At sixteen, my Broadway dream was sideswiped by my parents. I was frustrated with them, but I didn't know what to do with this overwhelming feeling. Most of the time, I shoved my anger under the rug, and hit the books. (I got good grades, but only because I worked really hard for them. I wasn't "gifted" like my other siblings).
After my parent's decision, life changed. I started working more hours, studying harder, and dating this really nice guy... I didn't want to have a relationship with my parents, so I decided to date a guy simply because he showed interest in me... It was a bad time at home, just ask my poor mother, I was mean! So I found an out.
I honestly wasn't trying to be rebellious, I had just lost my identity. I had completely lost sight of who I thought I was going to be, and so I was searching. The question I was trying to answer that whole year was, "where else might I fit in the world?" My confusion and inability to forgive made me angry and grasping.
Looking back, I really did lead on my boyfriend at the time. I suppose it was very manipulative and selfish of me to continue seeing a guy, even after I knew I wouldn't ever marry him... but he could drive and dating was exciting.
I rationalized that no one in high school was going to be thinking about marriage for a while, so this was just about having fun! He was nice and polite and did I mention he could drive? In hindsight it was a terrible thing to do, but I was a self-centered sixteen year old. This is a big part of why I feel the idea of "courting" is a much better option, and my kids won't "date" in high school. But that is for another day....
Junior year, I kept busy. My life was filled with scholarship applications, testing, studying, working, and dating. Then, summer came.
By the summer of my junior year, I was so tired of high school, that in July, I had already made a count down to graduation. I was tired of my dating relationship and I was also counting down the days until the guy went away to college. I would get excited about the day I was no longer feeling compelled to make out with someone every time we went on a date...
I wasn't comfortable "making out" and wanted to just be done with it all, but was really embarrassed and uncertain how to step out of it, now that it ended every date. I had allowed it before I was ready, and before I was even really committed, and now I was stuck in this rhythm and hated myself for it. Every time we would pull in the driveway, I would cringe, "now he expects us to kiss because he drove me home..." I wasn't strong enough to break-up or say what I actually felt. I just wanted him to leave town. (Healthy relationship, right?)
I don't want you to get the idea that we did anything scandalous, I just really knew my tongue had no business in this guy's mouth and I hated myself for being so desperate to leave the house that I put up with these sloppy kisses I didn't want.
Even though I was plotting our break-up, I was too shy to follow through until he was tucked away in college. To be completely honest, I wasn't actually sure what I would do with my life once he was gone... He went to concerts, I tagged along, he did stuff with his family, he volunteered at church, he hung out with friends and played x-box, I tagged along (even though I hated x-box)... Mostly, he had made it so I didn't have to deal with my own life. He was a distraction, nothing more, nothing less, and then he went to college.
Finally, toward the end of July, my mother and I had a heart to heart. I showed her my count down to graduation, all 300 and some odd days of it. She realized how discontent I had become. We started talking about the post secondary option our school offered. She saw my longing to spend my time away from home and found a healthy outlet (she really was an awesome Mom, though I didn't fully appreciate it at the time).
MVNU, the local college, did a program in concert with the high school in which students take college classes for both high school and college credit.
MVNU also happened to be only seven minutes from my home. My mom and I made a plan. By August, I was not only going to MVNU full time, I was moving into a dorm, full time. I was seventeen and had worked hard. I had made enough money to pay for on-campus housing. In late August of 2002, I moved onto the campus of MVNU.
This led to one of the best years of my life. Although I missed my sisters and mom, I was so happy to be on my own. I had stopped performing in theater all together. My life's goal slowly changed from Broadway to "teacher" or perhaps even "professor." I loved every moment of college. I still worked in the cafeteria there, and I began working the morning shift. I was the "prep girl." I was able to set my strict, disciplined schedule and actually stick to it.
5:15am run
6:30 work
8:30 first class
9:40 shower and get ready for the day...
etc.
I broke up with my high school boyfriend the first month of college. I felt a bit guilty, but I knew I had to be honest, we really didn't have a future.
I was liberated and loving life.
My roommate had very different ideas about college, however. She was there to have fun, meet people, and find a guy. When she had people over, I went to the library. We never had much of a relationship. She wasn't annoying or a bad person, she just had different goals... I loved the academic stimulation of the classes. I loved feeling in complete control and like I was finally doing things "right." I was exercising, making money, and studying... and I volunteered at our church.
In my eyes, I had arrived at a rather sufficient state of righteousness. I was doing life right.
I had recommitted my life to Christ my first week of college, and I felt Him stir up a life and a love in me that breathed energy and passion even into my strictest of schedules. I still had no idea what a relationship with Him actually looked like, I still thought it was all about my performance, but at least I had reopened my hands to Him...
I remember walking out of my dorm, early one fall morning, and breathing in the changing seasons. The crisp air seasoned with fallen leaves, the moonless morning, the world dimly lit but exciting lay before me. I felt unencumbered, energized, at peace... for the first time in my life, I felt alive. I ran and prayed for longer than usual that morning, and I was almost late for work. This new and overwhelming joy became a daily delight. I can't think about my college days without a whisper of that feeling washing over me, those were good days.
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