from the fathomless deep... and some small glimpses of a whale as everyone cried, "look!" and I took my gaze off the watery grave and glanced at the dance...
That vacation became an epic family memory... however, I felt ashamed that I couldn't concentrate on the beauty of the whale dance, I was too afraid.
I wanted to get rid of that fear, but fear and anxiety have been a companion to me for most of my life.
Last year, I read the book: "The Bondage Breaker." That helped me an incredible amount. I would say that instead of 365 out of 365 days lived in fear and anxiety the previous year, after reading that book, I probably only spent about 200 days stuck... It has been a huge transition, freeing and exciting! I mean, I know it won't get to 365 overnight... The bad days aren't as bad, and there are actually GOOD days now!! :)
Yet, today I found myself lost in the cloud of anxiety.
I was really frustrated. It has been a while since I have been this "stressed out." I have been in mourning. I have been sorrowful over pain and loss... but I have done a lot more "trusting" and a lot less "controlling." Today, as I had trouble even concentrating on menial tasks, I had to sit still, read the Bible, pray... and then get to the root of the issue.
The root is still my self-sufficiency. I have read the awesome book about Hudson Taylor and his faith, his mountain-moving faith, and yet I spin my wheels in the muck and mud because I don't have answers.
As the days and weeks roll on, my biggest struggle is trusting God to provide financially. When things are looking like they are going to sell.. I have great days, when things fall through, I have the worst days, like "incapable of concentrating, pacing the floor in anxiety" kinds of days.
And today I had to realize the depth of my sin, that God is allowing my faith to be tested so that I realize how deeply I worship mammon. How much I still need to give it to Him. Have not all the needs been met? Is He not still the Creator of the Universe? Does He not know my plight? Is He not meeting the most immediate needs in over-abundant ways?
But that broken and sinful part of me is still so intertwined in the world of money.
Sometimes my daughter, who has long, fine hair, gets terrible "rats." When she wakes up, there is a glob of hair that has wound itself around other hair and it is a mess. She makes it worse when she tries to comb it out, sometimes getting the comb stuck, and coming to me in tears. I slowly, ever so slowly, comb out the mess. However, it still hurts, no matter how gentle I am, because it is knotted and takes time and effort to smooth out...
Friday, January 30, 2015
Snow Day/Visit Day!
The roads iced over. The change happened within a matter of a half-hour. A regular day turned snow-day. Then, it melted enough.
We loaded in the family mini-van. I had texted the pastor of 2nd phase to ask permission when I knew my sister would be home and we got the go-ahead. I told him, "Don't tell Caleb, I want it to be a surprise." He was happy to play along.
The five of us traveled, brimming with anticipation and excitement, but it wasn't enough to keep the youngest two awake for the drive. That worked out perfectly, because they were well rested when we pulled in. As I got the younger children out of the van, the older two ran for the door of the house that held their Daddy. I heard him squeal, them squeal, laughter and hugs, and the baby saw her daddy and nearly jumped out of my arms trying to get to him. "My Daddy! My Daddy!" He scooped her up, laughing at her delight.
We were ushered into a cozy living room; the children kicked off their shoes and made themselves at home. Caleb lined their shoes up at the door, under the coat rack, like a visit at the home of an old friend. We sat on the couches as children crawled from one parent to the next. I kissed Caleb hello which ignited, from William, "Mommy and Daddy, swimmin in the sea, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Cora and Gavin took up the song (from Cora's performance in Little Mermaid Jr this past summer), and they skipped around the living room, eventually collapsing into a pile of giggles as Daddy caught them and tickled them.
We loaded in the family mini-van. I had texted the pastor of 2nd phase to ask permission when I knew my sister would be home and we got the go-ahead. I told him, "Don't tell Caleb, I want it to be a surprise." He was happy to play along.
The five of us traveled, brimming with anticipation and excitement, but it wasn't enough to keep the youngest two awake for the drive. That worked out perfectly, because they were well rested when we pulled in. As I got the younger children out of the van, the older two ran for the door of the house that held their Daddy. I heard him squeal, them squeal, laughter and hugs, and the baby saw her daddy and nearly jumped out of my arms trying to get to him. "My Daddy! My Daddy!" He scooped her up, laughing at her delight.
We were ushered into a cozy living room; the children kicked off their shoes and made themselves at home. Caleb lined their shoes up at the door, under the coat rack, like a visit at the home of an old friend. We sat on the couches as children crawled from one parent to the next. I kissed Caleb hello which ignited, from William, "Mommy and Daddy, swimmin in the sea, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Cora and Gavin took up the song (from Cora's performance in Little Mermaid Jr this past summer), and they skipped around the living room, eventually collapsing into a pile of giggles as Daddy caught them and tickled them.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
What is it?
Sunday, all day will pass.
Then, Monday afternoon, sometime, I will get to talk to Caleb.
I feel this weirdness.
I can't define the weirdness.
We've been apart for so long, I don't really know him.
We don't have any part of our lives in common anymore.
I do things out here, he does things in there, there is zero overlap.
We love the same God.
We love the same children.
We love his family and my family...
We are trying to sell the same house.
That's it.
We haven't had an actual relationship for years.
Then, Monday afternoon, sometime, I will get to talk to Caleb.
I feel this weirdness.
I can't define the weirdness.
We've been apart for so long, I don't really know him.
We don't have any part of our lives in common anymore.
I do things out here, he does things in there, there is zero overlap.
We love the same God.
We love the same children.
We love his family and my family...
We are trying to sell the same house.
That's it.
We haven't had an actual relationship for years.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Anchorless
There are three houses with a space set up for the children and me to stay.
The majority of our necessities are in one, my in-law's, in a room we lovingly call our "house room."
I have packed and unpacked bags weekly; moving seamlessly from one family to the next...
I have sold furniture in order to pay bills.
I have made arrangements to stay in one place so that I save gas money between scheduled engagements (I had promised and paid for Gavin to play basketball this summer, long before I knew what life had in store for us come winter...)
I have prepared food, frozen it, sorted serving sizes, made sure that there would be enough, so that we didn't spend money stopping for fast food...
I have let go, let go, let go...
But the stretching continues.
The house still has not sold.
The winter continues...
The majority of our necessities are in one, my in-law's, in a room we lovingly call our "house room."
I have packed and unpacked bags weekly; moving seamlessly from one family to the next...
I have sold furniture in order to pay bills.
I have made arrangements to stay in one place so that I save gas money between scheduled engagements (I had promised and paid for Gavin to play basketball this summer, long before I knew what life had in store for us come winter...)
I have prepared food, frozen it, sorted serving sizes, made sure that there would be enough, so that we didn't spend money stopping for fast food...
I have let go, let go, let go...
But the stretching continues.
The house still has not sold.
The winter continues...
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Reflections for a Rainy Saturday
"The narrow way is fits and starts. It's running and walking and sometimes waiting. It's mountains and valleys and darkness and light. It's not being able to see the nose on our own faces and then things suddenly opening up into a magnificent vista. It's sometimes hard, but adventures usually are. It's not efficient; it's a conversation. You're more likely to go three miles an hour than seventy. You may feel alone but you're not. God is there. And look around you: a great cloud of witnesses."- Slow Church pg 52
"One of the great paradoxes of the gospel is that we find supreme joy indirectly as we go through the fire, are ground up and poured out for each other. This process of giving ourselves up for one another is at the very heart of the way of Jesus." - Slow Church page 57
"When we reject the opportunity to forgive or ask for forgiveness, the relationship suffers. When we choose to practice true forgiveness, the relationship is not just brought back to where it was before the offense; it actually moves farther down the road to maturity." - Relationships, A Mess worth Making
I have been reading these past two months, more than I have read since I was in college. It has been a growing experience for me. How I missed snuggling with a book to explore the inner workings of minds devoted to God and pouring forth His revelations onto pages... I delight in reading.
