Water from the Rock

I want to complain.
I want to sit down at this computer and utter such a bitter diatribe that the world sees me for the poor pitiful victim I think I am.
That is my default: victim or martyr.
There is so much bitterness welling up in my throat that I taste the bile of it all.
I have to forgive and press on.  Bitterness will only serve to destroy my soul.  My soul is all that I have of any worth, I cannot forfeit it to bitterness and complaining... but I WANT TO! (stomps figurative foot).
I am the people of Israel, lost in the wilderness, and all I want to do is complain.
Instead, once again, I must Dayenu.
It WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH!  Think it, meditate... if they would have only seen the blessings, relished in the beauty of all that they were given, if their focus had been on truth and not complaining, the promised land would have been theirs... immediately.
Dayenu.
Enough.  Meditate on God's enough-ness.  Jesus is enough.

Caleb gave me a mini-lecture today, he called after he went to counseling.  I'm sure he thought he was just helping... burn me up like the tip of a match... I didn't say much back, ooooh you know I wanted to.
But I received it, there was plenty of truth there, plenty true...
But my heart was burning, not from eating spicy food either...
WHO ARE YOU to tell me I'm a mess!?
And then, who am I to tell you you're a mess?
I've been a self-righteous, victim playing martyr.  I love to point out the mess in others and help them fix it.  Maybe that is why Caleb and I had that magnetism, I thought I could fix him, he let me try...
(Skip to 1:00, that is where it starts, really)...

Lyrics at the end there, "The other night you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up but we'd both agree

It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... Oh...
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... Oh..."

Yes. Exactly.  Right.  Well, now I want to complain.  All I want to do is sit here and say, "Look at how hard I tried, look at how well I did, look at all my sacrifice, now look at how unfair it all is..."

But I am called to something more.
As I sat here, preparing to type my whining, I was reminded of the story of Moses losing his ability to see the Promised Land.  It hit me hard, no pun intended (mostly).  Here is Moses, following God through all of these trials, and he hits a rock!  What?  Water still came out.  Why in the world was God so harsh??
I found a pretty good summary on this site "Ultimately of course, it's because Moses did not believe that God could bring the water out of the rock, and hit it himself. (perhaps he was trying to knock loose rocks to open up a stream, or he thought that his staff held some special Mosaic power - either way, he thought he was the key to the equation)."
God told Moses to speak to the rock, in front of the people, and the water would flow.  The people were dying!  God was going to give them water.  Even though Moses didn't obey, God still gave the people water, He wasn't going to punish Moses by making the people die of thirst...
But He did punish Moses.
So here I am, grumpy at my lot in life, but not wanting to take responsibility for my part... Because everyone in the world should always feel sorry for me, and love me, and clean up my problems because I chose to marry and stay in intimate relationship with a heroin addict... I want everyone to see me as a hero, when really I'm just really foolish... and confused!!!

Ultimately, of course, these past ten years I have not believed that God could bring full healing and restoration for Caleb if I stepped out of the equation. Even though my only moments of peace and sanity have come when we were separated, I have always returned after a few short months to "life as usual."
I have tried to orchestrate his healing in every way I possibly could .  I was constantly (just ask Caleb if you don't believe me) offering this solution, that solution, this program, that counsel... but never actually LETTING HIM GO!  In the end, I held on and became a pawn, falling deeper into the insanity myself... I threatened divorce so often it became laughable, but then backed down when he crossed that line I had set, because I didn't think divorce was the answer... "GOD HATES DIVORCE" (in my face, always.) 

So, I would say, "if you fail another drug test, that's it, divorce." Three failed tests later, I'm sitting there, begging him to just agree to go to counseling... and on and on, six years of that. SIX YEARS OF THAT.  And I always had pride in what a "smart" girl I was... oh foolish woman.
He would leave, and I would blow up his phone.
I mean, crazy person phone calling happening in the night.
Once I called 50 times!  He ignored all of them.  But for some reason I thought I could get him to answer and talk him in to coming home, I didn't want to feel abandoned.
(Ha, I say, now, in all my abandonment.)
He never came home, not unless he wanted to... and he never plugged into any of my suggested programs, except enough to get me off his back.  But I thought I was the key to the equation.
If I kept him safe, if I kept him around, if I read the gospel to him as he was nodding out- high, drunk, gone... but if I kept trying, that Living Water would pour out and He would be free to actually love ME, not the real love of his life... his real love, you know, the one he kept going back to...

I know God made the water flow from the rock, even though Moses messed up. Because God loves His people.  But Moses didn't get to see the Promised Land, because he didn't trust God.
God's salvation will flow into Caleb's heart and life, it already has and he will be saved, sanctified, Holy Ghost filled... and God will continue His Good Work in Caleb's life, even though I messed up.
But maybe, because I thought it all counted on me, maybe that means I don't get to be a part of Caleb's sobriety when it comes.
God is a God of Love. I do believe that, and I do believe in miracles.
I know God will love and sustain the children and me as well.
I know He has provided this safe, dry home.
Every meal we get to eat has come from His amazing provision.
Every amazing conversation we get to have with others is bourn out of His love. 
I still get joy and peace from a daily walk with Him, He still pours His Spirit into my heart and life to comfort and sustain.
I am grateful for that.
But I can't change how prideful and certain I was that I thought I had some power to reach in and save this man, simply because I loved him.  Instead, I ended up needing saved from my deep sin of placing myself where only God should be.
I know God forgives and in His forgiveness He keeps no record.
But there are still consequences to every sin.
I realize, that the failure of this relationship doesn't rest only on the shoulders of Caleb and the fact that he was already married to a trifecta of substances when we said our vows... It also rests on my shoulders because I thought I would be the key to his sobriety, rather than trusting God, rather than trusting Jesus is enough for all of this.  Way back in California in January of 2004, I thought I could be a friend to Caleb so that he never returned to drugs.  Way back at MVNU in January of 2005, I thought if I could get Caleb to propose before I went out of the country for three months, I would get a promise out of him that would keep him clean while I was gone.  Oh controlling fool that I was...

I sinned and in sinning I lost the one I loved... because I loved him more than I trusted God.
Tonight we celebrated William's fourth birthday.
We were together to eat, sing, and celebrate, then I took the children and went on my way.  Caleb went his way.  This is our new reality.  It sucks. 
But God has a purpose and a plan for Caleb and I am not the key...
God will bring us both Living Water, from these rocks in our deserts... and He will carry our souls to Glory when He decides it is our time to leave this earth...  but how can I complain of these circumstances, when I orchestrated the demise of my marriage before it even began?
In truth, God has been more than merciful.  And I have been the fool.
Dayenu, it would have been enough that He surrounded us with people who prayed, even while we continued in our rebellious sin...
But He also reached down through eternity and mercifully opened my eyes, before any more suffering was brought about by the consequences of my insanity.
For that I am grateful, albeit embarrassed, and deeply saddened.
I am humbled, foolish, and repentant.
But God is Love, and I know that in my heartache and pain of this lonely night, He will continue to comfort me, His people will continue to pray, and my rocky desert will have a life-sustaining stream.  I trust in Him, finally.  With all that I am.