The End

It is good that the Kickstarter didn't happen.

My story did not end up being the one I always held onto with all my hopeful imagination.

But I trust in the Writer of my story.

I read about Mercy and Justice last night.  And I knew I had found the words to end this chapter of my life.  This will be my final blog for the budding fig.  I don't know what the future holds. But I know Who holds my future.

I haven't ever understood mercy and justice.  The just acts of God seemed so harsh to me.  But, reading through the book, "The Holiness of God," I finally understand my error.  God doesn't "owe" anyone mercy.  He can give justice to all, but He doesn't, that is mercy.  But we take it for granted. For years, I didn't think anyone should have to "suffer" justice.  But, justice is righteous, because God is just, not merely merciful.

I offered Caleb mercy; he took it for granted. I was left with no option but to allow justice to step in and move ahead.  Taking advantage of mercy, continuing in destruction, breaks relationship.  I didn't want to let that be, I didn't think God would want me to be anything but merciful.  But, He released me from the relationship.  I hesitated to write about it, because I couldn't find the words, it has been a process.  The finality of divorce is my reality, but I no longer suffer at the reality of our brokenness.  My identity is not: that divorced woman... I am still known by the One who matters as "Loved and Redeemed."

I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I step into the unknown fully aware that many will not agree with my decision to allow the necessary consequences of relational destruction to take their course.  But, God released me.  He carried me through the fire, he didn't allow me to be burned by the insane flames, but instead He allowed those terrible flames to burn off the bonds of sin that were keeping me in captivity.

I am a free woman.  Free from guilt.  Free from the pain of the past.  Free to be a servant of Christ and Christ alone.

And the joy, oh, the joy, how can I describe it?  Every day is an adventure, two days ago, the children and I went to the park.  It started raining, hard.  Rather than leave, we played.  We got muddy. We delighted in the rain, in each other, in the joy.  I laughed so hard my sides hurt.  Although it is tragedy when someone does not cooperate with grace, we are not defeated. God continues to sustain us, Manna for every moment, beyond what I could have dreamt up on my own.  I don't deserve the amazing gifts He has given over the course of the past few months, but I stand humbled and grateful.  The children and I are building a new life, getting reconnected with old friends, and making new ones.

I know God has an amazing plan.

I don't know what it looks like, but I walk forward with a boldness I have never known and a joy that touches everything with a lightness I can't explain.

This 8 year-pain-filled chapter is closed. Finished.  But, behold, He is making all things new.  And He always keeps His promises. 

Amen.

Light that shines in the Darkness

This weekend was different from the many weekends that have strung together to be my past few months.  This weekend, I had my in-laws watch the children while I visited Caleb on Saturday and then celebrated with my sister at her bridal shower on Sunday.

 There we are, just me and my beloved.  Soaring to the heavens with a visit and sunshine!

It was a sunny day and we went for a walk, then sat on the concrete and talked for hours!  I love that man.  His walk in recovery has been a beautiful journey.  The Refuge is absolutely breathed with the Holy Spirit.

We received a letter on Friday.  It was an amazing encouragement.  The letter was from someone who reads our blog, someone I have never met, but someone who has walked a similar path.  The letter put us both in tears. (Obviously we hadn't just read it in the previous picture!)  The letter contained an incredible description of one man's journey through the addiction of his father, of God's hand directing that story, and of complete restoration of a man who "has since finished his race on earth and is now before the very face of his redeemer."   This letter encouraged both of us to "see the many testimonies of God's relentless pursuit of each of us," and this gave me new eyes to see our journey as one where God is drawing us to Him.

Bright Hope for Tomorrow (and today)

Through the mess, through the tirals, through the pain, God has sustained us. Here we are now, in such an amazingly different place than even 3 months ago.
Caleb is doing incredibly well, to the point of getting promoted early and that means finishing the program early!! I always knew God would set him free and he would be free - indeed!!
And yesterday we signed on our house! What a huge and incredible blessing that is!!! All the debt from all the messy years will be completely and totally paid off in the next couple weeks. A completely clean slate!!
What will we do with this?
Follow God.
With Thanksgiving
And praise Him for calming the crazy storms in His perfect time.
I'm ready to run and sing and shout, Christ has given us a new hope, a new life, a fresh start. Spring has sprung again! !! :)
So fitting that the signing was in March.
So fitting that the song on the radio as I walked through the slush to get the last of our things was : Kari Jobi's "I am Not Alone"
And we have never been alone.
The God of the Universe is carrying us to freedom and Life Abundant, to be a part of His purpose on this earth. We are not alone!!

When I am Afraid

I don't like boats.
I don't even like the thought of boats.
I have a recurring nightmare about drowning in my van and being unable to get my children out of their seat-belts as the oxygen is slowly replaced in the van with suffocating water.
Yeah, true story.
I don't have the nightmare as often these days, but I have had it since Cora was a baby in her little five-point harness.
I love swimming.  Close to shore.  Or in a "safe" pool...
But I don't like boats.

When I was little, our family of seven went whale watching.  We were poor, but my parents saved up, and took us on a vacation.  My dad paid a bunch of money for us to go whale watching, we were supposed to be happy and grateful... but there were four of us girls and we were petrified.
I hated the boat and the water and the knowledge of how impossible it would be to breathe if I went overboard.
My sister was (and to this day is) petrified of whales.