And music! Oh, the music of this house is incredible!! Many very talented musicians reside with me now :) or I reside with them...
Reading and music
My spirit is growing and healing and soaring, I am so grateful.
"One of the great paradoxes of the gospel is that we find supreme joy indirectly as we go through the fire, are ground up and poured out for each other. This process of giving ourselves up for one another is at the very heart of the way of Jesus." - Slow Church page 57
"When we reject the opportunity to forgive or ask for forgiveness, the relationship suffers. When we choose to practice true forgiveness, the relationship is not just brought back to where it was before the offense; it actually moves farther down the road to maturity." - Relationships, A Mess worth Making
I have been reading these past two months, more than I have read since I was in college. It has been a growing experience for me. How I missed snuggling with a book to explore the inner workings of minds devoted to God and pouring forth His revelations onto pages... I delight in reading.
And music! Oh, the music of this house is incredible!! Many very talented musicians reside with me now :) or I reside with them...
Reading and music
My spirit is growing and healing and soaring, I am so grateful.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Press on into a new year
Caleb has been in-residence at a facility for 81 days. It will be 12 weeks on Monday, and 3 months on the 13th!!!
He was home for the weekend for the first time this past weekend.
It was incredible.
He got to be around for Ellie's birthday for the first time, ever.
It was an amazing moment filled with love, hope, joy and PEACE!
We got to sit in the circle at church and share in the victories and defeats of this past few months. It was delightful to be there as a family. It was heavenly.
He was home for the weekend for the first time this past weekend.
It was incredible.
He got to be around for Ellie's birthday for the first time, ever.
It was an amazing moment filled with love, hope, joy and PEACE!
We got to sit in the circle at church and share in the victories and defeats of this past few months. It was delightful to be there as a family. It was heavenly.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Rays of Sunshine
Today was the first day, in two weeks, that I haven't been in torment all day from my longing to have Caleb home for Christmas. It was a wonderful, normal, regular, everyday day... Without an undercurrent of emotional pain and longing. It was a huge relief, and I was grateful for the break.
I think it has been an enemy attack, actually. The temptation to bring Caleb home was the greatest I have known it to be yesterday. In fact, I couldn't fight it alone. I had to call a friend.
I was grateful for wise friendships yesterday. During our conversation, I knew I had to let Caleb stay, but my wise friend helped me figure out why I wanted him home so badly now, when it was never like this the last 3 times I took him to rehab.
I think it has been an enemy attack, actually. The temptation to bring Caleb home was the greatest I have known it to be yesterday. In fact, I couldn't fight it alone. I had to call a friend.
I was grateful for wise friendships yesterday. During our conversation, I knew I had to let Caleb stay, but my wise friend helped me figure out why I wanted him home so badly now, when it was never like this the last 3 times I took him to rehab.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Selfish Wishes...
We visited Caleb on Thanksgiving day. It was the first time the children had seen him in almost seven weeks...
It was more than difficult to leave.
William clung to his neck, "I want you to come home with us, Daddy! When will you come home with us?"
It had taken Ellie almost a whole hour to warm up to Caleb, she didn't really know him, and the goodbye was terrible for her. She finally had her Daddy, and she just wanted him to hold her. Three hours in a cold, sterile room did nothing to help her confusion about the position her Daddy plays in her life...
It was more than difficult to leave.
William clung to his neck, "I want you to come home with us, Daddy! When will you come home with us?"
It had taken Ellie almost a whole hour to warm up to Caleb, she didn't really know him, and the goodbye was terrible for her. She finally had her Daddy, and she just wanted him to hold her. Three hours in a cold, sterile room did nothing to help her confusion about the position her Daddy plays in her life...
Monday, November 24, 2014
The Invisible Call, the Irresistible Draw...
Tonight, the children and I studied Biblical passages that talk about how we serve an invisible God.
To them, it was perfectly normal, they don't question it... The wind howled outside and Cora very matter-of-factly told her brothers, "just like that wind, we don't see it, but look at the trees! And you can hear it, just like God."
After a wonderful evening of devotions (a welcome addition to our evenings since I am not the only one around who can wash dishes and clean up from dinner...), I got the children tucked away in bed and sat down to read about Hudson Taylor.
Honestly, I would have never picked this book, but it picked me. Or rather, our invisible God chose for me to read it. Without further tangents, I will tell you how this book fell into, well, was placed into my hands:
We were flying home from San Diego, from that conference where I had received that distinct call to Biblical Counseling...
Setting: on a plane, ha.
Caleb and I had a very tight connection and when we landed, we were sitting on the runway, without a gate to pull into. Things were getting stressful.
To them, it was perfectly normal, they don't question it... The wind howled outside and Cora very matter-of-factly told her brothers, "just like that wind, we don't see it, but look at the trees! And you can hear it, just like God."
After a wonderful evening of devotions (a welcome addition to our evenings since I am not the only one around who can wash dishes and clean up from dinner...), I got the children tucked away in bed and sat down to read about Hudson Taylor.
Honestly, I would have never picked this book, but it picked me. Or rather, our invisible God chose for me to read it. Without further tangents, I will tell you how this book fell into, well, was placed into my hands:
We were flying home from San Diego, from that conference where I had received that distinct call to Biblical Counseling...
Setting: on a plane, ha.
Caleb and I had a very tight connection and when we landed, we were sitting on the runway, without a gate to pull into. Things were getting stressful.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
The Cattle on a Thousand Hills
Everything that I was hoping to make at a garage sale, but didn't... I have now been gifted by a complete stranger! I don't know where the gifter found my story, but $300 was deposited in my paypal account! The note said simply, "God bless you for the sacrifices you've made to be a full-time mother. I will pray for your situation."
I am humbled, speachless, and more keenly aware than ever of the vast power of the Mighty God we serve. Caleb's truck sold and I wrote a tithe check on Sunday for the tithe on the truck and the amount that came in from the garage sale... I will admit, writing that tithe check was a bit of a battle. "But this is all I have, for the year. This is my guaranteed money, it is here, nothing else is working out! Once this is gone, I have nothing... Surely God wants me to save this tithe for my children for the year... So that we make it 11 more months... To make sure we don't have to go asking people for money, I mean, either God provides it now or later... Why not just hold on to it..." It was a battle in my head. But I wrote the check. It was so hard. It shouldn't have been so hard to give that 10%.
The rest of Sunday I spent agonizing over the numbers. I wrote them out for my mom... She said, "well, looks like something only God can work out."
Monday I plotted and planned... But that was the last blog post, you read it. You don't need to read it again here!
So, after I blogged last night, I checked Facebook. There was a message that I had somehow missed from a stranger. Simply offering support. At first I was a bit rude, I mean, I always default to something being a scam... But it was just someone moved to help from far away. They said, "paypal is easy and essentially anonymous." And the amount of the gift, I stand in awe at the generosity and just...
My list of miracles grows by the day, how can I get so discouraged and distraught?!
If God had delivered Caleb safely to rehab, and not given me a hope-filled calling to counseling, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had given me the hope-filled calling to counseling and not provided nearly $900 for school savings (in one week), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, encouragement, support for my calling, but not brought Caleb to a place of new-Spirit-birth, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had brought Caleb's broken spirit back to life, but not sold the truck the day before the due date came (for many of the bills, sitting on the piano, that I had laid hands on and prayed over because I didn't have the money to pay them all), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, at the last minute, for the pile of bills, but not provided Christmas-present-purchasers for the children, Dayenu, it truly would have been enough.
If He had provided (a Christmas tree) and presents for the children, but not given anything else via a kindhearted stranger, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided a financial gift, but not also provided a gift of heavenly music to calm and soothe my spirit, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
God has met every need. Needs I hadn't even voiced yet, like "where will we stay on Caleb's 8 hour visitation day (when the visit starts at 1pm)..." A thought I was thinking yesterday, and today got a call about someone who lives near to where he is and would like to offer their home if we need it for anything!!
Oh to simply mediate on Dayenu, on those days when the father of lies is feeding me full of worry and fear.... Oh to look at that huge list I made, that doesn't even begin to cover all the miracles that have happened, just in this past month alone!!
A conference about Loss right before rehab...
A community that rose up and bought a bunch of unneeded furniture on the "Facebook sale." Guidance when I am rushing things or possibly missteping. Women of faith to have adult conversations with when my heart is lonely and my spirit is parched. All of its, and so much more. I am so grateful. Beyond humbled. And repent of my lack of faith, my lack of trust, and my worry.
He who started a good work will be faithful to complete it.
Is faithful.
I do not want to forget. Dayenu.
I've never wanted a tattoo... But Dayenu... I want to remember, every day, all He has already done would already be enough... But his mercies are new every morning.
Behold, He is making all things new.
I am humbled, speachless, and more keenly aware than ever of the vast power of the Mighty God we serve. Caleb's truck sold and I wrote a tithe check on Sunday for the tithe on the truck and the amount that came in from the garage sale... I will admit, writing that tithe check was a bit of a battle. "But this is all I have, for the year. This is my guaranteed money, it is here, nothing else is working out! Once this is gone, I have nothing... Surely God wants me to save this tithe for my children for the year... So that we make it 11 more months... To make sure we don't have to go asking people for money, I mean, either God provides it now or later... Why not just hold on to it..." It was a battle in my head. But I wrote the check. It was so hard. It shouldn't have been so hard to give that 10%.
The rest of Sunday I spent agonizing over the numbers. I wrote them out for my mom... She said, "well, looks like something only God can work out."
Monday I plotted and planned... But that was the last blog post, you read it. You don't need to read it again here!
So, after I blogged last night, I checked Facebook. There was a message that I had somehow missed from a stranger. Simply offering support. At first I was a bit rude, I mean, I always default to something being a scam... But it was just someone moved to help from far away. They said, "paypal is easy and essentially anonymous." And the amount of the gift, I stand in awe at the generosity and just...
My list of miracles grows by the day, how can I get so discouraged and distraught?!
If God had delivered Caleb safely to rehab, and not given me a hope-filled calling to counseling, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had given me the hope-filled calling to counseling and not provided nearly $900 for school savings (in one week), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, encouragement, support for my calling, but not brought Caleb to a place of new-Spirit-birth, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had brought Caleb's broken spirit back to life, but not sold the truck the day before the due date came (for many of the bills, sitting on the piano, that I had laid hands on and prayed over because I didn't have the money to pay them all), Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided money, at the last minute, for the pile of bills, but not provided Christmas-present-purchasers for the children, Dayenu, it truly would have been enough.
If He had provided (a Christmas tree) and presents for the children, but not given anything else via a kindhearted stranger, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
If He had provided a financial gift, but not also provided a gift of heavenly music to calm and soothe my spirit, Dayenu, it would have been enough.
God has met every need. Needs I hadn't even voiced yet, like "where will we stay on Caleb's 8 hour visitation day (when the visit starts at 1pm)..." A thought I was thinking yesterday, and today got a call about someone who lives near to where he is and would like to offer their home if we need it for anything!!
Oh to simply mediate on Dayenu, on those days when the father of lies is feeding me full of worry and fear.... Oh to look at that huge list I made, that doesn't even begin to cover all the miracles that have happened, just in this past month alone!!
A conference about Loss right before rehab...
A community that rose up and bought a bunch of unneeded furniture on the "Facebook sale." Guidance when I am rushing things or possibly missteping. Women of faith to have adult conversations with when my heart is lonely and my spirit is parched. All of its, and so much more. I am so grateful. Beyond humbled. And repent of my lack of faith, my lack of trust, and my worry.
He who started a good work will be faithful to complete it.
Is faithful.
I do not want to forget. Dayenu.
I've never wanted a tattoo... But Dayenu... I want to remember, every day, all He has already done would already be enough... But his mercies are new every morning.
Behold, He is making all things new.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Finding Me...
The stress and pressure of our current financial situation has nearly crushed me a number of times over the past month.
Anyone who has been following is probably pretty tired of hearing about it all.
I know I'm tired of trying to figure it out!!
I have applied for jobs.
No word back.
I have sat up into the wee hours of the morning trying to work out: "What do we do if the house doesn't sell?"
"Where would be the best place to go?"
"How will we get there?"
"What are the other options?"
"What else can I sell? (Or try to sell)?"
"What work could I do from home?"
I worked for days organizing a sale... and it snowed... and very few things sold...
I am not qualified for any job because I have stayed home with these children...
I have tried getting work online editing, but that market is pretty crowded and full of scams.
I have tried so many things.
Nothing is working out.
I am currently working with my mother to get a business off the ground for her, but it is just a hobby business... and it is going to be months before it is ready for the world.
I am digging deep inside myself, but coming up empty empty empty. I know I MUST look to the One who sustains. That is really the only way I am going to make it.
Because of Him, today was actually a great day. I unplugged everything. The children and I went back to our daily chores. We sat on the floor for two hours and did school together, all of us. It was heavenly. The sun shone in through the big window onto our little huddle as we worked through "place value up to one hundred million", learned of the "magic e" and read a variety of books to each other. Then, I went and washed up the kitchen, made a yummy salad for lunch, and watched my little ones gobble up healthy food.
For the first five years of Cora's life, I fought against staying home. I was always looking for work, always feeling inadequate, always discontent in my role as "stay-at-home" mom. I despised myself for being totally unimportant to the world, I wanted more...
Now, as I am desperately searching for an answer to our current financial situation, I realize how content I have become with "just staying home." Today, as I invested my time in my children, the peace that I had lost in the frantic hunt for answers came washing back over me. We fit together. We all have our rhythm. We all have our place. We know how to do this life with me at the helm of the house.
I know the little intricacies of each of my children. I know when they need time alone with me. I know when they need a break from work to go run around and be refreshed before starting again with the mental work. I know when they need a snack or a nap or a cuddle... My children know me and I know them. They had "the best day ever," simply because I was being a mom... and not trying to fix the money stuff...
And I realized, there isn't a thing in this world that I am better at doing! I can get healthy food into my children, they get excited about brussle sprouts! I can teach a 1st and 3rd grader while keeping a 4 and 2 year old occupied... I can watch my 3rd grader excel at 4th grade math and 4th grade English. I can encourage my 1st grade struggling reader, teach him a few tricks, and watch his whole face light up when he gets it and reading becomes fun again! I can give them hope. I can give them peace. I can give them stable... I can point them to the God who loves and provides and sustains...
But I can't pay the stupid bills.
I mean, I can for two months... but then...
I don't know what God is doing. I do know that entering the field of counseling is the only thing that even remotely appeals to me at this point in life. I would rather sit across from someone who is broken and offer them hope than sift through a sea of grammatical errors and be on some crazy deadline. I look into the workforce and everything is so... INSANE... everyone moves so fast! Every job seems to be ordered so that it must follow you home and take up every moment of precious family time... THIS IS NOT THE WAY LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE!! Where have I gone wrong?
I probably will have to move in with family... and even then, I will have to find work and leave this blessed peace of pouring love and stability into needy little hearts...
I just hope and pray that the house will sell. That would change everything. But it hasn't. And I have to deal with the fact that it may not... nothing is for certain and I feel like there is more that will be lost because of the ridiculous addiction...
Have you ever been in the place where you have only two months of savings left? Have you ever been in the place where you look out and the future could go 100 different ways and you have no idea where you are headed? How do you prepare for the next step when every next move hinges on something happening and nothing seems to be happening?