Well, for the longest time we didn't see any whales...
Then, there was a miracle and a whale came up close and started "dancing" beside us.
My younger sister (the one who wasn't afraid of whales) said the whale danced for us.
She had prayed we would see one.

I don't remember the delight in watching a whale dance.  I just remember being afraid.
And my mom taught me a song, "When I am afraid, I will trust in Him, I will trust in Him, I will trust in Him."  I sang it over and over that day, until my feet were on solid ground.  My memory of the trip was white knuckles on a yellow steel railing that separated me from the fathomless deep... and some small glimpses of a whale as everyone cried, "look!" and I took my gaze off the watery grave and glanced at the dance...
That vacation became an epic family memory... however, I felt ashamed that I couldn't concentrate on the beauty of the whale dance, I was too afraid.

I wanted to get rid of that fear, but fear and anxiety have been a companion to me for most of my life.
Last year, I read the book: "The Bondage Breaker." That helped me an incredible amount.  I would say that instead of 365 out of 365 days lived in fear and anxiety the previous year, after reading that book, I probably only spent about 200 days stuck... It has been a huge transition, freeing and exciting! I mean, I know it won't get to 365 overnight... The bad days aren't as bad, and there are actually GOOD days now!! :)

Yet, today I found myself lost in the cloud of anxiety.
I was really frustrated.  It has been a while since I have been this "stressed out."  I have been in mourning. I have been sorrowful over pain and loss... but I have done a lot more "trusting" and a lot less "controlling."  Today, as I had trouble even concentrating on menial tasks, I had to sit still, read the Bible, pray... and then get to the root of the issue.

The root is still my self-sufficiency.  I have read the awesome book about Hudson Taylor and his faith, his mountain-moving faith, and yet I spin my wheels in the muck and mud because I don't have answers.

As the days and weeks roll on, my biggest struggle is trusting God to provide financially.  When things are looking like they are going to sell.. I have great days, when things fall through, I have the worst days, like "incapable of concentrating, pacing the floor in anxiety" kinds of days.

And today I had to realize the depth of my sin, that God is allowing my faith to be tested so that I realize how deeply I worship mammon.  How much I still need to give it to Him.  Have not all the needs been met?  Is He not still the Creator of the Universe? Does He not know my plight?  Is He not meeting the most immediate needs in over-abundant ways?

But that broken and sinful part of me is still so intertwined in the world of money.
Sometimes my daughter, who has long, fine hair, gets terrible "rats."  When she wakes up, there is a glob of hair that has wound itself around other hair and it is a mess.  She makes it worse when she tries to comb it out, sometimes getting the comb stuck, and coming to me in tears.  I slowly, ever so slowly, comb out the mess.  However, it still hurts, no matter how gentle I am, because it is knotted and takes time and effort to smooth out...

Snow Day/Visit Day!

     The roads iced over. The change happened within a matter of a half-hour.  A regular day turned snow-day.  Then, it melted enough.
     We loaded in the family mini-van.  I had texted the pastor of 2nd phase to ask permission when I knew my sister would be home and we got the go-ahead. I told him, "Don't tell Caleb, I want it to be a surprise."  He was happy to play along.
     The five of us traveled, brimming with anticipation and excitement, but it wasn't enough to keep the youngest two awake for the drive.  That worked out perfectly, because they were well rested when we pulled in.  As I got the younger children out of the van, the older two ran for the door of the house that held their Daddy.  I heard him squeal, them squeal, laughter and hugs, and the baby saw her daddy and nearly jumped out of my arms trying to get to him.  "My Daddy! My Daddy!" He scooped her up, laughing at her delight.
     We were ushered into a cozy living room; the children kicked off their shoes and made themselves at home.  Caleb lined their shoes up at the door, under the coat rack, like a visit at the home of an old friend.  We sat on the couches as children crawled from one parent to the next.  I kissed Caleb hello which ignited, from William, "Mommy and Daddy, swimmin in the sea, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Cora and Gavin took up the song (from Cora's performance in Little Mermaid Jr this past summer), and they skipped around the living room, eventually collapsing into a pile of giggles as Daddy caught them and tickled them.

What is it?

Sunday, all day will pass.
Then, Monday afternoon, sometime, I will get to talk to Caleb.
I feel this weirdness.
I can't define the weirdness.
We've been apart for so long, I don't really know him.
We don't have any part of our lives in common anymore.
I do things out here, he does things in there, there is zero overlap.
We love the same God.
We love the same children.
We love his family and my family...
We are trying to sell the same house.
That's it.
We haven't had an actual relationship for years.

Anchorless

There are three houses with a space set up for the children and me to stay.
The majority of our necessities are in one, my in-law's, in a room we lovingly call our "house room."
I have packed and unpacked bags weekly; moving seamlessly from one family to the next...
I have sold furniture in order to pay bills.
I have made arrangements to stay in one place so that I save gas money between scheduled engagements (I had promised and paid for Gavin to play basketball this summer, long before I knew what life had in store for us come winter...)
I have prepared food, frozen it, sorted serving sizes, made sure that there would be enough, so that we didn't spend money stopping for fast food...
I have let go, let go, let go...
But the stretching continues.
The house still has not sold.
The winter continues...