I trust God. I totally trust God. I know He is bringing me to a place where I have to say, "I fully and completely believe You are in control and I have no control over any of this." I know that He has looked at me and said, "Watch me work."
But I am full of weakness.
I am full of worry.
I know I need to turn that worry to prayer, and I do. Lord, forgive me in my weakness, when You have already proven so much.
But it is hard not to look at the facts and mentally beat myself up, "If you hadn't moved into the rental, you wouldn't be looking at a mortgage and a rental payment every month. If you had just stayed put back in February, you wouldn't have two electric bills either. Maybe you would have been able to save more of what Caleb made that way too..."
But I know in my heart that Caleb would not be ready to spend the year in rehab if we had lived together all summer. I know that the reality of separation from his family was what brought him to the place of surrender. I know it was right, I know God was in it.
If He was in it then, how could He not be in it now?
I worked to control so many things while living with Caleb in his addiction. I hid money for our bills because otherwise it would just disappear... I enabled plenty in the name of having "control" over the situation... But really, I was never in control. I see that now.
There have been people who have stepped up and committed to buying Christmas presents for my children. I cried. I had told the children that God was their Father and He was taking care of us. But the very next day, I explained to them that there would be no money for Christmas this year. They were adorably understanding and sweet about it.
Cora bought me a book, back in May, when she got her birthday money. She has kept it hidden in her room, since May! She was so proud to say, "but Mommy, at least YOU will get ONE present." Oh my heart. Her love language is presents. Any time we go to a friend's house, she brings along a present for each of the children. Usually it is something she has created. And then, out of no where, someone I have never met says they heard my story and their church group would like to adopt my children and get them a few presents. Their joy at getting even one gift for Christmas... I am so grateful, humbled, amazed. God provided in advance...
God is in this. And He really cares about every detail.
I know I have pride, I know I have control issues, I know I have anxiety issues... I know He is using this to teach me many hard lessons...
And I say, I NEED A BREAK FROM THE HARD LESSONS, PLEASE!!
And back through the chaos of my swirling, worried mind comes a small twinkling chuckle and a small still voice, "Then take one. You have two months. Stop trying to find the answers. Rest in Me. Love your children. Eat. Sleep. And watch Me work this out for your good."
And I want to, oh I want to rest... but maybe I really just don't know how. I guess I did for about three hours this morning... that's a start...
Anyone who has been following is probably pretty tired of hearing about it all.
I know I'm tired of trying to figure it out!!
I have applied for jobs.
No word back.
I have sat up into the wee hours of the morning trying to work out: "What do we do if the house doesn't sell?"
"Where would be the best place to go?"
"How will we get there?"
"What are the other options?"
"What else can I sell? (Or try to sell)?"
"What work could I do from home?"
I worked for days organizing a sale... and it snowed... and very few things sold...
I am not qualified for any job because I have stayed home with these children...
I have tried getting work online editing, but that market is pretty crowded and full of scams.
I have tried so many things.
Nothing is working out.
I am currently working with my mother to get a business off the ground for her, but it is just a hobby business... and it is going to be months before it is ready for the world.
I am digging deep inside myself, but coming up empty empty empty. I know I MUST look to the One who sustains. That is really the only way I am going to make it.
Because of Him, today was actually a great day. I unplugged everything. The children and I went back to our daily chores. We sat on the floor for two hours and did school together, all of us. It was heavenly. The sun shone in through the big window onto our little huddle as we worked through "place value up to one hundred million", learned of the "magic e" and read a variety of books to each other. Then, I went and washed up the kitchen, made a yummy salad for lunch, and watched my little ones gobble up healthy food.
For the first five years of Cora's life, I fought against staying home. I was always looking for work, always feeling inadequate, always discontent in my role as "stay-at-home" mom. I despised myself for being totally unimportant to the world, I wanted more...
Now, as I am desperately searching for an answer to our current financial situation, I realize how content I have become with "just staying home." Today, as I invested my time in my children, the peace that I had lost in the frantic hunt for answers came washing back over me. We fit together. We all have our rhythm. We all have our place. We know how to do this life with me at the helm of the house.
I know the little intricacies of each of my children. I know when they need time alone with me. I know when they need a break from work to go run around and be refreshed before starting again with the mental work. I know when they need a snack or a nap or a cuddle... My children know me and I know them. They had "the best day ever," simply because I was being a mom... and not trying to fix the money stuff...
And I realized, there isn't a thing in this world that I am better at doing! I can get healthy food into my children, they get excited about brussle sprouts! I can teach a 1st and 3rd grader while keeping a 4 and 2 year old occupied... I can watch my 3rd grader excel at 4th grade math and 4th grade English. I can encourage my 1st grade struggling reader, teach him a few tricks, and watch his whole face light up when he gets it and reading becomes fun again! I can give them hope. I can give them peace. I can give them stable... I can point them to the God who loves and provides and sustains...
But I can't pay the stupid bills.
I mean, I can for two months... but then...
I don't know what God is doing. I do know that entering the field of counseling is the only thing that even remotely appeals to me at this point in life. I would rather sit across from someone who is broken and offer them hope than sift through a sea of grammatical errors and be on some crazy deadline. I look into the workforce and everything is so... INSANE... everyone moves so fast! Every job seems to be ordered so that it must follow you home and take up every moment of precious family time... THIS IS NOT THE WAY LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE!! Where have I gone wrong?
I probably will have to move in with family... and even then, I will have to find work and leave this blessed peace of pouring love and stability into needy little hearts...
I just hope and pray that the house will sell. That would change everything. But it hasn't. And I have to deal with the fact that it may not... nothing is for certain and I feel like there is more that will be lost because of the ridiculous addiction...
Have you ever been in the place where you have only two months of savings left? Have you ever been in the place where you look out and the future could go 100 different ways and you have no idea where you are headed? How do you prepare for the next step when every next move hinges on something happening and nothing seems to be happening?
I trust God. I totally trust God. I know He is bringing me to a place where I have to say, "I fully and completely believe You are in control and I have no control over any of this." I know that He has looked at me and said, "Watch me work."
But I am full of weakness.
I am full of worry.
I know I need to turn that worry to prayer, and I do. Lord, forgive me in my weakness, when You have already proven so much.
But it is hard not to look at the facts and mentally beat myself up, "If you hadn't moved into the rental, you wouldn't be looking at a mortgage and a rental payment every month. If you had just stayed put back in February, you wouldn't have two electric bills either. Maybe you would have been able to save more of what Caleb made that way too..."
But I know in my heart that Caleb would not be ready to spend the year in rehab if we had lived together all summer. I know that the reality of separation from his family was what brought him to the place of surrender. I know it was right, I know God was in it.
If He was in it then, how could He not be in it now?
I worked to control so many things while living with Caleb in his addiction. I hid money for our bills because otherwise it would just disappear... I enabled plenty in the name of having "control" over the situation... But really, I was never in control. I see that now.
There have been people who have stepped up and committed to buying Christmas presents for my children. I cried. I had told the children that God was their Father and He was taking care of us. But the very next day, I explained to them that there would be no money for Christmas this year. They were adorably understanding and sweet about it.
Cora bought me a book, back in May, when she got her birthday money. She has kept it hidden in her room, since May! She was so proud to say, "but Mommy, at least YOU will get ONE present." Oh my heart. Her love language is presents. Any time we go to a friend's house, she brings along a present for each of the children. Usually it is something she has created. And then, out of no where, someone I have never met says they heard my story and their church group would like to adopt my children and get them a few presents. Their joy at getting even one gift for Christmas... I am so grateful, humbled, amazed. God provided in advance...
God is in this. And He really cares about every detail.
I know I have pride, I know I have control issues, I know I have anxiety issues... I know He is using this to teach me many hard lessons...
And I say, I NEED A BREAK FROM THE HARD LESSONS, PLEASE!!
And back through the chaos of my swirling, worried mind comes a small twinkling chuckle and a small still voice, "Then take one. You have two months. Stop trying to find the answers. Rest in Me. Love your children. Eat. Sleep. And watch Me work this out for your good."
And I want to, oh I want to rest... but maybe I really just don't know how. I guess I did for about three hours this morning... that's a start...
Monday, October 27, 2014
Finishing Strong
There is a book that Caleb loves.
He wanted to pack it to take to rehab with him.
I almost didn't put it in the suitcase.
My thinking was, "you've been reading this book for the past five years. If it was helpful, maybe you wouldn't be on your way back to rehab!" I held it in my hand. Then turned it over and over, the well loved pages sliding across my fingers as it flipped. I placed it on the pile, hating it because it is the only book he would pick up and read, but it was useless, in my opinion. If there was any authority in it, he would be free!
I closed the suitcase and forgot about the book.
Then I got a letter.
It said, "As I was reading, the author shared the poem about a boy running a race that he most desperately wanted to win. But the boy fell down, not just once, but three times. On that third time he lay there and tears began to run down his cheeks, and then he could hear his father's voice telling him to get up and finish the race. So he got up the third time and made it to the finish line feeling sad and like he had let his father down. But his father tells his son "you're not a loser, you're a winner to me, and it doesn't matter how many times you fall but how many times you get back up."
Caleb finished the letter with this, "I have fallen so many times, Lindsay. I don't want to fall anymore."
*Tears*
I understand why he likes that book.
And then, this Saturday, I got the most encouraging letter of all. I would quote it, but I let Caleb's mom read it, and she wanted to keep it for a bit. It was that good.
Essentially it said, last Monday he was ready to leave. He didn't care how cold it was or how far he had to walk. He was ready to give up. He had spent the day doing factory work and was just bitter and complaining the whole day.
Then, after dinner, they had an optional time of music.
He went, because he loves music and wanted to hear it any chance he got.
While he was in the gym for it, there was a verse on the wall: James 4:10 "Humble yourselves in the site of the Lord and He will lift you up."
Caleb said he had a breakdown. He cried. He was humbled. He said, in that moment, something changed in him, and nothing has been the same since.
He said the next day he did the same work in the same factory, but he was joyful! He said he was singing hymns and just happy to be alive.
The letter was amazing. It was exciting.
I know a year will be a long time to figure out for us out here, but it is worth any sacrifice to know that Christ is breaking through and healing and setting Caleb free.
Please pray that the strongholds continue to be torn down.
Praise God with me over this exciting new birth of faith inside of Caleb.
And pray with me for this yard sale on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
I am overwhelmed.
But I know what I do is not done in vain.
Thanks be to God for His indescribable gifts!!
He wanted to pack it to take to rehab with him.
I almost didn't put it in the suitcase.
My thinking was, "you've been reading this book for the past five years. If it was helpful, maybe you wouldn't be on your way back to rehab!" I held it in my hand. Then turned it over and over, the well loved pages sliding across my fingers as it flipped. I placed it on the pile, hating it because it is the only book he would pick up and read, but it was useless, in my opinion. If there was any authority in it, he would be free!
I closed the suitcase and forgot about the book.
Then I got a letter.
It said, "As I was reading, the author shared the poem about a boy running a race that he most desperately wanted to win. But the boy fell down, not just once, but three times. On that third time he lay there and tears began to run down his cheeks, and then he could hear his father's voice telling him to get up and finish the race. So he got up the third time and made it to the finish line feeling sad and like he had let his father down. But his father tells his son "you're not a loser, you're a winner to me, and it doesn't matter how many times you fall but how many times you get back up."
Caleb finished the letter with this, "I have fallen so many times, Lindsay. I don't want to fall anymore."
*Tears*
I understand why he likes that book.
And then, this Saturday, I got the most encouraging letter of all. I would quote it, but I let Caleb's mom read it, and she wanted to keep it for a bit. It was that good.
Essentially it said, last Monday he was ready to leave. He didn't care how cold it was or how far he had to walk. He was ready to give up. He had spent the day doing factory work and was just bitter and complaining the whole day.
Then, after dinner, they had an optional time of music.
He went, because he loves music and wanted to hear it any chance he got.
While he was in the gym for it, there was a verse on the wall: James 4:10 "Humble yourselves in the site of the Lord and He will lift you up."
Caleb said he had a breakdown. He cried. He was humbled. He said, in that moment, something changed in him, and nothing has been the same since.
He said the next day he did the same work in the same factory, but he was joyful! He said he was singing hymns and just happy to be alive.
The letter was amazing. It was exciting.
I know a year will be a long time to figure out for us out here, but it is worth any sacrifice to know that Christ is breaking through and healing and setting Caleb free.
Please pray that the strongholds continue to be torn down.
Praise God with me over this exciting new birth of faith inside of Caleb.
And pray with me for this yard sale on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
I am overwhelmed.
But I know what I do is not done in vain.
Thanks be to God for His indescribable gifts!!
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
A New Normal
There is a box at the top of my screen indicating that I can choose a "normal" font.
Normal.
Say normal out loud twenty times... That is about as coherent as my normal is...
Caleb was delivered safely to Teen Challenge. In fact, the next day, I dropped off one of his friends to his own rehab, The Refuge, as well. I am now a skilled rehab transit service...
In other news,
The day before Caleb went in, we signed with a realtor to sell our house.
A realtor who knows Caleb's story and has a pain of his own. We talked for a while.
Our house will be listed soon, the realtor is taking pictures tomorrow evening.
I spent today working over there, cleaning, shining, vacuuming a few stray spider webs... And praying praying praying. It will take exactly the right person to want that house.
I know God is big enough to bring them along, if that is His will.
I will be cleaning over there again tomorrow, there is still plenty to be done before the pictures in the evening... Pray I will have strength and stamina and the children will be happy coloring and playing quietly. I already know that E will want me to hold her all day. But I just can't and so she holds my legs and we limp along cleaning and scrubbing and prepping the house in case someone wants to look at it.
There is great sadness that Daddy is gone again for an amount of time no child can wrap their mind around.
There is great relief that Daddy is somewhere safe and now at least there won't be any further messes made.
There is great anticipation for the house to sell, and soon. It has a nice wood burner... It would be a great winter house....
There is also comfort, knowing God is here and His presence is made known in many little ways throughout the day. My mother in law gave me a big hug today. For years there was pain between us, but today, she mentioned how far we had come since the beginning of our relationship. It is nothing short of miraculous. God does bring about restoration.
I was able to say with confidence today, that I am honestly not bitter about the way life has unfolded. I still grieve, but I am grateful for the closeness I have felt to God, Abba, our Provider.
I have learned a Love I never would have needed to know otherwise.
I am grateful for the path because it has carried me to an understanding of Christ, and an understanding of how i fit into His narrative.
There is also excitement!! I have received a total of $884.16 toward Tuition for seminary!! I also have a babysitter for Thursday evening all lined up and excited, AND even a back up babysitter if that one falls through. I have so many dreams for how I can use a Biblical counseling degree to speak hope into the lives of people who are stuck where I was stuck, thinking that addiction is a hopeless life-sucking death sentence for the addict and the ones who love the addict...
I already own the Celebrate Recovery books and starter kit. I would love to see a Celebrate Recovery come to this area. I have tried twice before to get one started, but obviously I needed to be farther along in my journey. This degree will help so much with creating a healthy, balanced ministry!!!
I'm SO EXCITED. Honestly, I have no idea how or where everything will fall together for me to return to school. But I never expected to raise that much in one week, I have been so humbled and overwhelmed by the generosity already displayed. If you have donated or have been praying, you are in this with me and it means everything to me to have an army walking this path.
Let me tell you, it isn't easy to stay married to a question mark... It but as I keep telling the children, while Daddy is away, God is their father, God is our provider, God is big enough to carry us through this journey.
After the meeting Thursday, I will know a bit more about my other opportunities to raise funds without having to beg (hopefully!!).
There are some intense messes that Caleb has a left behind as he goes into this time in rehab. But I am grateful that those don't define me, I am grateful God has surrounded me with prayers to know that though the enemy seeks my destruction, and my family's destruction, God is offering us a hope and a future. I am grateful for the clarity of thought and strength of mind God has given me in talking to the children about these changes.
Normal will most likely never be my experience, but then again, what is normal? I had four babies with a midwife. Her life's calling is to pack up and go when a mom is in labor, her sleep schedule has never been "normal". But she is a wonderful, Godly woman and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else praying beside my bed as my babies were coming into this world. I guess getting used to the fact that perfect Kingdom work isn't 9-5 mon-fri has been a long journey for me. There is no perfect schedule, no perfect way to order life so that all is done admirably. At least not when it comes to Kingdom work...
One of the people who provided financial support for me is actually a midwife, one I have yet to meet. But she knows Caleb's family. She emailed me and said this was "seed money" for the work that BOTH Caleb and I will be doing as God unfolds His purpose.
What a happy thought.
If you need the link to the tuition fund raiser, here it is again... Though I'm trying not to be obnoxious about it, I am so grateful for what has already been received.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Normal.
Say normal out loud twenty times... That is about as coherent as my normal is...
Caleb was delivered safely to Teen Challenge. In fact, the next day, I dropped off one of his friends to his own rehab, The Refuge, as well. I am now a skilled rehab transit service...
In other news,
The day before Caleb went in, we signed with a realtor to sell our house.
A realtor who knows Caleb's story and has a pain of his own. We talked for a while.
Our house will be listed soon, the realtor is taking pictures tomorrow evening.
I spent today working over there, cleaning, shining, vacuuming a few stray spider webs... And praying praying praying. It will take exactly the right person to want that house.
I know God is big enough to bring them along, if that is His will.
I will be cleaning over there again tomorrow, there is still plenty to be done before the pictures in the evening... Pray I will have strength and stamina and the children will be happy coloring and playing quietly. I already know that E will want me to hold her all day. But I just can't and so she holds my legs and we limp along cleaning and scrubbing and prepping the house in case someone wants to look at it.
There is great sadness that Daddy is gone again for an amount of time no child can wrap their mind around.
There is great relief that Daddy is somewhere safe and now at least there won't be any further messes made.
There is great anticipation for the house to sell, and soon. It has a nice wood burner... It would be a great winter house....
There is also comfort, knowing God is here and His presence is made known in many little ways throughout the day. My mother in law gave me a big hug today. For years there was pain between us, but today, she mentioned how far we had come since the beginning of our relationship. It is nothing short of miraculous. God does bring about restoration.
I was able to say with confidence today, that I am honestly not bitter about the way life has unfolded. I still grieve, but I am grateful for the closeness I have felt to God, Abba, our Provider.
I have learned a Love I never would have needed to know otherwise.
I am grateful for the path because it has carried me to an understanding of Christ, and an understanding of how i fit into His narrative.
There is also excitement!! I have received a total of $884.16 toward Tuition for seminary!! I also have a babysitter for Thursday evening all lined up and excited, AND even a back up babysitter if that one falls through. I have so many dreams for how I can use a Biblical counseling degree to speak hope into the lives of people who are stuck where I was stuck, thinking that addiction is a hopeless life-sucking death sentence for the addict and the ones who love the addict...
I already own the Celebrate Recovery books and starter kit. I would love to see a Celebrate Recovery come to this area. I have tried twice before to get one started, but obviously I needed to be farther along in my journey. This degree will help so much with creating a healthy, balanced ministry!!!
I'm SO EXCITED. Honestly, I have no idea how or where everything will fall together for me to return to school. But I never expected to raise that much in one week, I have been so humbled and overwhelmed by the generosity already displayed. If you have donated or have been praying, you are in this with me and it means everything to me to have an army walking this path.
Let me tell you, it isn't easy to stay married to a question mark... It but as I keep telling the children, while Daddy is away, God is their father, God is our provider, God is big enough to carry us through this journey.
After the meeting Thursday, I will know a bit more about my other opportunities to raise funds without having to beg (hopefully!!).
There are some intense messes that Caleb has a left behind as he goes into this time in rehab. But I am grateful that those don't define me, I am grateful God has surrounded me with prayers to know that though the enemy seeks my destruction, and my family's destruction, God is offering us a hope and a future. I am grateful for the clarity of thought and strength of mind God has given me in talking to the children about these changes.
Normal will most likely never be my experience, but then again, what is normal? I had four babies with a midwife. Her life's calling is to pack up and go when a mom is in labor, her sleep schedule has never been "normal". But she is a wonderful, Godly woman and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else praying beside my bed as my babies were coming into this world. I guess getting used to the fact that perfect Kingdom work isn't 9-5 mon-fri has been a long journey for me. There is no perfect schedule, no perfect way to order life so that all is done admirably. At least not when it comes to Kingdom work...
One of the people who provided financial support for me is actually a midwife, one I have yet to meet. But she knows Caleb's family. She emailed me and said this was "seed money" for the work that BOTH Caleb and I will be doing as God unfolds His purpose.
What a happy thought.
If you need the link to the tuition fund raiser, here it is again... Though I'm trying not to be obnoxious about it, I am so grateful for what has already been received.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
A Hope and a Future
Tuesday the 7th of October was our divorce date.
Seven days prior to that date, our divorce was canceled, because Caleb agreed to go back to Teen Challenge for as long as it takes. He sealed his dedication by putting the house on the market and putting his truck for sale to pay off debts he made... Hopefully everything sells and everyone he has done work for pays their invoices... But we have enough for bills, currently, and I am at peace about resting in God for all of our needs. I was even able to pay rent a month in advance this month.
It is another twist in the road, but the end goal is restoration. I do hope and pray he makes it... I don't want to be divorced, and he will forever be the father of these babies, so... Another chance.
As long as he is willing to work, I am willing to wait.
That said, due to the uncertainty there, I have been looking into getting my master's...
I was for a while,
Then I went to a CCEF conference and received the whispered call to counseling.
I have thought about it off and on for the past two years, but always thought it was a "someday" thing.
Now that life has taken another turn, I do feel that it is time to take this step.
Caleb will be writing me letters from Teen Challenge because he would like to finish telling his story, so that will be appearing periodically on the blog now.
Please pray with me as I step into the future. I would love to start my masters as soon as possible... But realistically, it will probably be next fall.
Pray with me that I concentrate on what is important while, at the same time, realistically preparing for the future. I would love to have a steady career that can help others as well as pay the bills if Caleb can't.
Thanks for your prayers in this journey.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Seven days prior to that date, our divorce was canceled, because Caleb agreed to go back to Teen Challenge for as long as it takes. He sealed his dedication by putting the house on the market and putting his truck for sale to pay off debts he made... Hopefully everything sells and everyone he has done work for pays their invoices... But we have enough for bills, currently, and I am at peace about resting in God for all of our needs. I was even able to pay rent a month in advance this month.
It is another twist in the road, but the end goal is restoration. I do hope and pray he makes it... I don't want to be divorced, and he will forever be the father of these babies, so... Another chance.
As long as he is willing to work, I am willing to wait.
That said, due to the uncertainty there, I have been looking into getting my master's...
I was for a while,
Then I went to a CCEF conference and received the whispered call to counseling.
I have thought about it off and on for the past two years, but always thought it was a "someday" thing.
Now that life has taken another turn, I do feel that it is time to take this step.
Caleb will be writing me letters from Teen Challenge because he would like to finish telling his story, so that will be appearing periodically on the blog now.
Please pray with me as I step into the future. I would love to start my masters as soon as possible... But realistically, it will probably be next fall.
Pray with me that I concentrate on what is important while, at the same time, realistically preparing for the future. I would love to have a steady career that can help others as well as pay the bills if Caleb can't.
Thanks for your prayers in this journey.
http://www.youcaring.com/tuition-fundraiser/a-hope-and-a-future/245223
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Be Thou My Vision
There are no words to capture the day's delight.
It was a room filled with friends, gathered to simply share life.
Sorrow was there, confusion, pain, frustration... and no one was afraid to tell their story; to offer it up, vulnerable, out to a group who has made the promise to help carry the impossible weight of life. And these people do. They carry each other. They have carried me.
But there were also the grateful praises of those who had been in the fire, yet have now made it through, made it to joy and peace and happiness... We were all sharing in the delights of the people who's sorrow had turned to dancing as they happily shared their victories, and they poured warm hope into the cozy circle.
Then, the pain was mentioned. A pain larger than life, a pain no mother should bear, and we gathered around to pray. We were not there to figure it out, to argue the right or wrong, or to prove that there is a God even though there is crazy pain in the world...
We were there to believe in the God of the Universe and invite Him to heal, comfort, and sustain.
And in our midst, He was made known. There was not a dry eye in the room. His power was felt mightily. His promises were poured out and every lie was washed clean away.
For that moment, in that room, He was our vision and what we saw was impossible to explain. It was more a "felt" than a saw, more an experience than a vision. But it was all of us knit together in love. We were not merely bodies, our souls were showing... a brightness that changed the whole room...
And we paused to quietly thank Him. We bowed our heads and made no sound. Into my mind came only one thought, the words of a song.
"Be Thou My Vision."
The room was silent.
I tried to remember all the words and wrestled a bit, "I can't start a song if I can't remember the words!"
The room was still silent.
"Be Thou My Vision."
"But what are the words!? If You want me to sing, give me the words." I couldn't think of them, my hands began to sweat. I couldn't wait, the song was there but I couldn't find the words.
I began. Slowly, somber, fearful to begin something I knew I couldn't finish alone...
"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art"
I faded out.
I could remember no more.
But the song had been picked up by the others. All the others in the room took hold and carried the song right past the part I didn't have...
"Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light"
And then, with strength and delight in the sound of our voices working together, we sang out in harmony,
"Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou art"
It was a spontaneous expression of a group of people with one thing in common: Christ's in-dwelling Spirit.
It was incredible.
I wanted to just sit there and soak it in. No words, maybe more singing.
It was beyond description. It was safety. It was love. It was unity. It was devotion. It was beauty. It was perfect peace. It wasn't something that could ever be recreated. It was a gift from a God who knew each of us was longing for just a touch of His presence. And it was enough.
Then off to our separate lives we went because children needed fed and naps needed taken...
But the experience was still living in every breath we took... when Heaven touches earth, we all walk away changed.
Nothing changed in that Awkward Hallway today. But now, everything is different.
Maybe it is just being offered a different vision, a different perspective, an eternal perspective where God's presence really does shed light into all the darkness and we find the True Treasure, our Inheritance, then we are set free to giddily enjoy it.
It was no accident that we sang that song..
And it was no accident I wasn't able to, in myself, find all the words to sing alone. Oh glorious day.
Eph 1:11 "Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to His plan."
And amen.
It was a room filled with friends, gathered to simply share life.
Sorrow was there, confusion, pain, frustration... and no one was afraid to tell their story; to offer it up, vulnerable, out to a group who has made the promise to help carry the impossible weight of life. And these people do. They carry each other. They have carried me.
But there were also the grateful praises of those who had been in the fire, yet have now made it through, made it to joy and peace and happiness... We were all sharing in the delights of the people who's sorrow had turned to dancing as they happily shared their victories, and they poured warm hope into the cozy circle.
Then, the pain was mentioned. A pain larger than life, a pain no mother should bear, and we gathered around to pray. We were not there to figure it out, to argue the right or wrong, or to prove that there is a God even though there is crazy pain in the world...
We were there to believe in the God of the Universe and invite Him to heal, comfort, and sustain.
And in our midst, He was made known. There was not a dry eye in the room. His power was felt mightily. His promises were poured out and every lie was washed clean away.
For that moment, in that room, He was our vision and what we saw was impossible to explain. It was more a "felt" than a saw, more an experience than a vision. But it was all of us knit together in love. We were not merely bodies, our souls were showing... a brightness that changed the whole room...
And we paused to quietly thank Him. We bowed our heads and made no sound. Into my mind came only one thought, the words of a song.
"Be Thou My Vision."
The room was silent.
I tried to remember all the words and wrestled a bit, "I can't start a song if I can't remember the words!"
The room was still silent.
"Be Thou My Vision."
"But what are the words!? If You want me to sing, give me the words." I couldn't think of them, my hands began to sweat. I couldn't wait, the song was there but I couldn't find the words.
I began. Slowly, somber, fearful to begin something I knew I couldn't finish alone...
"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art"
I faded out.
I could remember no more.
But the song had been picked up by the others. All the others in the room took hold and carried the song right past the part I didn't have...
"Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light"
And then, with strength and delight in the sound of our voices working together, we sang out in harmony,
"Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou art"
It was a spontaneous expression of a group of people with one thing in common: Christ's in-dwelling Spirit.
It was incredible.
I wanted to just sit there and soak it in. No words, maybe more singing.
It was beyond description. It was safety. It was love. It was unity. It was devotion. It was beauty. It was perfect peace. It wasn't something that could ever be recreated. It was a gift from a God who knew each of us was longing for just a touch of His presence. And it was enough.
Then off to our separate lives we went because children needed fed and naps needed taken...
But the experience was still living in every breath we took... when Heaven touches earth, we all walk away changed.
Nothing changed in that Awkward Hallway today. But now, everything is different.
Maybe it is just being offered a different vision, a different perspective, an eternal perspective where God's presence really does shed light into all the darkness and we find the True Treasure, our Inheritance, then we are set free to giddily enjoy it.
It was no accident that we sang that song..
And it was no accident I wasn't able to, in myself, find all the words to sing alone. Oh glorious day.
Eph 1:11 "Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to His plan."
And amen.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Uncomfortable Confusion
Confusion.
I don't like it.
I'm still teaching math to my kids, even in the summer.
There is something comforting about math.
It has rules.
If you follow the rules, you get the right answer.
Relationships are not even close to that level of order...
The "right answer" doesn't seem to exist.
Because if A. person believes that one answer is correct, there will be B, C, D, and E standing around disagreeing...
I used to think if I worked hard enough, I could figure out how to be right enough that I could keep everyone happy with me.
I'm pretty sure I have now disappointed, frustrated, hurt, or caused some kind of pain in every person I deeply care about. Sometimes because I am just clumsy, but sometimes because I think I am doing something right but later find out it was wrong...
This Sunday, the preacher said, "Not one of us is given all of God's wisdom all at once." That we are all just fumbling along, getting glimpses through the dark glass.
The service was about the miracle in Mark, when Jesus heals a blind man, but he does it in two stages. I never ever knew this miracle existed! I mean, I have read Mark many times, but new vision was brought to me for sure!!
Jesus was brought this man, he did not come on his own, but it was the faith of his friends that brought him to Jesus.
Even so, Jesus spit on his eyes, touched them, and said, "Do you see anything?"
That is not the normal response of Jesus during a miracle. The preacher called it a "Parable in Action." The man's response indicated that he couldn't see clearly, but he could see "people; they look like trees walking around.”
Then, Jesus took the time to put his hands on the man again, and then his eyes were open and he could see clearly.
The message was exciting. Jesus even healed a man who he couldn't say, "your faith has made you well." He took the time to heal him in stages. First his faith, then his sight.
It was beautiful preaching.
It was a movement of the Spirit.
It was kind of a long drive...
But it was so much worth it!
The other thing I learned this week is, I can't fix the past, I can't expect the future (because it isn't promised) so I have to appreciate this moment, do right in this moment, make amends, ask forgiveness, show love, extend mercy and forgiveness, in this moment... and leave the rest up to God. It is freeing!! But also confusing... back to that uncomfortable confusion.
I don't have everything figured out!
Relationships are not fitting into the mathematical formulas I made for them when I was younger, without realizing I was setting up formulations for relationships...
A clean house doesn't mean people just walk in and love you.
A messy house can be an awesome place for a visit with a person who loves you enough to come in and sit.
"Being weak": and needing help can actually allow a relationship to grow, not just cause a person to be annoyed and decide you are an inconvenience.
Admitting, confessing wrong, and asking forgiveness doesn't always heal a relationship, but it sets you free...
So, people and relationships are uncomfortably confusing, but eternally necessary.
I have so much to learn... and the more I learn, the more things don't make sense, except through the lens of Love. I have to continually fall on my face before the Creator and say, "I know nothing about these relationships, these people who You created, please help me to Love right."
And in His mercy, He brings moments of love.
A baby child reaching up for a hand to hold onto.
A crew of kids running for their daddy's arms after a long absence... or a short absence... and then tackling him into the water of the community pool...
A great grandma's visit while she watches her great grandchildren with a smile of delight.
A trip to the park with my sister...
A surprise visit with a far-away friend...
Every one of those moments is marked with love.
But each of those moments has an undertow of sorrow... I won't give away intimate details of the lives of my loved ones, but in each relationship there is a sorrow. A deep sadness, but I am learning we don't have to live there.
As David Powlison said, "There is an unspeakable sorrow at the heart of the world. All the Bible writers know that. All the great saints know that. All the great novelists and poets have known it. All honest men and women have known it... In the end, all is loss. And, whether the effects are subtle or grotesque, a madness of evil blinds the human heart (Ecclesiastes 9:3) There is one more thing that needs to be said, and said again. We are surprised by joy, as C. S. Lewis put it. Life wins, gladness wins, hope wins. Death dies, sin disappears, all tears are wiped away, and by the grace of God we will continue to grow in knowing this more thoroughly. The mercies of God in Jesus Christ give certainty that sadness does not get last say... The present help of Christ through His Holy Spirit works with you so you increasingly find the balance between the joy and sorrow. And the future hope of Christ promises that joy will sweep away all sorrows."
The present.
Christ is in the present uncomfortable confusion. He comes in, sits down, and gives us exactly the sight that we need to take the next step toward Him.
In the present, and in the forever, sorrow can be swept away. It will be experienced, but it is not THE experience...
I don't like it.
I'm still teaching math to my kids, even in the summer.
There is something comforting about math.
It has rules.
If you follow the rules, you get the right answer.
Relationships are not even close to that level of order...
The "right answer" doesn't seem to exist.
Because if A. person believes that one answer is correct, there will be B, C, D, and E standing around disagreeing...
I used to think if I worked hard enough, I could figure out how to be right enough that I could keep everyone happy with me.
I'm pretty sure I have now disappointed, frustrated, hurt, or caused some kind of pain in every person I deeply care about. Sometimes because I am just clumsy, but sometimes because I think I am doing something right but later find out it was wrong...
This Sunday, the preacher said, "Not one of us is given all of God's wisdom all at once." That we are all just fumbling along, getting glimpses through the dark glass.
The service was about the miracle in Mark, when Jesus heals a blind man, but he does it in two stages. I never ever knew this miracle existed! I mean, I have read Mark many times, but new vision was brought to me for sure!!
Jesus was brought this man, he did not come on his own, but it was the faith of his friends that brought him to Jesus.
Even so, Jesus spit on his eyes, touched them, and said, "Do you see anything?"
That is not the normal response of Jesus during a miracle. The preacher called it a "Parable in Action." The man's response indicated that he couldn't see clearly, but he could see "people; they look like trees walking around.”
Then, Jesus took the time to put his hands on the man again, and then his eyes were open and he could see clearly.
The message was exciting. Jesus even healed a man who he couldn't say, "your faith has made you well." He took the time to heal him in stages. First his faith, then his sight.
It was beautiful preaching.
It was a movement of the Spirit.
It was kind of a long drive...
But it was so much worth it!
The other thing I learned this week is, I can't fix the past, I can't expect the future (because it isn't promised) so I have to appreciate this moment, do right in this moment, make amends, ask forgiveness, show love, extend mercy and forgiveness, in this moment... and leave the rest up to God. It is freeing!! But also confusing... back to that uncomfortable confusion.
I don't have everything figured out!
Relationships are not fitting into the mathematical formulas I made for them when I was younger, without realizing I was setting up formulations for relationships...
A clean house doesn't mean people just walk in and love you.
A messy house can be an awesome place for a visit with a person who loves you enough to come in and sit.
"Being weak": and needing help can actually allow a relationship to grow, not just cause a person to be annoyed and decide you are an inconvenience.
Admitting, confessing wrong, and asking forgiveness doesn't always heal a relationship, but it sets you free...
So, people and relationships are uncomfortably confusing, but eternally necessary.
I have so much to learn... and the more I learn, the more things don't make sense, except through the lens of Love. I have to continually fall on my face before the Creator and say, "I know nothing about these relationships, these people who You created, please help me to Love right."
And in His mercy, He brings moments of love.
A baby child reaching up for a hand to hold onto.
A crew of kids running for their daddy's arms after a long absence... or a short absence... and then tackling him into the water of the community pool...
A great grandma's visit while she watches her great grandchildren with a smile of delight.
A trip to the park with my sister...
A surprise visit with a far-away friend...
Every one of those moments is marked with love.
But each of those moments has an undertow of sorrow... I won't give away intimate details of the lives of my loved ones, but in each relationship there is a sorrow. A deep sadness, but I am learning we don't have to live there.
As David Powlison said, "There is an unspeakable sorrow at the heart of the world. All the Bible writers know that. All the great saints know that. All the great novelists and poets have known it. All honest men and women have known it... In the end, all is loss. And, whether the effects are subtle or grotesque, a madness of evil blinds the human heart (Ecclesiastes 9:3) There is one more thing that needs to be said, and said again. We are surprised by joy, as C. S. Lewis put it. Life wins, gladness wins, hope wins. Death dies, sin disappears, all tears are wiped away, and by the grace of God we will continue to grow in knowing this more thoroughly. The mercies of God in Jesus Christ give certainty that sadness does not get last say... The present help of Christ through His Holy Spirit works with you so you increasingly find the balance between the joy and sorrow. And the future hope of Christ promises that joy will sweep away all sorrows."
The present.
Christ is in the present uncomfortable confusion. He comes in, sits down, and gives us exactly the sight that we need to take the next step toward Him.
In the present, and in the forever, sorrow can be swept away. It will be experienced, but it is not THE experience...
Sunday, June 29, 2014
The Fullness of Life
This is the fullness of life. This has been my past month: Finding peace and joy everywhere.
In great grandmas and watermelon
In trips to the pool with daddy and trips to the pool without daddy...
In hiding from tornado sirens in a safe, dry basement.
In a brother's reading for the library program.
In visits with cousins
In getting dressed up for no good reason
And even in cuddling the sick away.
I went to my wonderful counselor.
He said I don't have to know all the right answers and know exactly what to do. That life is lived in this moment and we are not promised the future, so we can't spend every moment trapped worrying about it.
I'm glad.
It set me free to just be.
And today I was able to be: present, Joyful, grateful, and loved.
It was a beautiful day.
A gift from Jesus, who whispered I am His and completely loved, a part of His fellowship and set free to Life Abundant!
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